2: Letting Go

Letting go after betrayal can feel impossible. Your mind circles endlessly around the “what ifs,” the pain, and the unanswered questions. The thought of releasing control might even feel like losing a part of yourself.

Letting go isn’t about condoning what happened or forgetting the hurt. It is about freeing yourself from the obsessive thoughts that keep you stuck.

Key Takeaways

• Discover why letting go is less about the past and more about becoming the kind of person who can move forward.

• Understand what letting go isn’t: it is not condoning, forgetting, or excusing betrayal.

• Learn 12 practical steps for breaking free from obsessive thoughts and painful emotions.

• Explore how self-care, boundaries, and present-moment focus create space for healing.

• Recognise the power of choosing yourself, taking back control of your thoughts, feelings, and future.

💬 Reflection question:

Have you found it hard to let go of the outcome after betrayal? What steps have helped you create space for healing?

I’d love to hear your reflections. Join the conversation on Instagram or in the After the Affair Facebook community.

Connect with Luke:

• Website: www.lifecoachluke.com

• Instagram: @mylifecoachluke

• Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Episode Transcript:

The After The Affair podcast with me Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Together we'll explore what's required to rebuild trust not only in yourself but also with others. Whether you stay or leave I can help and no matter what your story there will be something here for you.

Let's go! And welcome to episode number two of After The Affair podcast with myself Luke Shillings. Today I'd like to talk about letting go and what letting go means and also what letting go doesn't mean and then I'd also like to suggest 12 steps for how you might be able to let go and begin that process. This will be especially useful for when put into context of healing from infidelity.

This applies to people who have both chosen to stay after infidelity and those who have left and are now beyond the relationship where the infidelity took place. So what is letting go? Well a loose definition might be considered the process of freeing up yourself from obsessive thoughts and unhappy feelings. But of course it's very difficult to do but why is it so hard? Well over time things become part of you in some sense they become part of your identity.

You've been telling yourself the same stories for years and years. Letting go can resemble I suppose the losing a part of who you thought you were, who you are. It can be far less about the specific thing you're trying to let go of and far more about becoming the kind of person who can let go of things.

So what exactly is it that we're letting go of? Well consider this. We're letting go of the outcome. You see as humans we're unique.

We have the ability to make decisions cognitively using our prefrontal cortex in a way other species and other mammals aren't able to do. At least not to the same level of course. We make decisions all the time about all kinds of things and I think with every decision that is made we're doing it in the hope that the future will be better as a result of that decision.

Otherwise what's the point? You might as well just let things play out and maybe that's an approach that you could apply but I'm not sure it would be very sustainable. You probably go around in circles driving yourself crazy looking for the next thing to decide and the next thing to choose you know. So technically with every decision that we make it's an odds game.

It's like we're gambling and we're just trying to choose the best decision based on the odds available on the likelihood that something may turn out a certain way. The thing is even the best odds don't guarantee the result. If the odds of winning are say 99 out of 100 but you're the one person who looks out and happens to be in that 1% then all of a sudden the odds are completely irrelevant.

It just doesn't matter anymore. And the decisions we make every day in our life are just the same. We have no certainty about the outcome of any decision that we make.

We look at the past and the decisions we've made to see if there's you know evidence to support the likelihood of the same result happening again next time and maybe that's the case but it's unlikely that we're actually able to do that consistently and reliably. I think however it's worth remembering this one key thing. Not letting go is a choice as well.

You're choosing not to let go and if that's a choice then you also have the option to choose to let go. So let's look why you might let go. When we look back at the definition and the process of freeing yourself from obsessive thoughts and unhappy feelings then it becomes clear.

If your partner has been unfaithful then obsessing over all of the details of that situation, all of the what-ifs, all of the could I have done it differently, how could I have seen it sooner, is there anything I can do now to try and influence my partner's behaviour, what can I do to break up the affair, what can I do to stop this happening again in the future, how do I protect myself. Your mind will go round and round in circles looking for all of these things, trying to solve all of these problems and before you know it you are in this obsessive cycle and it's difficult to escape. And what does it create? Well it creates a chain of negative feelings, a chain of negative emotions.

They just keep coming and coming and coming. They don't stop, you can't escape it, you can't turn it off, it's there all the time and the worst thing about this is the only person feeling this way is you. It doesn't matter how angry or upset or bitter or resentful you feel towards your partner or the affair partner, the only person experiencing it is you.

