17. It’s all Lies

We’ve all told lies, some small, some not so small. But in the aftermath of infidelity, the ripple effect of dishonesty can feel earth-shattering. In this episode, we take an honest look at why people lie, how it affects relationships, and what it really means when those closest to us choose silence over truth.

If you’ve ever felt blindsided not only by a partner’s betrayal but also by the silence of those who knew, this episode is for you. I explore the psychology behind lying, the emotional toll it takes, and how reclaiming your own truth can be the first step towards real healing.

Key Takeaways:

• Understand the hidden motivations behind why people lie, even those we trust most.

• Discover how seemingly innocent “white lies” can deeply damage trust and emotional intimacy.

• Learn how fear and self-protection often drive dishonesty, even within close communities.

• Explore the emotional cost of silence from friends or family who knew about the affair.

• Reclaim your power by recognising that others’ choices say more about them than about your worth.

💬 Reflection questions:

Have you ever found out that someone else knew about the betrayal before you did? How did that affect your ability to trust again?

Connect with Luke:

• Website: www.lifecoachluke.com

• Instagram: @mylifecoachluke

• Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Episode Transcript:

The After The Affair podcast with me Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Together we'll explore what's required to rebuild trust not only in yourself but also with others. Whether you stay or leave I can help and no matter what your story there will be something here for you.

Let's go! Hello to you all and welcome to episode number 17 of the After The Affair podcast with myself Luke Shillings. When was the last time that you told a lie? Today? Yesterday? A week ago? A month ago? Was it a serious lie or just an innocent white lie? What is a lie? Well it's an intentionally false statement and they are typically used with the intention of deceiving or misleading other people. But why do we lie? People lie for a variety of reasons.

One of the most common reasons is to protect either themselves or those around them. For example someone might lie about their whereabouts to protect themselves from being caught in a situation they should not be in. Similarly a person may lie to protect someone else such as a loved one who made a mistake and we can talk about this a bit more later.

Another common reason people lie is to gain some kind of advantage. I mean who listening has ever lied on a job application to make themselves appear more qualified? It's also not uncommon for a person to lie in court to try and sway the judge or jury in their favour. How about avoiding punishment? A child may lie to their parents about breaking a vase in order to avoid being punished or an employee may lie to their boss about why a project is behind schedule in order to avoid disciplinary action.

In some cases people may have a tendency to lie as a result of a personality disorder or mental health condition. For example a person with antisocial personality disorder may habitually lie as a means of manipulation and control but for the sake of this episode that is not an area that we'll be focussing on specifically. People sometimes may simply lie to conceal the truth.

A person may lie about their age on an online dating profile to avoid being judged or rejected in advance. Or how many times have you said I'm fine when really you are hurting inside but don't believe others will care? It's times like these when the simplest innocent lies can have the greatest impact in a person's life. There are many reasons why people lie.

Lying can be detrimental to relationships and trust. The effects it has on our relationships is almost immeasurable which raises the question is lying really necessary? Almost all of me wants to say no but there is a little sliver of something within me that resists that notion. Why is that there? Is it because I have found it useful in the past? Is it reserved for those specific one-off occasions whereby it's the only option? Is it because I've been taught throughout my life that white lies are okay? But are white lies okay? Let's look at an example.

Imagine you had a surprise party planned for someone and chose to withhold this information. The person in question then asks if you have any plans on the exact date that you'd plan the surprise. You quickly and seamlessly fabricate a white lie to keep the surprise, well a surprise.

On the surface this is done with the best of intentions. What's the lesson though? At the time of the actual surprise this person will now have witnessed you effortlessly lie to their face without as much as a wimp of hesitation. What does that say about the relationship on a deeper level? Lying is a learned behaviour.

As a parent myself I'm conscious of what lies if any I tell my children. When children see adults in their lives telling lies it teaches them two things. A. It's okay to lie and B. I can't trust everything daddy says.

With those two statements alone I do not feel good about lying to my children whether it's a white lie or not. So that brings up the biggest question of all. Santa.

Now naturally everybody will have their opinion on this. In all honesty, on reflection, I think I would have preferred to have been truthful about it. But I also love to see the excitement on my children's faces on Christmas morning when they have believed their presents have been delivered by the big man himself.

Am I being selfish? I'll let you decide. I've told many lies through the course of my life. Very few major ones but many smaller, seemingly harmless ones or at least that's how they felt at the time.

The hardest thing about lying is that it requires constant maintenance. Who have you said what to? What did you say? When? Simply tracking the life and consequence of what seemed like an innocent spur-of-the-moment lie requires a huge effort. It's in this maintenance that causes all lies long term to be unsustainable.

Once on the slippery slope it takes a lot to stop. Let me take you back to 1993. I had just turned 13.

I was stood in the office of the assistant headmaster of my school. There was just me, him and another teacher present. Earlier that day I'd been involved in an incident with three other children to which I was in part to blame.

I was terrified and uncertain of what would happen next. I knew it wasn't good so many things flashed through my mind as I stood there whilst he began to ask questions. The temptation to lie was high.

I'd not spoken to the other lads involved. I didn't know what they had said so I told the truth. I recounted the whole thing exactly as it happened.

