159. The Truth About Safety After Betrayal

When you've been betrayed, the world no longer feels safe. Your body is on high alert, your mind races, and even moments of calm feel suspicious. People tell you to “find safety within yourself,” but when everything inside is screaming, it’s hard to know where to begin. You might wonder: Am I healing, or just learning to tolerate pain?

In this episode, I unpack the two sides of safety after infidelity: internal and relational. I explain how real healing doesn’t mean abandoning your need for connection, but rather building the tools to trust yourself and expect accountability from others.

If you’ve ever felt stuck between needing reassurance and wanting to stand strong, this one is for you.

Key Takeaways:

• Learn the difference between emotional regulation and self-gaslighting after betrayal.

• Understand how true internal safety begins with self-trust, not perfection.

• Discover why relational safety is not optional; it’s essential for healing together.

• Recognise how healthy interdependence helps you build trust without losing yourself.

• Get clear on how to stop mistaking chaos for connection and anxiety for love.

💬 Reflection Questions:

How do you define safety now? Have your ideas about emotional or relational safety changed since the betrayal?

Connect with Luke:

• Website: www.lifecoachluke.com

• Instagram: @mylifecoachluke

• Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Episode Transcript:

Let me set the tone. You can't think straight. Your chest feels tight.

You're waiting for that next shift in tone, the next change in energy. Your body's scanning for danger even when the room is completely quiet. That's what happens when safety's been broken.

And when you start hearing phrases like, you have to find safety within yourself, it can feel almost insulting. Because if you could just do that, you'd probably have done it already. So instead you start wondering, am I supposed to be okay with this? Am I just gaslighting myself into peace? It's pretty confusing.

And the truth is, both things are true. You do have to find safety in yourself. And you also deserve safety with them.

The After The Affair podcast with me Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide, and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Together we'll explore what's required to rebuild trust, not only in yourself, but also with others. Whether you stay or leave, I can help.

And no matter what your story, there will be something here for you. Let's go. Hey, welcome back to the After The Affair podcast.

I'm your host Luke Shillings, and you're listening to episode number 159. Okay, so let's start with the first piece. Internal safety.

When people hear that phrase, it's easy to picture someone who's totally unshakeable. You're thinking of me, aren't you? Someone who meditates every morning, breathes through every trigger, never raises their voice, never spirals. Okay, maybe not me.

The image of calm, controlled, self-sufficient. And while that might sound really appealing, it's also somewhat robotic. And that's not what inner safety really is.

Because you're not trying to become someone who never wobbles. You're learning to become somebody who doesn't abandon themselves when they do. True internal safety isn't about the absence of pain, it's the presence of self-trust.

It's the quiet knowing that whatever happens, I can be with myself through this. That I can sit with discomfort without turning it into self-criticism. That I can notice fear or grief or anger without needing to fix it right away.

It's the difference between saying, I need to stop feeling like this, and instead saying, of course I feel like this. Anybody in my position would. That shift might sound fairly small, but it is the foundation of healing.

Because the moment you meet your emotions with understanding instead of judgement, something inside begins to release, exhale. Your nervous system starts to learn that it's safe to feel, safe to be human, safe to not have it all together. That's what internal safety really looks like.

It's not composure, it's not perfect control, but relationship. A relationship with yourself built on compassion, not conditions. Because the truth is, you can't build external safety with a partner, with anyone actually, if the voice inside you is still saying you shouldn't feel this way.

That's the same voice that once ignored the warning signs, that minimised the pain, that told you to just hold it together while your whole world fell apart. Inner safety starts the moment you decide that every version of you, the calm one, the messy one, the terrified one, they all deserve to be met with care. Okay, so let's flip to the other side.

Now let's talk about relational safety. Because yes, internal safety definitely matters, but what many people get stuck with is they start to believe that if they can just master their internal world, their thoughts, their emotions, their reactions, then they shouldn't need safety from anybody else. And that sounds quite empowering, but until it starts to feel a little bit like self-abandonment in disguise, you tell yourself things like, I just need to manage my triggers better, or it's my job to stay calm even when they shut down.

If I were really healed, this wouldn't even bother me. But that's not strength, that's your nervous system trying to survive in an environment that still doesn't feel safe. We're wired for connection.

Safety isn't meant to be built in isolation, it's meant to be reinforced through relationships. Relational safety is when your partner's words, actions, and energy communicate, you're safe here. Your feelings matter, and I'm not your enemy.

It's not about perfection, nobody can provide that. It's about consistency, accountability, a willingness to listen, to repair, to show through action that the relationship space itself is not dangerous. That doesn't mean your partner is responsible for your healing though.

However, it does mean that they do play a role in whether healing is even possible together. Think of it this way, inner safety is like learning to swim. Relational safety is being in water that isn't full of riptides.

