158. Fight, Apologise, Repeat: Breaking the Cycle of False Hope

When you've been betrayed, it's easy to find yourself trapped in a painful loop: conflict, disconnect, apology, hope, only to repeat it all over again. One moment you're questioning everything, the next you're clinging to the possibility that things might finally be different. But if you're honest, deep down you know: something isn’t shifting. The cycle is exhausting, disorientating, and yet so familiar it feels almost impossible to break.

In this episode, I break down the emotional and even biological grip of this damaging relationship cycle. I share why temporary hope can be so seductive, how false promises keep you hooked, and what real change actually looks like.

If you're tired of surviving on emotional crumbs and are ready for clarity, this episode will help you see the pattern and start breaking the cycle of false hope.

Key Takeaways:

• Understand the conflict-repair cycle and how it keeps you emotionally hooked after betrayal.

• Learn how your nervous system rewards false hope through addictive dopamine loops.

• Discover why apologies and promises aren’t enough without consistent behavioural change.

• Start recognising the signs of emotional fantasy vs. real relationship progress.

• Gain practical ways to interrupt the cycle and choose stability, even if it means standing alone.

💬 Reflection Question:

Have you found yourself riding the highs and lows of this emotional rollercoaster, hoping each apology will be the last?

Connect with Luke:

• Website: www.lifecoachluke.com

• Instagram: @mylifecoachluke

• Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Episode Transcript:

The After The Affair podcast with me Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Together we'll explore what's required to rebuild trust not only in yourself but also with others. Whether you stay or leave I can help and no matter what your story there will be something here for you.

Let's go. Hello and welcome back to the After The Affair podcast with me Luke Shillings. You're listening to episode number 158.

I'd like to talk about something that I see both with clients and in many of the messages that I receive from listeners and it's this cycle that happens in relationships after betrayal. It goes something like this. Conflict, a fight or a trigger, disconnect, maybe silence, distance, even thoughts of leaving, then repair, an apology, a promise, a moment of reconnection which then finally brings hope and then it starts again.

Conflict, disconnect, repair, hope. If this feels familiar to you, you are not alone and it can be exhausting, disorientating and sometimes even quite addictive. So today I want to break down why this cycle is so powerful, what it costs you and how perhaps you can start to step out of it.

So let's map this out. It usually kicks off with a conflict or a trigger of some sort. Sometimes it's obvious, a heated argument which is a clear reminder of the affair or even another breach of trust.

Other times it's tiny, a late text reply, a shift in tone, a look that lingers just a little bit too long and suddenly your body reacts like an alarm is going off. That conflict sparks disconnect. One or both of you begin to pull away.

Maybe door slams, maybe there's a night in separate rooms, maybe it stretches into days of silence and in that space the questions creep in. Is this really working? Can I do this? Is this relationship even salvageable? Then comes the repair. It might be an apology, words of reassurance or that familiar promise, I'll do better, things will change.

Sometimes there's even a moment of real vulnerability, a glimpse of the partner you've been desperate to see again, the one who makes you believe it might all be worth it and with that the repair brings hope. It's a sudden rush of relief, suddenly your shoulders drop, the chest feels lighter and you let yourself think maybe this time it's different, maybe we finally turned a corner. But before long another trigger hits, another conflict, another round of disconnect and the whole cycle spins back up again.

It's like being strapped onto a roller coaster you did not buy a ticket for, pulled up and thrown down, side to side, no chance to catch your breath, like running on a hamster wheel, your legs are burning but you're never actually getting anywhere and the longer it goes on the more you start wondering how many more times can I ride this thing before I break? Now here's the thing, this cycle isn't just emotional, it's chemical. When conflict hits your body floods with cortisol and adrenaline. Fight, flight, freeze, your nervous system is on high alert and when repair comes, the apology, the promise, the reconnection, well your body rewards that.

It rewards you with dopamine, relief, safety, hope and that dopamine hit is pretty powerful. You know I've shared before we're all pleasure dopamine junkies, we like it, it's the one drug that we all trade in. That hit is powerful, it feels good, it feels necessary, it's like water after a drought but the catch is it works just like an addictive loop.