I actually felt pretty good about it but as it turned out the other three lads had been able to talk to each other and come up with their own story. They all told the same story which obviously was different to mine so it looked like I was lying. I remember feeling intense pressure as the consequences of not telling the truth were being laid out to me but I was telling the truth.

I was in that office for what seemed like hours and as the time went by my story began to change. I tried to second-guess what it was they wanted me to say to perhaps align with what the other lads had said. It was a losing battle of course because I got lost in a tale of lies and kept stumbling back and forth.

In the end I was suspended from school for lying. It was less than two weeks before Christmas and my mum's disappointment was probably the biggest punishment. I felt very unsettled about the whole experience and remember coming away thinking what's the utility in telling the truth if no one believes you? Of course as I recall it now almost 30 years later there may have been other factors to consider and my recollection is tainted at best but the thought remained.

The other lads were punished less harshly for their dishonesty because it was a collective dishonesty. For those who have gotten to know me I like to think quite a lot and recalling this situation got me thinking why did I change my story? Why did I lie? It didn't take long to find the answer. It was fear.

I was afraid of the potential consequences. I was afraid that my character was in question. I was afraid that in some way I wasn't good enough.

The reality was I was lying to myself about these things. I was telling myself that I would feel better if the teachers believed what I was saying even if what I was saying was a lie. When we question our own value and character we often do so through how we imagine others judge or value our character.

We end up chasing some imaginary idea of how others think we should be. Now let's look at this from the perspective of taking responsibility. We do not get to control what other people think and feel about us.

The same is true the other way around. Other people do not get to control what we think and feel about ourselves unless we tell ourselves that they have that control. Think of a TV remote control.

It can change channels, increase and decrease the volume, adjust the contrast and the brightness among many other things. Now imagine that you are the TV and you have given the remote control to somebody else. This is exactly what goes on in so many relationships.

One person has control of the other not because they have necessarily taken that control but because that control has been gifted to the other person. Do you want to be a TV? What about infidelity? Well we all know that many lies are told to deceive the betrayed and delay the truth from being revealed but that's not where I want to go with this. In addition to the pain felt by the betrayed by the actions of their unfaithful partner, another common thing we struggle with is later discovering that other people knew about the affair and didn't say anything.

Let's say you discovered by chance that your friend's wife was having an affair. You all got on well, your wife was friends with his wife, your kids are friends with their kids, you also share numerous mutual friends throughout the neighbourhood. You are unsure as to how to handle this new information.

You want to do something about it so you decide to discuss it with your wife first. You tell her what you know but collectively decide between you that you will leave it a few days, maybe a week, to see if anything else happens. Neither of you want to feel responsible for breaking up a friend's marriage after all.

The days go by, maybe even a few weeks and then you see something else. This time you decide enough is enough. You tell your wife that you are going to go and confront your friend's wife with the information you have, the two sightings, but your wife is horrified at the idea.

I was only with her the other day. If you confront her now she'll know that I knew. I don't want her to not trust me.

Now you feel even more conflicted. You're stuck between being a good friend and being a good husband. You begin to question yourself.

Could what I saw been interpreted in a different way? Am I blowing things out of proportion? Maybe it's better left unsaid. They seem to get happy together after all. Unbeknown to you, the neighbours across the road, mutual friends, have had the exact same dynamic happening in their household.

You end up chatting with a mentions that he has seen something. Before you know it, half the street knows what's going on but your original friend has been left isolated and ultimately all you have done is assisted in facilitating the affair. This clearly is not a situation that most people would want to be in, but it's complicated.

Each person is more worried about what other people think and as a result keeps the lies and deceit alive. For those who have been betrayed and experienced a situation like this, just remember that each and every person has similar judgments about themselves. Most people want to fit in and not to stand out in any way, to remain part of the group.

Their choice not to tell you has almost nothing to do with you and almost everything to do with them. They are just human, just like you, and trying to navigate their world in much the same way. For those of you who have witnessed an affair and have the option of telling the betrayed party, well ask yourself, would you feel better knowing that one person is lying to you, your spouse, or many people are lying to you? I'll let you decide.

In conclusion, I regret every lie that I've told, even the harmless ones. On reflection, there are ways in which I could have told the truth and still have the desired outcome. It took a bit more thinking from me and it was not always easy, but that's because for many years it was habit.

If this behaviour was learned, then it must have been taught by friends, loved ones, experiences like my own at school, television, magazines, even song lyrics. They all play a part in the way we communicate our truth. There is no need or utility in blame, but I choose to no longer be part of that problem.

So the next time you feel yourself searching for that innocent lie, ask yourself, how would you feel if the same lie were told to you? Now I know how it feels to be on the receiving end of the lie, especially when those lies are coming from the person that you loved and trusted. I hear you, I see you, and I understand how difficult it can be to simply talk about this stuff. You didn't ask to be in this situation and you didn't expect to be here any more than I did.

If you've been on the fence about taking the next step, perhaps you've been hovering over that scheduler call button. You owe it to yourself to find the happiness that is available to you on the other side of infidelity. Don't stay stuck anymore, let's talk.

There is so much to look forward to and I will help you make it a reality. Book that call. I'll speak with you soon.