152. Serial Cheaters - Can They Ever Really Change?

Discovering a partner's affair is shattering, but what happens when it’s not the first time? When betrayal is a pattern, not a one-off mistake, the pain goes deeper. If you've uncovered repeated lies, multiple affairs, or a history of emotional detachment, you're not just questioning what happened; you're questioning everything.

In this episode, I explore the reality of serial cheating with honesty and compassion. Whether you’re a betrayed partner wondering if change is possible, or someone struggling with a pattern of infidelity yourself, this conversation opens the door to clarity, accountability, and real healing.

You'll learn what serial cheating really means, how to spot the patterns, and what genuine change looks like.

Key Takeaways:

• Serial cheating is less about the betrayed and more about the cheater’s unresolved patterns.

• Not every repeat offender is a narcissist; sometimes, it’s trauma, insecurity, or fear of intimacy.

• Change is possible, but only with radical honesty, accountability, and consistent action.

• For betrayed partners, clarity comes not through promises, but patterns of behaviour.

• True healing starts when you stop betraying yourself in the process of hoping they’ll change.

💬 Reflection Questions:

Have you experienced repeated betrayal in your relationship? What helped you begin to reclaim your trust, or your self-worth?

Connect with Luke:

• Website: www.lifecoachluke.com

• Instagram: @mylifecoachluke

• Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Episode Transcript:

What happens when betrayal isn't a one-off choice, but instead a repeated pattern? When you discover not only one affair, but multiple, or a string of secret conversations, messages, or encounters with different people. For many, that's the nightmare of discovering that they're with a serial cheater. But here's the question, does this pattern mean they'll never change? Or is there still hope? The After The Affair podcast with me, Luke Shillings, is here to help you process, decide, and move forward on purpose following infidelity.

Together, we'll explore what's required to rebuild trust, not only in yourself, but also with others. Whether you stay or leave, I can help. And no matter what your story, there will be something here for you.

Let's go! Hello, and welcome back to the After The Affair podcast with me, Luke Shillings. You're listening to episode number 152. And today, I want to tackle the subject that isn't spoken about probably quite enough.

Serial cheaters. This episode was sparked by an email I received from a listener. She wrote to me after her D-Day, back in June.

Now, as she described it, finding out about an affair was devastating enough. But what she uncovered went far beyond a single incident. Not only had her husband been unfaithful, he had also been engaging with numerous women in different ways over a long period of time.

And whilst he is now in therapy, and even showing signs of remorse, for her, the biggest question isn't simply about this one betrayal. It's about the pattern. Because when you're dealing with serial cheating, the pain isn't just about what happened.

It's about what it seems to mean. It raises questions that cut much deeper. Is this who they really are at their core? Is our whole relationship a lie? If they've done it before, how can I ever trust that they won't do it again? And on the other side of this question, there are those of you listening who may be recognising these patterns in yourselves.

You may find yourself thinking, why do I keep repeating the same behaviour, even when I promise myself that I won't? What am I chasing that I can't seem to find in my relationship? Am I broken? Or is there actually a way to change? And that's where today's episode really comes in. Because serial cheating is often talked about in extremes. On one end, society says, once a cheater, always a cheater.

On the other, people sometimes minimise it. Everyone slips up, it's just temptation. But neither of those responses really captures the truth.

So today, I want to break this open in a way that's both honest and compassionate, to help betrayed partners make sense of what it means when cheating is not a one-off, and also to speak directly to those who might find themselves stuck in a cycle of repeated betrayals. Not to shame you, but to offer a chance to pause, reflect and ask whether change is potentially possible. Because at the heart of this conversation is one question.

Does a pattern of cheating define a person forever? Or can it be broken? So, what do we actually mean by serial cheater? We're not talking here about someone who made a one-off choice in a specific set of circumstances, painful as that might be. A serial cheater is someone who repeatedly seeks connection, intimacy or validation outside of their committed relationship. And this can take many forms.

It might look like multiple affairs, sometimes overlapping, sometimes spread out over years. It might be compulsive messaging, flirting or sexting with strangers online. Or it could be a hidden pattern of sexual encounters that are carefully concealed from their partner.

The point isn't just the act itself, but the pattern. A repeated cycle where boundaries are crossed again and again. Now, society has a habit of often jumping straight to labels.

They're neat, they're simple, it gives people a clear line in the sand. But as with most things, reality is often far more nuanced. Some people repeat cheating because of underlying patterns they've never addressed, deep insecurities that make them constantly seek external reassurance, fear of intimacy that pushes them away whenever things get too close.

Addiction-like behaviours where the dopamine hit of novelty feels somewhat irresistible. Or a restless chase for validation where one partner's love never feels quite like enough. Others fall into repeated betrayal because of circumstantial factors, constant opportunity without strong boundaries, peer groups or environments that normalise infidelity.

Or unresolved trauma that drives them to self-sabotage or even escape. None of this excuses the behaviour itself, but it does tell us something important. It's rarely, if ever, about the betrayed partner, or even the relationship itself, it's often about the cheater's relationship with themselves.

Think of it a little like a cracked foundation in a house. You can patch over the walls, you can paint them, you can rearrange the furniture, but if the foundation itself is unstable, the cracks will just keep reappearing. Serial cheating is often the outward symptom of that deeper instability.

Unless the person is willing to stop, dig down and repair the foundation, the insecurities, the fears, the compulsions, then the cracks will likely just keep showing up, no matter how many times they promise it will be different. And before we move on, I also want to acknowledge something that often comes up in this conversation. Narcissism.

