171. The 3 Ingredients Behind Most Betrayals

As the year draws to a close, many of us find ourselves reflecting on what’s been, especially when betrayal has left a deep scar. It's easy for that reflection to turn into self-attack, with the mind whispering "if only" on repeat. If you’re wondering whether you were the cause or blaming yourself for not seeing it sooner, the "The 3 Ingredients Behind Most Betrayals" episode is for you.

In this end-of-year episode, I offer a grounded, compassionate framework for understanding what actually drives betrayal, removing the shame and restoring clarity. I break down the three most common ingredients behind infidelity and explain why none of them are you.

Tune in to hear why unmet needs, unhealthy coping, and weak boundaries are contexts, not causes, and how you can move forward with dignity, not blame.

Key Takeaways:

• Why unmet needs in a relationship are not accusations or justifications for betrayal

• How unhealthy coping mechanisms, like avoidance and emotional outsourcing, fuel betrayal

• What weak or undefined boundaries really are, and why they matter more than opportunity

• The difference between learning from betrayal and turning yourself into the lesson

• How to release false responsibility and start healing with emotional clarity and self-respect

💬 Reflection Questions:

Which of these three ingredients resonates most with your experience?

Connect with Luke:

• Website: www.lifecoachluke.com

• Instagram: @mylifecoachluke

• Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Episode Transcript:

The After The Affair podcast with me Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Together we'll explore what's required to rebuild trust not only in yourself but also with others. Whether you stay or leave I can help and no matter what your story there will be something here for you.

Let's go! Hey welcome back to the After The Affair podcast I'm your host Luke Shillings and today you're listening to episode 171. If you're listening to this on New Year's Eve I want to start by naming something that happens quite naturally at this time of year. People pause, they review.

We look back over the year and ask ourselves multiple questions. What went wrong? What did I miss? What should have I done differently? And after betrayal that review process can quietly turn into something else entirely. Not reflection but self-attack.

The mind starts building a case. If only I'd been more attentive. If only I'd noticed sooner.

If only I'd handled things better. If only I'd been enough. So today's episode is designed to interrupt that pattern.

Not by minimising what happened, not by excusing the betrayal but by offering a clear grounded framework for understanding how most betrayals actually occur and why none of the core ingredients are you. So this isn't about certainty it's about probability and about letting this year end without you turning yourself into the problem. Okay one of the hardest things about betrayal is the chaos it creates.

Emotionally, cognitively, narratively. Your mind wants a story that makes sense, something orderly, something it can hold on to. Without a framework people tend to default to the simplest explanation available.

It must have been me. A framework doesn't remove pain but it does prevent pain from collapsing into shame. So today I want to walk you through what I see again and again across genders, cultures, ages and relationship styles.

Most betrayals contain three core ingredients. Not always in equal measure, not always in the same order but very rarely without at least some presence of all three. And importantly understanding these ingredients does not remove responsibility from the betraying partner.

It simply removes you from the centre of blame. So let's start with the most commonly misunderstood one. Unmet needs.

This is where so many betrayed partners get stuck because the concept is often presented in a way that subtly blames you. So let's slow it down and be precise. A need is an internal experience.

It's not a demand. It might be a need for connection, a need for validation, a need for autonomy, a need for novelty, a need to feel desired or seen. Having a need does not automatically make it somebody else's responsibility to fulfil.

Adults are responsible for recognising their own expressing them clearly, managing them ethically. This is where the reframe matters. Unmet needs do not mean you failed.

They mean someone did not know how to meet themselves or how to responsibly bring those needs into the relationship. That's a very very different thing. After betrayal the narrative often becomes they cheated because their needs weren't met.

But notice what that does. It quietly turns needs into accusations, performance metrics, retroactive justifications, as if meeting somebody's needs perfectly would have guaranteed loyalty. But if that were true betrayal wouldn't exist.

People with deeply attentive partners do cheat. People in difficult relationships don't always cheat. Needs alone do not cause betrayal.

They are a context not a cause. The second one is unhealthy coping mechanisms. This is the ingredient that does the most damage and it receives the least honest attention.

