170. Why “Why Did They Cheat?” Is the Wrong Question

If you’ve ever found yourself lying awake replaying the same question on a loop (“Why did they cheat?”), this episode is for you. Especially at quieter times like Christmas, when distractions fade, and the mind goes searching for answers, that question can feel relentless and exhausting.

In this episode, I challenge the assumption that understanding why betrayal happened will finally bring peace. Instead, I offer a reframing that removes you from self-blame, calms the nervous system, and shifts healing away from endless analysis and towards emotional safety.

Inside this episode, you’ll learn why “why did they cheat?” often keeps you stuck, and what far more grounding, compassionate questions can help you move forward with clarity, dignity, and self-trust.

Key Takeaways:

• Asking “why did they cheat?” often fuels rumination, self-blame, and emotional exhaustion rather than healing.

• Betrayal is not caused by your worth, effort, or performance as a partner.

• Opportunity, temptation, and dissatisfaction are common. Values, boundaries, and self-responsibility are what prevent cheating.

• Shifting the question removes you from the centre of blame and restores relationship clarity.

• Healing begins when you move from analysing the past to choosing emotional safety in the present.

💬 Reflection Questions:

Have you noticed how often your mind searches for answers as a way to feel safe or in control? What might change if you allowed that question to soften, even slightly?

Connect with Luke:

• Website: www.lifecoachluke.com

• Instagram: @mylifecoachluke

• Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Episode Transcript:

The After The Affair podcast with me Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Together we'll explore what's required to rebuild trust not only in yourself but also with others. Whether you stay or leave I can help and no matter what your story there will be something here for you.

Let's go! Hey welcome back to the After The Affair podcast I'm your host Luke Shillings and today you're listening to episode number 170. If you are listening to this episode on the day it is released Christmas Eve 2025 I want to start by acknowledging something. This time of year can be incredibly heavy after betrayal.

The world goes quieter, there's less distraction, routines slow down and when that happens the mind often fills the space. Particularly late at night when everybody else is asleep, when you're lying there with your thoughts, that's when the questions come back. The unanswered ones, the circular ones, the ones that feel like they have to be solved before you can rest and one question probably more than any other tends to dominate.

Why did they cheat? If that question has been looping in your mind tonight or any night I want you to know something important. Wanting answers doesn't mean you're weak, it doesn't mean you're stuck, it means your nervous system is looking for safety. Understanding feels like control and control feels like relief.

So this episode isn't here to shut that question down, it's here to gently reframe it in a way that might bring you a little more peace. On the surface why did they cheat sounds like a perfectly reasonable logical question. If you can understand the cause maybe you can prevent it happening again.

Maybe you can finally make sense of the pain. But quietly underneath that question it does a few fairly unhelpful things. First it keeps you in analysis rather than integration.

It sends the mind backwards, replaying the past, looking for the missing piece so that everything will finally add up. Second it subtly reinforces self-blame because if you're asking why they cheated it's very very easy for your mind to slip and to start scanning. Was I not attentive enough? Not attractive enough? Maybe I was too much? Not enough? It positions you as a variable in the equation.

And third, and this is probably the most important one, it implies that there is in fact a single clean explanation that will bring you peace. As if once you find the right answer the pain will just dissolve. But the truth is if betrayal had one clear cause, if there really were a reliable formula, if understanding alone could keep us safe we'd all be safe by now.

And yet we're not. There's an assumption baked into why did they cheat that often goes unnoticed. It assumes betrayal is primarily caused by external factors.

The relationship, the circumstances, the stress, the temptation, the affair partner themselves. And while all of those are present, or at least maybe, they're not actually decisive. Because something uncomfortable to recognise but equally important is that opportunity is quite common.

Temptation is common. Stress is common. Dissatisfaction is also common.

And yet not everybody cheats. Which brings us to a far more useful question. Instead of asking why people cheat I want you to experiment with a slightly different lens.

Why don't people cheat? Because cheating is essentially available to all of us, or at least most of us. At some point in life most people encounter attraction outside of the relationship. Opportunity.

Emotional validation. Moments of loneliness or dissatisfaction. So what actually stops somebody from crossing the line? It's not perfect relationships.

It's not flawless partners. It's not constant happiness. What stops people cheating is usually a combination of values.

That clear internal sense of this is not who I want to be. Then there are boundaries. Not just with others but particularly with themselves.

Then we can lay on self-responsibility. The ability to tolerate discomfort without outsourcing it. And finally healthy coping mechanisms.

Ways of dealing with stress, desire or emotional pain that don't involve secrecy. When you look at it this way betrayal stops being a referendum on your worth. It starts being about their internal structures.

Now this is an important nuance so I want to be very clear. This is not the same as saying cheating is inevitable. Or everybody would cheat given the chance.

It's saying something much more grounded. Betrayal is not caused by partner performance. If loyalty were guaranteed by effort.

If love, assertiveness or sacrifice could ensure you against betrayal. Betrayal wouldn't exist. People in loving relationships cheat.

People in difficult relationships don't. That doesn't make betrayal okay and it doesn't minimise the harm. But it does remove you from the centre of the blame.

And for many betrayed partners that shift alone is extremely relieving. When you loosen your grip on why did they cheat a few things begin to happen. Your mind it starts to soften.

The self-interrogation eases. The constant scanning for personal fault slows down. You move from what did I miss to what actually matters to me now.

And be safe even if I don't have all the answers. And this is where healing begins to turn from analysis to interrogation. So tonight, especially tonight, I want to offer you permission.

You don't need answers this evening. You don't need certainty. You don't need to solve the story of your relationship.

You can let the question soften. You can notice it and gently set it down. Because understanding doesn't heal when it keeps you looking backwards.

Sometimes the most compassionate thing you can do for yourself is to stop interrogating the past and give your nervous system a moment to rest. If you're listening alone tonight, please know this. You are not broken.

You are not foolish for loving. And this pain is not a verdict of your worth. Be gentle with yourself this evening.

That in itself is an act of healing. If this episode resonated and you find yourself caught in loops of rumination or self-blame, support can really make a huge difference. Through personalised one-to-one coaching and the After the Affair Collective, I help people move out of analysis and into clarity at their own pace and in their own way.

But on the other side of that is something that might not even seem available to you now. There are people who are feeling free and in full night's sleep, being able to move and make decisions from a place of intent and clarity, irrespective of how their partners are showing up. You can find out more at lifecoachluke.com or simply reach out.

Contact me at luke at lifecoachluke.com or come and join me over on Instagram at my lifecoachluke. For now, take a breath. You've done enough for today.

Merry Christmas.