Given that you already didn't ask for this to happen, why would you choose to put yourself through even more unnecessary pain? Of course letting go isn't just a case of deciding in the moment and it's not realistic to consider that just the flick of a switch all of a sudden you have let go. It's just not that simple. I think before we look at how to actually process the steps of letting go it's worth considering what letting go isn't.

Letting go is not condoning, it's not approving, it's not letting them off the hook in any way shape or form. It's also not an excuse for you just to retain a connection like it's the one thing you have left and it's too hard to let go of. It's also not an excuse to move on to pastures new and leave the past behind by putting this this situation in a store cupboard and then just you know shutting the door, locking it, throwing away the key, hoping that it'll never creep out again.

Remember that issues that we have, issues we experience in one relationship almost certainly rear their heads in future ones. This is particularly so if you remain in the same relationship where there are triggers and things that remind you of the past. It's also not forgetting everything still happened, the past is still there but we're just not going to let it run the show anymore.

So how can we make a change? How can we start that journey of letting go? Letting go of the outcome, letting go of that control. I know how eager you are to want to control what happens next especially given how little control you feel you've had up until this point. You didn't choose this, you didn't choose to be here and yet you are here.

So I'd like to talk about the steps that you can take to start to process, sorry start the process of letting go. Number one, pay attention to your self-talk. I hear people say all the time things like I don't know how to get through this alone and I would offer that you say or at least start thinking something along the lines of I'm learning how to heal myself and I'm seeking the support I need as required.

Number two, create distance. You know if you're constantly close to the person or the situation then you are going to be constantly reminded and this significantly decreases the opportunity to recover and recharge. Taking conscious breaks to distance yourself is essential.

Think of a hundred metre sprinter. When they run the hundred metres they are at maximum effort but they can't sustain that speed for the next hundred metres and the hundred metres after that and so on and so on. They have to stop, they have to take the break, they have to recharge, refuel and recover.

Working through the healing process after infidelity takes a lot of energy. It's on your mind all the time and although you might not be moving physically, the energy required to keep your brain active like that all the time is high, it's demanding. Healing does consume energy so rest and recovery are required.

So if you have the option, go out for a walk, listen to some music, go and have a lay down. Separate yourself particularly from any heated situations. Anything that creates a definitive reminder there and then in the moment, just give yourself some space.

Number three, you're going to need to work on yourself. This may sound obvious but nobody gets through this and comes out the other side unless they actively choose to work towards healing themselves. I know that just by you being here and listening to me speak means that you are already on that journey because that's what you want to do.

You want to heal, you want to actively do something to solve this problem. Four, focus on the present and actively choose to acknowledge and feel your hurt. You know, it's okay to be in pain.

It might not feel like much fun but it is normal and it's exactly what you should expect. Being present is extremely powerful. Remember, the past cannot be changed and often harbours a lot of pain.

The future on the other hand is unknown and unhealthy habits of anticipation and expectation are just likely to increase anxiety. Being present is all we ever actually experience. Literally, it's what's happening right now as I'm talking, as every second passes.

That's the only thing we ever actually experience because once it's in the past, it's in the past and it can't be changed or edited or modified or anything and anything in the future, well, that's just not happened yet. So all we're actually doing is trying to make predictions and of course we don't always do such a great job at that. So just pay attention to it.

Okay, number five, be gentle with yourself. It might sound a little bit strange but what I mean is don't expect too much of yourself too soon. I like to think about how I would treat and want to care for a loved one had they experienced the same thing.

Just treat yourself the same way. Treat yourself as though you are somebody that you really care about and trust me, if you look after yourself, the people around you benefit automatically. Number six, allowing negative emotions.

This is a skill. It's something that can take time and practise to learn but it can be learned. The way that many of us have lived through our lives, when we experience a negative emotion, we tend to want to run away from it.

We want to avoid it. We want to resist it. We want to push it back.

We don't want to face it. Sometimes and particularly in examples where you've been betrayed, like an infidelity, then you want to react. You want to shout and hit and throw.

I don't mean hitting your partner but you know, in terms of just lashing out, you punch the door in frustration, you slam the car door, you will spin off down the road when you get in the car. Everything is just like over-exaggerated and ultimately unnecessary. It's just a release because all you're actually trying to do is avoid feeling that negative emotion.

