154. Contempt After Betrayal: The Silent Killer of Connection

After betrayal, the deepest wounds often aren’t from the affair itself, but from what follows. Maybe you’ve found yourself thinking, “I can never look at them the same way again,” or “Why can’t they just get over it?” These aren’t just fleeting thoughts. They might be signs of something more corrosive: contempt. And if left unaddressed, contempt quietly destroys any hope of true connection.

In this episode of After the Affair, I, Luke Shillings, explore how contempt shows up for both betrayed and unfaithful partners. You'll learn how it differs from resentment, why it’s such a potent barrier to reconciliation, and, most importantly, how to begin dismantling it.

Whether you're working toward healing together or separately, this conversation brings clarity and compassion to one of the most misunderstood dynamics in infidelity recovery.

Key Takeaways:

• Understand how contempt differs from anger and resentment, and why that distinction matters for healing.

• Discover the hidden ways contempt shows up in betrayed and unfaithful partners, and why it often feels justified.

• Learn why contempt blocks intimacy and empathy, making reconciliation nearly impossible without change.

• Explore why contempt is rooted in fear and shame, not truth, and how to start replacing it with curiosity and compassion.

• Recognise the vital role of external support in breaking the cycle of emotional detachment and reclaiming self-worth.

💬 Reflection Question:

Have you noticed contempt creeping into your thoughts or reactions?

Connect with Luke:

• Website: www.lifecoachluke.com

• Instagram: @mylifecoachluke

• Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Episode Transcript:

It's possible that the biggest threat to healing after betrayal isn't the betrayal itself, but instead it's what comes after. In this case I'm talking about that subtle but deadly shift where one person begins to see the other as beneath them, less than them, unworthy of equal standing. Contempt.

It's one of those really corrosive forces in relationships, and after infidelity it shows up, or at least it can, on both sides. Today I want to talk about what contempt really is, how it differs from resentment, and why it can make reconciliation almost impossible if it's not addressed. The After the Affair podcast with me Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide, and move forward on purpose following infidelity.

Together we'll explore what's required to rebuild trust not only in yourself, but also with others. Whether you stay or leave, I can help, and no matter what your story, there will be something here for you. Let's go! Hello and welcome back to the After the Affair podcast.

I'm your host Luke Shillings and you're listening to episode number 154. Okay, so today we're talking about contempt. Contempt in relationships, in particular after betrayal.

According to one of, if not the leading expert in relationship science, John Gottman, he describes contempt as being the single biggest predictor of divorce. Contempt is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse in relationships, and it runs alongside criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling, and it's really not hard to see why. After infidelity, contempt can often creep in from both directions.

The betrayed partner can feel contempt towards the unfaithful partner, so you disgust me, I'll never look at you the same way, and the unfaithful partner can develop contempt in return. Why can't you just move on already? How long will I have to keep paying for this? And of course, left unchecked, contempt can erode the connection faster than anything else. So in this episode, I want to explore a few things.

First, I want to look at what contempt actually is and how it differs from resentment. Then I want to explore how it shows up specifically for the betrayed partner, then again for the unfaithful partner. I want to look at why it's so dangerous for reconciliation specifically, and also what it actually takes to work towards removing contempt from a relationship.

So let's start by clarifying the difference between resentment and contempt. Resentment, which I've definitely spoken about in a previous episode, I want to say episode 34, forgive me, I've not fact-checked that off on the spot, is it's usually about unmet expectations or unresolved hurts. It's when you feel let down, angry, or wronged, and those feelings can simmer under the surface.

Resentment often says, you didn't meet my need and I feel hurt or frustrated, whereas contempt tends to go a bit further. Contempt is when resentment hardens into disdain. It's when you place yourself above your partner, viewing them as beneath you, inferior, even unworthy in some cases.

Contempt says, you're not just someone who hurt me, you are lesser, you are beneath my respect. It's important to note that the individual thoughts that sound contemptuous, things like I'll never look at you in the same way again, of course can show up long before contempt truly sets in. Those thoughts in themselves don't automatically mean contempt is present, they can be just part of the natural wave of painful reactions and emotions that you feel after betrayal.

Where contempt cements itself is when those thoughts become the fixed narrative, when you can no longer release them, when they become the truth about your partner from your perspective. At that point, the deeper, the more primal emotions they take over, what was once hurt or anger transforms into a kind of disgust, and disgust by its very nature pushes us to reject and distance ourselves. That's the line between resentment and contempt, and it's a line that makes all the difference for whether healing is or is not possible.

When we consider it from the perspective of the betrayed partner, contempt often grows out of the raw wound of betrayal itself. At first the thoughts might sound like, you lied to me, you made a fool of me, you put my health and safety at risk. These are natural, even healthy responses to discovering that the person that you trusted most has broken that trust.

They are the mind's way of naming the injury, but contempt creeps in when those painful observations harden into something deeper, into judgments that strip the other person of equal standing. They shift into, you're beneath me now, or I can never respect you again, you're disgusting to me. It's understandable how this happens.

Betrayal doesn't just hurt feelings, it undermines the very foundation of respect and equality that relationships depend on. If trust is the glue, betrayal dissolves it, and when that glue is gone contempt can slip in to fill the space. But here's the critical difference.

Contempt is not the same as anger. Anger, though intense, is fluid. It can be expressed, processed, and released.

Anger says, I'm hurt, I'm furious, I need to be heard. And while it may be uncomfortable, anger has movement. It can lead to confrontation, dialogue, even clarity.

Contempt, on the other hand, is static. It doesn't move. It settles in.

