161. Workplace Affairs: Why They Happen and How to Heal When They Do

What happens when the place that pays the bills becomes the place that breaks your heart? Discovering that your partner’s affair started at work adds a unique layer of pain, because it’s not just betrayal, it’s betrayal in plain sight, repeated daily, and impossible to escape. You’re not just dealing with the past; you’re living in the aftermath, while they still walk through the same doors, face the same person, and leave you wondering how healing is even possible.

In this episode, I unpack why workplace affairs happen more often than most realise, the emotional and psychological dynamics behind them, and how to navigate the deeply triggering reality of post-discovery life, especially when the affair partner is still part of the picture.

Whether you're the betrayed or unfaithful partner, this episode offers honest guidance and practical tools to reclaim safety, clarity, and control.

Key Takeaways:

• Learn why workplace affairs are so common, and why they often begin without intent.

• Recognise the early warning signs of emotional drift and micro-betrayals.

• Discover how proximity, privacy, and unspoken permission create risk at work.

• Understand what real repair looks like when your partner still works with the affair partner.

• Explore ways to set safety-based boundaries and rebuild trust through action, not just words.

💬 Reflection Questions:

Have you faced a workplace affair? How are you coping? What helps?

Connect with Luke:

• Website: www.lifecoachluke.com

• Instagram: @mylifecoachluke

• Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Episode Transcript:

The After The Affair podcast with me Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Together we'll explore what's required to rebuild trust not only in yourself but also with others. Whether you stay or leave I can help and no matter what your story there will be something here for you.

Let's go. Hello and welcome to this week's episode of the After The Affair podcast. I'm your host Luke Shillings and you're listening to episode number 161.

So the idea behind this specific episode was reignited by a comment that I read recently on Spotify and when I read it it made me realise that I haven't covered this before at least not specifically and I'm quite surprised because it's something I see quite a lot in my own coaching practise and with many of the people that I speak to who have experienced betrayal. And I suppose the question is what happens when the place that pays the bills becomes the place that breaks your heart? The workplace is supposed to be safe. It's familiar, it's structured and it's professional.

There are boundaries and guidelines but for many people it's also where the boundaries of connection can sometimes quietly blur. Where emotional intimacy creeps under the guise of collaboration and where lines that start off completely harmless, a joke over lunch, shared frustrations, eventually they can turn into something more. Today we're talking about affairs in the workplace.

Why they happen so often, how to spot the early warning signs, what to do when discovery day hits and your partner still has to work alongside their affair partner, and how to find safety again when escape isn't immediately possible. If you've ever discovered that your partner's affair started at work, one of the first thoughts that probably crossed your mind is why there? Why not a dating app, a night out or some random online connection? Why does it so often happen in a place that's supposed to be about deadlines not desire? Well studies estimate that somewhere between a third and a half of all affairs begin in a professional setting. Now of course I'm not one for getting too tied up with statistics but if I consider my own client base over the last three or four years then actually my evidence probably backs that up.

It is roughly half if not a tiny bit more. And that's a pretty big number and it's not because people go to work looking for an affair. Let's get that clear.

It's because the conditions at work quietly imitate what makes connection feel so natural and in some cases so dangerous. So think about what the workplace actually offers. Its structure, familiarity, shared goals, a sense of being part of something bigger.

In many cases it also offers validation, recognition, praise, appreciation. The very things that in some cases might be missing at home especially in relationships that have been under strain and that strain can be coming from all manner of different places. I mean let's be honest most affairs don't begin with flirtation they begin with emotional connection.

You work long hours on a project with someone, you share frustrations about a difficult client, you start having lunch together because it's convenient and one day they notice that you seem stressed. They ask if you're okay. You open up just a little bit.

It feels safe, harmless even. But what's really happening is that a small emotional door is opening and the brain loves this kind of attention. When someone listens without judgement, laughs at our jokes or makes us feel capable again, the brain releases dopamine.