The real power is just allowing those emotions to happen and not to react to them. You don't actually have to do anything with them at all. You can just pay attention.

You can feel it bubble up. Your partner might say something that triggers you in some way but instead of shouting or reacting or storming off, you just sit with it. Just allow it.

You don't actually have to respond. You can just sit and just feel that frustration. Take a breath and allow it before you choose to act from that point.

Now I know there's going to be people listening to this now shouting out in their cars, yeah but Luke you don't get it. You don't know what it's like and you're right. I don't know everybody's situation and I also can't always say that this can just be done just like that.

It can't but if you start this process, even just with the small things, then over time the ability to handle the bigger things, well you just get better at. And this isn't just about infidelity. This isn't just about letting go of this situation.

That letting go of this whatever outcome it is that you desire. This is going to improve things in all areas of your life. So just pay attention to those negative emotions.

They tell you way more than you might realise. Number seven, don't wait for an apology because it might not come. And being dependent on an apology from your partner, it's just going to keep you trapped.

You're at their beck and call. You're a puppet on a string. You're allowing everything that you are currently feeling to be firmly in the hands of your partner.

Don't give them that power. Number eight, self-care. You know, do some things that you enjoy.

Distract yourself. This may seem difficult at the moment but even if it's tough, that's okay. If you have a hobby, play an instrument, go on a hike, learn a new skill, cook, do whatever it takes but just give yourself that self-care.

Continue to grow in other areas. Even if you feel completely stumped and stuck in this particular one, it doesn't mean that progression can't still help. And the more that you train your brain to do that, the better it'll get at doing it.

And the better that it will be able to help you make the decisions you need to make to move forward in your current situation. Nine, protect yourself. Set boundaries.

What is it that you are comfortable talking about? What things are you comfortable discussing and how much time do you want to talk about these things? Put some things in place to protect yourself, particularly if you're reacting and you know you're finding it difficult to withdraw. So it's like, okay, so if it's safe, for example, maybe you could set a boundary. Let's say a conversation between you and your partner turns into a heated argument.

You could say, I'm just going to remove myself from the room. You can keep shouting, you can keep doing all the things that you're doing, you're screaming, anything you want, but I'm just going to remove myself from the room until you've calmed down and then we can continue. You don't even have to voice it, you can just have that boundary there for yourself.

Just look after yourself first, everything else will follow. Number 10, try not to be alone all the time. Spend some time with friends and family and although I know you might want to retreat, and this is something that I definitely did after my discovery, whereby I didn't want to discuss it with anybody or I wasn't sure who to discuss it with, I think that was probably more the point, I left it a little while before I did, but once I did it made all the difference and I was able to start exploring my thoughts around it and why I just couldn't do it on my own.

And if you find somebody who's good at listening, and that's all they need to be good at, this isn't about advice, it's not about getting the best solution, it's just about being able to explore your own thoughts and understand why you are where you are and just a vent and get it all out. So just don't do life alone. If you don't have someone to talk to, then seek out a helpline such as the Samaritans or I'm sure Google can provide the nearest one for you.

There are people out there available to talk on the end of the phone, even if it's just to get it all out, because it is okay to talk about what's happened and know that you can give yourself permission to do so. If you don't get your story out it'll make letting go so much harder. 11.

Know that forgiveness is an option. Now there's no pressure to do this right now and I know that might be quite difficult to hear and you might also question well what's the difference between forgiving and letting go. I'll do an episode on forgiveness in the future just to explore that a little bit more so just keep an eye out for that.

And then finally number 12. If you're really wanting to heal from this, either individually or as a couple, then seek professional help. Seek a therapist, a counsellor or a coach like myself.

Friends are great but they don't have the training and there's a temptation to want to give you advice and because they care about you, they love you, they react like you do and that can just sometimes compound a situation. So there's plenty of space for friends and of course I really do encourage that you are communicating and doing things with people. But if you are to effectively move forward, I suggest you seek professional help.

So that's all I have for you today and thank you ever so much for listening. If you'd like to find out more and discover a little bit more about me and what working with me might look like, then please visit www.lifecoachluke.com Follow me on social media on Facebook, Instagram under at mylifecoachluke and I can't wait to talk to you again next time.