It positions your partner as permanently lesser, beneath you in worth. And once that happens, intimacy, empathy, and even basic communication become almost impossible. Because if I see you as beneath me, why would I lean in? Why would I try to understand? Why would I risk being vulnerable with someone I secretly believe is beneath contempt? Let me give you an example.

Imagine a betrayed partner who, months after discovery, is still seething with unresolved hurt. Their unfaithful spouse shares something vulnerable. Maybe it's about their own shame or regret.

But instead of listening, the betrayed partner scoffs, rolls their eyes, and mutters, pathetic, you make me sick. Notice how different that is from saying, I'm still so angry at what you did. I can't forgive you yet.

The first shuts the door. The second leaves the possibility of dialogue open. That's the line between contempt and anger.

That's what makes contempt so dangerous after betrayal. It feels justified, almost righteous, but in reality, it quietly corrodes the very possibility of repair. On the other side, the unfaithful partner can also slip into contempt, though it can often look different.

In this case, it might sound like, why can't you just get over it already? I've apologised a hundred times, but it's never seemed to be enough. You're too sensitive. Why do you keep dragging this out? What's happening here isn't always obvious at first glance.

On the surface, it sounds dismissive or impatient, but underneath, contempt in the unfaithful partner is often fuelled by shame. Facing the betrayal means staring directly at the choices and pain that they caused, and for many, that's deeply uncomfortable, sometimes unbearable. The quickest escape is to push the betrayed partner away, to paint them as unreasonable, needy, or weak for not moving on.

It's a form of projection. Instead of sitting within their own shame, your faithful partner flips it outward. They turn their partner's ongoing hurt into the problem, rather than their own actions.

It's easier to think you're too sensitive than sit with, I hurt you, and that takes time to heal. This contempt is just as corrosive as the contempt from the betrayed side. It blocks empathy, and empathy is the oxygen of repair.

Without empathy, there's no validation, no safety, no way to rebuild trust. And for the betrayed partner, contempt from the unfaithful side feels like being betrayed all over again. It says, not only did I hurt you, but now I refuse to honour the depth of that hurt.

Imagine an unfaithful husband and his betrayed wife, a year into reconciliation. She's still triggered when he leaves his phone face down on the table. One evening, she asks, can you just put your phone face up when we're together, it helps me feel safe.

But instead of leaning in, he sighs, rolls his eyes and mutters, are we really still doing this? You ever going to let go? That moment of contempt doesn't just dismiss her request, it dismisses her reality. And over time, those small dismissals build into walls thicker than the affair itself. The truth is contempt on the unfaithful side doesn't come from strength.

It comes from fear, fear of sitting with shame, fear of never being forgiven, fear of being defined forever by the worst decision they made. But by turning that fear into contempt, they only guarantee that reconciliation drifts further out of reach. Contempt is often called the silent killer of relationships, and for good reason.

From my own observations, when one person sees the other as beneath them, as lesser, there is almost nothing the recipient of that contempt can do to change it. They can apologise endlessly, try to prove themselves day after day, bend over backwards to show loyalty and remorse. But contempt isn't healed by the efforts of the one on the receiving end.

The uncomfortable truth is that contempt lives in the person who feels it. And that means the only person who can eradicate contempt is the one holding it. And I don't think eradicate is too strong a word.

Contempt is corrosive. It's like acid in a container. The longer it sits, the more it eats away, not only at the relationship but at the person holding it.

The problem is, contempt also blinds us to itself. It feels justified. It feels natural.

It feels like truth. That's why I believe that removing contempt from a relationship usually cannot be achieved without a third party's involvement. A professional can hold up the mirror and say, this isn't just pain, this is contempt.

And if it isn't addressed, it will destroy any chance of healing. Of course, there are exceptions. As with anything, some people can recognise and dismantle contempt on their own.

But in my experience, those cases are rare. Without outside help, contempt tends to harden rather than soften. And once it hardens, it becomes the single biggest predictor that reconciliation won't succeed.

So, what does it take to break free of contempt? Well, the first step, as is true with pretty much everything that we speak about on this podcast, is awareness. It's naming contempt for what it is. Recognising when hurt has tipped into disdain.

That is the first step. Then, we can explore empathy. Starting to shift your perspective, even just slightly.

Maybe trying to see your partner as human again, rather than beneath you, or different to you in some sense. Next step is to try and start replacing contempt with curiosity. Instead of, you're disgusting, maybe you can ask, well, what led you here? And how can we stop this happening again? And then finally, we want to readdress the power imbalances in the relationship.

Contempt thrives when one partner feels morally superior. But healing, it requires balance. It requires bringing the relationship back to an equal footing.

But again, most couples can't do this alone, because contempt convinces us it isn't the problem. It tells us that the other person is. In conclusion, contempt is primal.

It's tied to disgust, one of our core survival emotions. It's designed to help us avoid harm. But in relationships, especially after betrayal, it can become misdirected.

And instead of protecting us, it poisons us. So the question is, where is contempt showing up in your relationship right now? Is it in your thoughts about your partner? Is it in the way you interpret their every action? Is it in the tone of your voice when you speak? And more importantly, are you willing to see contempt for what it is? Not a truth, but a toxin. Because without addressing contempt, reconciliation becomes almost impossible.

But with awareness, empathy, and the right support, contempt doesn't have to be the end of the story. Thank you ever so much, as always, for listening to this episode of the After The Affair podcast. If today's topic resonated with you, I'd love to hear your thoughts.

How has contempt shown up in your own healing? And what has helped you deal with it? Reach out to me on Instagram. You can visit me at MyLifeCoachLuke, or come and join us over at the After The Affair Facebook group. The link is in the show notes.

And remember, contempt may feel justified, but it's not sustainable. If you want to heal, contempt has to go. Until next time, take care.