The same reward chemical linked to pleasure and anticipation. And not only that but also oxytocin. This is the bonding hormone that increases with trust and eye contact.

And we begin associating that person with comfort and connection. So even though it starts with genuine friendship, over time it creates what could sometimes be called a false intimacy loop. Where emotional energy is being redirected outside of the relationship and creating a growing void inside.

Then there's the role of proximity. You see somebody at work far more than you see your partner. You celebrate small wins together, you share private jokes, maybe even you travel together sometimes.

And in that repetition something else happens. You start to normalise their presence in your emotional world. You start to trust them.

It's the same psychological mechanism that builds connection in any relationship. Consistency, shared experience, vulnerability. But in the work pace those ingredients are placed on... it's a bit like they're in a pressure cooker.

Long hours, power hierarchies, emotional exhaustion and sometimes even loneliness. And when loneliness meets opportunity, the human brain will always reach for comfort. It's important to remember that this doesn't excuse infidelity of course, but it does help explain it.

Because if we reduce every affair to they wanted something more, we miss the bigger truth. Most workplace affairs don't start with wanting more. They start with just wanting relief.

Relief from feeling unseen, unappreciated or disconnected. And that relief can be intoxicating. One client once described it as feeling alive for the first time in years.

That sense of vitality is powerful, but it's also deceptive. Because it isn't real freedom. It's dopamine in disguise.

The reality is workplace affairs thrive on proximity, privacy and permission. Three things that exist naturally in most professional environments. Proximity, you're physically near the person every day.

Privacy, you have moments that feel private. Text messages, after hours chats, team bonding. Permission, well it all seems legitimate because it's just work.

And when you combine those three, it becomes very easy to rationalise behaviour that would otherwise raise alarm bells literally anywhere else. So when you think about why workplace affairs are so common, it's not about moral weakness. It's about emotional opportunity.

People don't usually go looking for an affair. They simply stop noticing that a line is being crossed until it's a long way behind them. That's why awareness is everything.

Because prevention doesn't come from fear or restriction. It comes from recognition. Recognising that attraction can form anywhere human connection exists.

Recognising that vulnerability doesn't disappear when you put on a work badge. And recognising that your emotional energy has to be protected with the same intention you protect your own marriage with. So if workplace affairs so often begin innocently with friendship, familiarity or just emotional support, how do you as the betrayed spouse recognise when that connection starts to cross the line? Because by the time it's clearly inappropriate, by the time someone outside the relationship can see it for what it is, the emotional groundwork has usually been laid months before.

Now this part isn't about breeding paranoia or encouraging surveillance. It's just about awareness. Learning to recognise emotional drift before it turns into something more destructive.

So let's start with the betrayed partner side because that's where most people first notice that something feels off. You might notice your partner becoming more distracted or defensive about work. And the energy that used to be directed towards home now feels diverted somehow.

They're preoccupied, short-tempered or unusually tired, yet somehow energised by certain projects or conversations that you just seem to know little about. There's a subtle shift in language. A new colleague's name maybe comes up a bit more than often or at least a bit too much.

They're mentioned casually at first. Oh, Sarah said that was a great idea. Tom and I are staying late.

We've got a client presentation, remember? But over time the mentions grow more personal and the tone changes. Sometimes the name disappears altogether, replaced by vague references like someone from work. You might sense increased privacy.

New passcodes on devices, deleted messages or late-night notifications that are pushed off with, it's just work stuff. They guard their phone like it's state security or step out of the room to take certain calls. And when you ask about it they say that you're being controlling or jealous.

It's like it's being deflected in some way. Then there can also be a shift in like the emotional temperature between you. They seem irritated by normal questions or emotionally detached when you try to connect.

Home starts to feel like the place they recover from work, not the place that they share life with you. And you begin to question your own instincts, wondering if you're just imagining it, feeling paranoid. This is something I remember intensely, even though my situation didn't involve a workplace affair between my wife and the affair partner.