You can be a really strong swimmer and still drown if the current is too strong. And you can also be in completely calm waters and still panic if you've not learned to trust yourself in it. So both matter.

So when we talk about safety in relationships after betrayal, it's not about choosing one or the other, it's about balance. You tend to your internal safety so that you can show up with more clarity, more self-trust, and more grounded boundaries. And you build relational safety so that those parts can rest, so you're not constantly bracing for the next impact.

When both are present, you can trust yourself and you can trust the space between you. Here's where things can still get confusing though, and honestly it's one of the most common traps I see people fall into during their healing. Once you start learning about emotional regulation, self-responsibility, and the power of your thoughts, it's easy to take that insight and turn it against yourself.

You start believing that if you really were healed, you wouldn't feel unsafe. That if you were really emotionally mature, your partner's behaviour wouldn't affect you. That if you just did the work, you'd be fine, no matter what was happening around you.

But that's not emotional growth, that is self-gaslighting, and it's dressed up as self-awareness. Because true emotional maturity doesn't mean you stop reacting to unhealthy dynamics, it means you trust your reactions enough to pay attention to them. Your discomfort might not always mean danger, but it always means something.

It's your body's way of asking for clarity, consistency, or in some cases, just care. And the moment you silence that inner signal with thoughts like, I should be over this by now, or if I just think differently, I'll feel differently, you're teaching yourself that your feelings are negotiable, that boundaries are optional, but they're not. You can't build genuine internal safety by invalidating yourself in the process, and you can't build relational safety if the relationship itself requires you to abandon your truth to keep the peace.

So here is the balance. You are not responsible for your partner's emotions, but you are responsible for listening to your own. You are not to blame for their choices, but you are accountable for the ones you make in response.

And sometimes the most self-regulated, grounded, emotionally intelligent thing you can do is say, this doesn't feel safe for me, and that matters. It's not weakness, it's wisdom, it's listening. It's the moment self-trust and relational awareness finally start working together instead of against each other.

Safety isn't something you just find, it's something you build. It doesn't appear one day because everything finally feels calm, it's created brick by brick through the way you show up for yourself and the way your partner shows up for you. Think of it a little bit like a bridge, one side anchored in self-trust, that inner knowing that you can handle whatever life throws at you, other anchored in relational trust, built on evidence that your partner can hold space for you without judgement, defensiveness or withdrawal.

If either side collapses, the bridge doesn't stand. You can't cross it alone because internal safety without external safety becomes isolation, and external safety without internal safety becomes dependence. When you can meet your own fear without spiralling, you stop reacting from panic.

You can breathe before you speak, you can choose rather than just survive. And when your partner shows up calmly, consistently, truthfully, your body starts to exhale. Your nervous system gets the message, it's safe to rest here.

That's when connection becomes real again, not forced, not performed, just two people learning that safety isn't owned by either one, it's shared. So maybe the work isn't about becoming so independent that you never need safety from anybody again. That's not strength, it's just self-protection.

Maybe the real work is learning to stop seeking safety in people who can't or maybe even won't offer it. Because inner safety doesn't replace relational safety, it reveals it, it sharpens your awareness, it helps you feel the difference between peace and performance. When you know how to calm your own nervous system, you stop mistaking the rush of chaos for the spark of connection.

When you know your worth, you stop calling inconsistency love. And when you know what safety feels like inside your own body, the quiet, the grounded, the steady, you'll never again confuse anxiety with chemistry. That's the power of internal safety.

It's not there to make you tolerate less, it's there to help you recognise when something truly isn't safe. Because the goal isn't to rise above your human need for comfort and connection, it's to make sure you don't settle for the counterfeit versions of them. So if you've ever felt like you're failing because you still crave reassurance, because you still want to be held, to be seen, to be told you're safe now, you're not failing, you're human.

We're not designed to do this entirely alone. Our nervous systems are built to co-regulate, to steady in the presence of another. That's not weakness, it's wiring.

And yes, there's deep power in being able to suit yourself, to anchor in your own sense of safety, but that doesn't mean you should stop wanting safety with the person that you love. It just means you can tell the difference between needing someone to calm you and choosing to share calm with them. That's what healthy interdependence looks like.

Two whole people, each able to self-soothe, choosing to build safety together. Because true healing happens when both things are allowed to be true. Your safety begins with you and it's still okay, more than okay, to expect accountability, care and consistency from the person who hurt you.

Because love without safety isn't love, it's fear, dressed up as hope. And you deserve more than that. If anything that we've discussed in today's episode or any other episode for that matter has really resonated with you and you'd like to explore further, then please drop me a message.

You can contact me directly at luke at lifecoachluke.com or you can come and join me over on Instagram and I would love to be able to help you find your next step. Okay, have a wonderful week and I'll talk to you all again very soon.