169. Why You Can’t Decide After Betrayal: And How Decisions Really Work

When you've been betrayed, even the simplest decisions can feel paralysing. Stay or leave? Confront or retreat? Trust again, or never open your heart that way again? If you're stuck in a whirlwind of indecision, you're not alone, and you're not broken.

In this episode, I break down why clarity feels so elusive after infidelity. I explain the three real ways decisions are made, and why logic isn’t one of them. This conversation will change how you see your choices and help you rebuild the self-trust you need to move forward with purpose.

Key Takeaways:

• Why waiting to “feel ready” can keep you stuck for years

• How values, not emotions, create decisions you can stand by

• The surprising role chance plays in revealing hidden desires

• Why logic often masks fear, grief, or identity attachment

• How defaulting (not choosing) is still a decision with painful consequences

💬 Reflection Question:

Have you been caught in loops of doubt, hoping for a sign or the "right" feeling to appear and decide after betrayal?

Connect with Luke:

• Website: www.lifecoachluke.com

• Instagram: @mylifecoachluke

• Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Episode Transcript:

The After The Affair podcast with me Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Together we'll explore what's required to rebuild trust not only in yourself but also with others. Whether you stay or leave I can help and no matter what your story there will be something here for you.

Let's go. Hello and welcome back to the After The Affair podcast I'm your host Luke Shillings and today you're listening to episode number 169. One of the most common things I hear from people after betrayal is I just don't know what to do and usually what follows is I don't want to make the wrong decision.

Stay or leave, confront or wait, trust again or walk away, speak up or keep the peace. The pressure it feels enormous like every decision carries the weight of your entire future but today I want to offer you a different way of looking at decisions altogether because I believe most people aren't actually stuck because they can't decide. They're stuck because they misunderstand how decisions are made in the first place.

So here's the promise that I want to explore with you today. I believe human beings only ever make decisions in three ways. Through feelings, through values or through chance.

Everything else including logic is usually commentary. That might sound confronting at first especially if you see yourself as a logical rational person. I know I certainly used to but stay with me because once you see this clearly a lot of confusion starts to fall away.

The first way that most people make decisions is through their feelings. It sounds something like it feels right or it feels wrong or I just can't bring myself to do it or I'll know when it feels clearer. After betrayal this is the most common decision-making mode and also the most unreliable.

Why? Well it's because betrayal dysregulates your nervous system. Your body is no longer asking what aligns with my future, it's asking how do I stay safe right now. So when people say that they're listening to their feelings, what they're often listening to is fear, panic, attachment distress, grief, shock, survival instincts, not wisdom.

That doesn't mean feelings are wrong. They're incredibly important but here's the key distinction. Feelings are excellent messengers but terrible leaders especially when your system is flooded.

This is why waiting to feel ready often leads to months or even years of paralysis because safety doesn't feel safe after betrayal. The second way that we make decisions is through our values. This sounds more like regardless of the outcome this is who I want to be.

This aligns with my integrity. I can live with myself if I choose this and this reflects the kind of person I want to show up as. Values-based decisions are very very different from feelings-based ones.

They're not about comfort, they're about self-respect and here's something really important. A values-based decision doesn't guarantee that you'll feel good. It guarantees that you'll feel grounded.

After betrayal this is where people start to rebuild self-trust because staying can be values-based. Leaving can be values-based. Waiting can be values-based.

The difference isn't what you choose, it's the why you choose it. You're no longer asking what will stop the pain the fastest. Instead you're asking who do I want to be in the middle of this.

That shift alone is often what can create clarity. The third way we can make decisions is through chance. Flipping a coin, picking a name out of a hat, letting fate decide and at face value this might sound absurd but psychologically it is pretty fascinating because when people use chance something very interesting happens.

The moment the coin lands they notice how they feel about the result. Relief, disappointment, resistance, hope and suddenly clarity appears. So chance doesn't really decide for us, it reveals what we're secretly hoping for.

It exposes the emotional or values-based preference that was already there but buried under overthinking. But what about logic? At this point many people are or might be thinking, hang on I make logical decisions. I know that I for one definitely thought this too.

But here's the somewhat uncomfortable truth. Logic is rarely the driver, it's usually the narrator. We tend to make a decision emotionally or values-wise, then we use logic to explain it, justify it or even defend it, especially after betrayal.

People say things like, logically it makes sense to stay because of the kids. Logically, logically leaving is the right thing to do. Logically I need more time.

But if we look really closely, logic is often wrapped around fear of loss, desire for safety, attachment, identity protection or just deeply held values. A line I often come back to is, logic isn't how we choose, it's how we make our choice sound reasonable. And that's not a flaw, it's human.

This framework matters because it explains why so many people feel stuck. If you're trying to make a decision based on feelings and your nervous system is traumatised, you'll go around in circles. If you believe that you're making a logical decision but it's actually just fear, dressed in a smart outfit, you'll doubt yourself constantly.

But when you gently shift into values, movement becomes possible. Not certainty, not guarantees, but direction. Then there's one final layer that I want to add.

Some people never consciously decide at all. They default. They stay because they didn't choose to leave.

They leave because things collapsed. They wait because time passed. And the quiet truth behind this is that not deciding is still a decision, just one not made on purpose.

And after betrayal, defaulting often leads to resentment, confusion and self-abandonment. So if you're stuck right now, I want you to ask yourself gently, am I trying to decide from feelings that are still raw? Am I hiding behind logic to avoid something uncomfortable? Or am I willing to ask what aligns with who I want to be? You don't need to answer perfectly. You don't need to rush.

But even asking the question from the right place changes things. There may not be a right decision but there is a more intentional one. And the more you understand how decisions are actually made, the less power fear has over you.

You're not broken because you're struggling to choose. You're human and clarity doesn't come from thinking harder. It comes from seeing more clearly.

If you're stuck in indecision after betrayal and you want support untangling feelings from values without being told what to do, this is exactly the work I do. Through one-to-one coaching and the After The Affair Collective, I help people just like you rebuild self-trust and make clean decisions that they can stand by whatever direction they take. You can learn more at LifeCoachLuke.com or you can reach out directly.

Email me at Luke at LifeCoachLuke.com or come and join me on Instagram at MyLifeCoachLuke, all one word. You don't need certainty to move forward. You just need a compass.

So until next time, please take care of yourself and I'll speak to you very soon. Take care.