It certainly carried lots of other similarities to everything that I've just been talking about. Now on to the wayward spouse or the unfaithful spouse, because awareness matters here too, arguably more so. And it's often the piece that gets missed, because I genuinely believe this.

Affairs rarely, almost never, start with intent. Honestly, and I've said this before, literally the only time that I have spoken to somebody where a betrayal has occurred with some intention was because they'd already been betrayed themselves. And it was almost like a revenge response.

They were deeply hurting themselves and seeking validation specifically, and felt justified in some way because of their own feelings of betrayal that they'd experienced with their partner. So how does it happen then if it's not with intent? Well perhaps, and I'm talking to you as the unfaithful spouse here, perhaps it starts with just subtle emotional outsourcing. Giving parts of yourself to someone who isn't your partner, just because it feels easier, lighter, less demanding, you're not predicting a judgement or a specific response.

Maybe you start sharing frustrations about home life. Maybe my partner just doesn't get it. Maybe you start dressing a little differently on certain days, or checking if that colleague has even noticed it.

You tell yourself it's harmless, but there's a small rush of excitement when they compliment you, or when you share an inside joke that nobody else understands. This is what I call the micro betrayal stage. It's like baby steps, tiny breaches of loyalty that seem insignificant on their own, but they do compound over time.

Each private message, each lingering glance, each shared secret, they all build intimacy. And intimacy, even emotional, always demands honesty. When you start editing what you share with your partner, omitting details, maybe softening the truth a little bit, creating mental justifications like, they're just a friend, that's the point to stop and take stock.

That's the point to stop and take stock, because that is the line. That's where friendship starts to become something else. Okay, so let's get practical.

What is it that both sides can watch out for? The first, I think, is emotional availability shifts. If your partner's energy feels redirected, or if you find yourself saving emotional connection for someone other than your partner, it's perhaps a sign that something deeper is going on. Maybe a little comparison is creeping in.

The betrayed spouse might start hearing subtle comparisons. We do things differently at work, you wouldn't understand. The unfaithful spouse might start idealising the colleague whilst minimising their partner's flaws.

And that contrast, it fuels disconnection at home and illusion elsewhere. In this case, often at work. Then there's the blurred boundaries.

Coffee breaks turn into private lunches. Group chats become one-to-one messages. Work talk becomes emotional support.

If something would feel uncomfortable with your partner present, it's already crossing a boundary. And then finally, we've got emotional justification, when we start to see that beginning. The biggest red flag isn't the action, it's the story you tell yourself to make it okay.

When you start thinking, they just understand me, or it's not physical, so it's fine. You're rewriting the rules in secret. The truth is, nobody wakes up one morning and decides to have a workplace affair.

It's a slow erosion of awareness, one unexamined moment at a time. So if you're the betrayed spouse sensing something's wrong, trust your intuition. Not your fear, but your awareness.

And if you're the wayward spouse, quietly rationalising your closeness with someone at work, take this as your moment to pause. Ask yourself, would I still say or do this if my partner was here? That single question has saved more relationships than any surveillance ever could. Okay, before we move on, I just want to quickly touch on something.

It's important to acknowledge that not all workplace affairs are created equal. Sometimes they occur between peers, but often they involve an imbalance of power. A manager, a senior colleague, or even a mentor figure, in some cases the boss.

Power adds a layer of complexity. It can distort consent, amplify secrecy, and deepen the shame on both sides, particularly if there's a risk of exposure. When one person holds authority over the other, whether that's in title, influence, or just simply reputation, the emotional dynamic isn't equal anymore, even if it feels that way in the moment.

For now, I just want to name that imbalance, because when we explore blame or responsibility in affairs, power does matter. And I'd like to dedicate a full episode to this dynamic, and I will do that in the not too distant future. I'm really on how authority, admiration, and approval can become a hidden sort of accelerant or fuel in the workplace betrayal environment.