Pain, craving, relief, repeat. Which is why you might notice yourself waiting for the repair. Even when you've told yourself you're done, even when you're ready to walk away, one moment of hope pulls you right back in.

Now that's not weakness, it isn't a lack of willpower, it's biology. It's your brain doing exactly what it was designed to do. But if you're not aware of it, biology itself can keep you stuck.

Here's the problem, when this cycle repeats often enough, it's not just exhausting, it's destabilising. Your system never fully recovers before the next drop, you still feel tender from the last blow and then another one comes. It's emotional whiplash and over time it reshapes the landscape of your relationship because every promise of change that doesn't stick, it's a lesson.

Your nervous system learns, don't believe it. It doesn't matter how heartfelt the apology sounds in the moment, if it's not backed up by consistent action, your body keeps the score. Your trust begins to erode drip by drip and then there's clarity or, well, lack of it.

When you're living on a diet of temporary highs, it's hard to measure the progress. You can't tell if something's actually improving or if it's just being soothed enough, just enough to hang on until the next storm. Hope is beautiful, it's necessary, but hope without evidence? Well, it's not really hope, it's attachment.

That's clinging to a cycle because the highs feel better than the lows, even if nothing is truly changing. So how do we step out of this? The first step is simply recognising the cycle for what it is, noticing it. It might sound obvious but when you're in it the highs and lows feel so consuming that it's really easy to miss the bigger pattern.

Naming it, seeing it clearly, already starts to weaken its hold. Get a pen and paper. As you're listening to this, start thinking about it.

What are the steps of the cycle that you feel you might be stuck in? Second, ask yourself, is the change I'm seeing real or is it just words? Evidence matters. Intentions are good, of course, but unless they're followed up by actual meaningful behavioural changes, then they don't really count for a great deal. Apologies are easy, promises are easy, tears and regret can feel very, very convincing.

But what happens two weeks later or two months? Does the behaviour follow through? Do you see consistency, even in small ways? Or does it all just reset back to the same old loop? Third, consider what it would take to interrupt the cycle. That might mean setting clearer boundaries. I can't keep having the same argument and pretending it's resolved.

It might mean creating space apart so you can see things with more perspective. And sometimes it may mean facing a bigger decision, like separation, if the cycle just simply refuses to shift. Because here's the truth, staying locked in this pattern is exhausting.

And exhaustion isn't the same as healing. You can survive another round, sure, but healing? Healing only comes when the cycle is broken, when you no longer settle for temporary highs as proof of progress, when you choose stability, even if that stability means standing on your own. Now I want to add a note of compassion here because if you're the betrayed partner, it's very, very easy to slip into shame.

Why do I keep falling for it? Why do I keep giving them another chance? But what I want you to hear, and I want you to hear this very clearly, that isn't weakness. It's a natural response to trauma. It's what attachment does.

It's what your biology does when hope feels like survival. And if you're the unfaithful partner, I'd like you to acknowledge this. This cycle can feel like your only lifeline.

The conflict arises and all you want is to stop the bleeding. So you apologise. You make promises.

You say what you think will hold things together because in that moment you are desperate. Desperate not to lose your partner. Desperate not to face what you've done.

But here's the hard truth. Unless those promises are backed up with accountability, with consistent action, with real change over time, they just fold back into the very cycle that's breaking the both of you. So breaking free takes courage on both sides.

For the betrayed, it's the courage to stop living of temporary hope and start asking what do I need in order to heal? And for the unfaithful, it's the courage to face the discomfort of accountability. To prove, not just promise. That's where something you can actually begin.

Not in repeating the cycle, but in daring to step outside of it. So if you find yourself caught in this loop of conflict, disconnect, repair and hope, know that you're not imagining it. It is real and it's powerful and it's keeping you hooked for the reasons that make perfect sense.

But also know this, you don't have to stay in it forever. With awareness, with support and with brave choices, you can break the cycle and step into a future that's built on something steadier than temporary hope. Thank you as always for listening to the After The Affair podcast.

If this episode has really spoken to you, I'd love to hear your thoughts. You can email me at luke at lifecoachluke.com or join me over on Instagram at my lifecoachluke. Or of course, come and be part of the conversation in the After The Affair Facebook group.

Okay, take care of yourselves and I'll talk to you all next week.