Most betrayals are not driven primarily by desire. They're driven by escape. Escape from discomfort, inadequacy, emotional vulnerability, responsibility, internal tension.

This is where unhealthy coping mechanisms come in. Let's name some common forms. Okay so maybe one might be avoidance.

Instead of having difficult conversations someone avoids. Instead of facing dissatisfaction they distract. Instead of risking honesty they numb.

An affair becomes a place where nothing needs to be resolved, only felt. The second is emotional outsourcing. Rather than regulating emotions internally or within the relationship itself, somebody instead looks outside.

They outsource validation, reassurance, excitement, aliveness. This is not about sex, it's about regulation. They also go on a validation seeking hunt.

Affairs often provide a very specific emotional hit. I matter, I'm wanted, I'm still attractive, I'm not invisible. Again not desire, it's relief.

Then we have secrecy as stimulation. There's also something important to name here. Secrecy itself is stimulating.

That double life, the hidden messages, the internal narrative of this is just mine. For some people secrecy temporarily counteracts feelings of smallness or powerlessness. And this is the line I want to land clearly.

Betrayal is often less about desire and more about escape. Escape from oneself, escape from one's limitations, from one's unresolved emotional world. None of that is caused by you.

Okay the third ingredient. We've spoken about two so far. We've spoken about unmet needs and unhealthy coping mechanisms.

The third is weak or at least undefined boundaries. This is where the line is crossed and it's important that we're clear about what boundaries actually are because they are so often misunderstood. Boundaries are not rules for other people.

Boundaries are not you can't talk to them or you're not allowed to feel that or you must behave this way. Those are attempts at control. Boundaries are internal commitments.

Real boundaries sound like this is what I will do when I notice myself crossing a line. This is where I stop. This is what I don't rationalise away.

They are values in action. Weak or undefined boundaries show up more like it's just flirting. We're only talking.

They understand me. We're like brother and sister really. Nothing's actually happened.

Boundaries fail long before physical betrayal occurs and again this is not about opportunity. People with strong internal boundaries don't need perfect circumstances to remain loyal. They need alignment.

So let's see how these all blend together because it's rarely just one ingredient. More often it looks more like this. Someone has unmet needs that they don't fully understand or express.

They cope with discomfort through avoidance or emotional outsourcing and their internal boundaries erode through justification and secrecy. That combination dramatically increases the probability of betrayal. It's not certainty.

Let me just I want to make that clear. These three things don't guarantee betrayal but they are present in almost every betrayal and they significantly increase the probability of it happening. And probability does matter because it removes magical thinking.

So let's be really explicit here. You are not responsible for managing your partner's or any other adult's needs. You are not accountable for somebody else's coping strategies and you are certainly not in charge of maintaining their boundaries.

Can you influence the relationship? Of course you can but you do not control another person's internal world. Removing yourself from the equation does not remove their agency. It restores it.

So here's the part that many people struggle with. They want to learn from the betrayal but they end up turning themselves into the lesson instead. So that sounds something like I'll never be that naive again.

I'll never need anyone that much again. I'll never trust like that again. That's not learning.

That's contraction. Real learning sounds like I understand more about what healthy coping looks like. I understand my own boundaries more clearly.

I understand what I value in relationships and crucially I didn't cause this but I can grow from it. As this year comes to a close I want to offer you something steadier than answers. Perspective.

Betrayal doesn't happen because someone wasn't enough. It happens when internal systems fail, needs, coping mechanisms and boundaries. You can acknowledge that a relationship wasn't perfect without turning yourself into the problem and you can let this year end without carrying responsibility that was never yours into the next.

So if you take one thing into the new year let it be this. You can learn from betrayal without turning yourself into the lesson. That's not denial.

It's dignity. If this episode brought some clarity or maybe it softened some of the self-blame that you've been carrying, support can help you continue that process in a grounded intentional way. Through personalised one-to-one coaching I help people integrate what they've been through without losing themselves in it.

You can learn more at lifecoachloop.com or reach out directly. However you're ending this please be gentle with yourself. You've already carried enough.

I'll speak to you all next year.