Now, let's talk about one of the hardest realities to face after Discovery Day. You've learned that the affair is happening, and or it has happened, and you've been told that it has come to an end, and you are choosing, at least for the time being, to reconcile or work towards reconciliation in your relationship. But the affair partner still works at the same place, because even if contact has ended, the very idea that your partner still walks through those same doors, drinks the same coffee, attends the same meetings, or sees the same person who shattered your world, that can feel unbearable.

And yet, for many couples, it's a situation that they can't immediately escape. There's financial responsibilities, career commitments, and practical limitations means that it's not always as simple as just get another job. So what happens when the scene of the crime is still part of your daily life? For the betrayed spouse, this situation is incredibly destabilising.

Your body remembers. Even if months have passed since discovery, something as small as the phrase, I've got a meeting, can send you into a panic. You picture them in the same room, the same space, surrounded by reminders of what happened.

This isn't overreaction, it's trauma. And trauma doesn't recognise logic, it recognises danger. It's not just the thought that they might see the affair partner, it's what that symbolises.

A lack of control, a lack of safety, a lack of closure. Your brain tries to fill in the blanks, often imagining worst-case scenarios. And the more your partner tries to reassure you with just words, as that's all they really can do in that moment, the less your body seems to believe it.

Because safety isn't built through promises, it's built through consistency, through transparency, through time. Now for the unfaithful spouse, the situation demands radical empathy and humility. It's really easy to fall into defensiveness.

I can't help that we work together, or you're just gonna have to trust me. But that kind of response, while completely understandable, misses the emotional reality of what your partner is actually living through. They're not reacting to your job, they're reacting to your proximity, to pain, the pain that they feel.

They're not even asking for control, they're asking for safety. So your job, if you're the unfaithful partner, is to remove ambiguity. That doesn't mean you have to share every single minute of your day, or report in like an employee under surveillance.

It means that you voluntarily create clarity before you're asked for it. So perhaps it sounds something like this, I've got a meeting with her this morning, it's work-related only, and I'll tell you how it goes when I get home. Or, I've asked to be kept off joint projects where possible, and I'll let you know if that changes.

When those updates are offered freely, and instead of being extracted through interrogation, which can just lead to another example of trickle-truth, it just feels like there's more information always being kept under wraps. And even if it's done from a place of what the unfaithful spouse considers best intentions, because they don't want to put you under any unnecessary hurt, they're already seeing how much you're hurting, so anything that they feel that would accentuate that in some way, they want to try and avoid it, understandably. But in doing so, it's actually deteriorating the trust-building process.

Because reassurance isn't about checking boxes, it's about showing care through action. Now, okay, let's be clear, if the affair partner still works in close proximity, and there is ongoing communication, even if it is strictly professional, it's not enough just to say nothing's happening. You hear that? That's not enough.

What matters is how that communication is handled. In this case, boundaries need to be concrete. No private messages or calls that aren't work essential.

No lunches or one-to-one catch-ups to clear the air. No hiding interactions, even if you think it will spare your partner's feelings. You can't protect someone from pain by withholding the truth.

All that does is recreate the very secrecy that broke the trust in the first place. And for the betrayed spouse, I know how exhausting it is to live in this in-between space. You want to feel safe, but you also don't want to become someone who's constantly checking, questioning, scanning for danger.

You might even feel conflicted. Part of you wants to demand that they leave the job immediately, while another part feels guilty for even wanting that. That inner conflict, well, it makes perfect sense.

You've been thrown into a situation you didn't choose, and your brain is simply trying to restore balance in the only way it knows how, by seeking some form of control. But here's what I want you to remember. Control is a comfort strategy, not a healing strategy.

Real healing doesn't come from tracking their every move. It comes from learning what you need to feel safe, then communicating that from a grounded place. So maybe that sounds like, I understand that you can't leave right now, but I need transparency about when you'll be around her.

Or, when you tell me what's happening at work, it helps me regulate. When I have to ask, it re-triggers the anxiety. It's not about monitoring, it's just about being seen in your pain.

Now, for some couples, the best long-term outcome is a job change, but it needs to be made from clarity, not panic. Leaving impulsively can create resentment, especially if the betrayed partner later feels responsible for disrupting the other person's career. But staying indefinitely, without addressing the impact, can also feel like emotional self-betrayal.

So the middle ground is intention. If staying is the current reality, treat it as temporary. Build a plan together, even if that plan is just, we'll reassess in three months and see if anything has shifted.

That simple framework turns helplessness into agency. There's another element that often gets missed in this situation, and that's the role of the workplace itself. Because offices, teams and industries can develop cultures of silence or gossip, when an becomes known, it can create ongoing discomfort, professional consequences or whispered speculation.

And for the betrayed spouse, that adds yet another layer of potential humiliation. It's not just that your partner betrayed you, it's that strangers now know parts of your private life. So if possible, it's helpful for the wayward spouse to have at least one trusted point of accountability at work.

Maybe it's a HR contact, manager or mentor that's aware of the boundaries that need to be upheld. It doesn't need to be broadcast to the entire company. Just enough to ensure that there's some structure, professionalism and maybe a witness to change.

Now, if you're listening to this as the betrayed spouse and your partner still works alongside the affair partner, I want you to hear this. You are not weak for struggling with this. You are not unreasonable for wanting them to leave.

And you're not overreacting for finding it almost intolerable at times. You are having a completely normal human response to an abnormal situation. Your task isn't to make it feel comfortable, it's to make it manageable.

And that begins with defining what safety looks like for you, even if it changes over time. Maybe that's regular emotional check-ins rather than logistical ones. Maybe it's therapy, coaching, journaling, thought downloads, something to help you process what you can't maybe quite communicate as clearly as you'd like to.

Maybe it's having a short-term plan that leads to a tangible decision about the future. Because staying in this dynamic without direction keeps you trapped in survival mode. You deserve a path forward, even if that path isn't fully visible yet.

And for the unfaithful spouse, I'll end your part with this. The hardest but most powerful thing that you can do right now is put your partner's safety above your own convenience. That's what real repair looks like.

Because trust isn't rebuilt in grand gestures, it's rebuilt in the tiny repeated acts that say, I choose us, even when it's inconvenient. Affairs in the workplace don't just happen because people are careless. They happen because people forget that they're human.

They forget that boundaries aren't walls, they're guardrails that keep us safe while still allowing connection. And when those guardrails collapse, the fallout touches everything, home, work, family, identity. But healing begins the same way it does in every other context, through self-awareness, responsibility and communication grounded in truth rather than fear.

So as you reflect on your own story, ask yourself, what would safety look like for me? Not just in my relationship, but in the environments that I step into every single day. Because the environments that we build at home and at work are only as honest as the people inside them. And if you're listening to this and thinking that's exactly where I am, I'm surviving but I'm not really living yet, then maybe it's time for some support.

The kind that helps you see clearly what you already know deep down. That's what my coaching is designed to do. It's a space to quieten the noise, reconnect with yourself and move from reacting to intentionally rebuilding, whether that's with your partner or within yourself.

Inside the After the Affair Collective you'll find others walking the same path. It's not just a community, it's a space for coaching, connection, learning, safety, strength and belief. It's a place that you can breathe again, to learn, to process and to remind yourself that you are not broken.

You're becoming. Because healing after betrayal isn't about getting back to who you were. It's about becoming who you were always meant to be.

Calm, clear and confident in your own truth. If that sounds like the kind of transformation that you're ready for, then email me luke at lifecoachluke.com or visit my website lifecoachluke.com and book yourself a free 30-minute discovery call to learn more. You don't have to keep doing this alone.

I promise this is the beginning for you and I'm here to help as much as I can. Have an amazing week and I'll talk to you all again very soon.