It's a word that gets thrown around a lot in the betrayal and infidelity space. And while narcissistic traits or even full narcissistic personality disorder can absolutely play a role in repeated betrayals, I'm cautious about how loosely the term can sometimes be used. Too often it becomes a kind of clickbait, a label that simplifies something incredibly complex into one loud message.

They're a narcissist. And while that can feel comforting in the short term because it hands responsibility to a diagnosis or to something outside of the person's control, it can also be misleading. Not every serial cheater is a narcissist and not every narcissist cheats.

I'm not for one second disputing that narcissism exists, nor the damage it can cause. But when the term is overused, it can distract from the more subtle but equally powerful forces at play. Insecurity, avoidance, boundary issues or trauma responses.

And those are things that, unlike a label, can actually be worked on and changed. So if we step away from the labels, the question becomes, how do you recognise whether you're dealing with a serial pattern? What are the things to look out for that go beyond a single choice? Some of the signs might include repeated secrecy, hidden accounts, unexplained absences, extra mobile phones or constantly checking their digital history. The energy isn't just in the cheating itself but in the effort to maintain the double life.

Then there's shifting stories, timelines that change, details don't quite match up or the explanation that you got today doesn't quite add up to the one that you heard last week. And over time these inconsistencies become a pattern in and of themselves. Then there's defensiveness, deflection or minimisation.

Rather than leaning into openness there's blame shifting, justification or phrases like it was nothing or you're overreacting. These responses aren't just about protecting a mistake but they're about protecting the cycle. And then maybe there's just a history of blurred boundaries.

It might be constant flirting, inappropriate friendships or an online presence that constantly tows the line. It's not always about a single event but about the comfort they've developed in skating close to the edge. I want to be very clear here.

Noticing any one of these things doesn't automatically mean you're with a serial cheater. Relationships as I've said before are complicated and people are human. The difference here lies in the pattern.

Think of it a bit like hearing a song on repeat. A single note might not mean anything but when you start hearing the same melody play over and over again you begin to recognise it as a track. Not just a random noise.

Serial cheating is the same. It's not defined by one betrayal but by the repeated rhythm of secrecy, avoidance and crossing boundaries. And that's why it's so destabilising for the betrayed partner.

Because the moment you recognise this isn't just an isolated incident you're not just questioning what happened, you're questioning the entire track that's been playing beneath your relationship. Often without you even knowing it. So let's talk about the moment you discovered that your partner hasn't just cheated once but there has been a pattern.

For many betrayed partners this is where the ground doesn't just shake, it crumbles, it falls away. A single betrayal is painful enough but the discovery of multiple betrayals can feel like your whole history has been rewritten. It's not just they lied to me about this one thing, it's was any of it real? Have I been living a story that I didn't even know I was part of? If this is you the first thing I want to say is take a breath.

I know that sounds impossible when your world feels upside down but clarity rarely comes in the heat of shock. Give yourself permission to just pause. You don't need to decide the entire future of your relationship today, tomorrow or even next week.

So here are a few principles that might help you navigate those first days and weeks. Separate the facts from fears. Serial cheating thrives in secrecy and secrecy leaves space for your mind to fill in the may catch yourself spiralling with questions.

How many others were there? Was it every time they travelled? Was I ever enough? Write down what you know for certain and what is speculation. This doesn't erase the pain but it creates clarity in a moment where your brain is desperately trying to make sense of chaos. Observe patterns not promises.

A serial cheater may apologise with deep remorse or they may try to downplay and minimise. Either way what you're looking for isn't words, it's behaviour. Transparency, accountability, consistency.

Do they lean into discomfort or do they retreat back into secrecy? So for example if they say I'll never do it again but then resist therapy, avoid tough conversations or become defensive when you need reassurance, that's not change, that's self-preservation. The next step is to resist the urge to self-blame. One of the cruellest side effects of repeated betrayal is the voice in your head that whispers it must be me.

If I were different, more attractive, more fun, less demanding, this wouldn't have happened. Let me be very clear here, their repeated choices are not evidence of your inadequacy, they are evidence of their unresolved patterns. Pull stop.

Then claim your own support, whether that's through therapy, coaching, trusted friends, support group, you need somewhere that's about you. Somewhere you can cry, rage, ask questions and find grounding. When you're with a serial cheater it's not just the relationship you're from, it's the repeated ruptures to your sense of safety and reality.

Then give yourself permission to set boundaries. Boundaries remember are not ultimatums, they're the standards that set for how you will be treated and when betrayal becomes a pattern those standards matter more than ever. I recommend revisiting episodes number 13 and number 144 to really drill home the benefits of boundaries and how to set them.

I often compare this stage to walking into a room where the lights have just gone out. At first it's pitch black, you stumble, you panic, your body tenses but gradually your eyes start to adjust. You begin to notice shapes, outlines, a way forward.

The light doesn't come back instantly but your ability to navigate does. If you've just discovered serial cheating you're in that dark room. Don't rush to sprint your way out, let your eyes adjust, let yourself stabilise.

Then when you're ready you can begin to decide what you want your next steps to be. Now if you're listening to this and realising that you've been the one repeating the betrayals, this part's for you. You may feel ashamed, you may feel stuck in a cycle that you can't break, you may even tell yourself this is just who I am but that's not the full story.

Serial cheating often comes from unaddressed wounds, fear of intimacy, fear of rejection or an addiction to the dopamine hit of novelty. Change is absolutely possible but it requires radical honesty, firstly with yourself but of course also with others going forward. A willingness to face the pain that you've been avoiding.

This means vulnerability, being vulnerable and also to offer consistent accountability. Therapy, coaching, support groups, in this instance they're not just optional extras, they're essential if you want to stop repeating the pattern. If you've come this far through life and this pattern is so well ingrained in who you are, doing it alone, I obviously can't sit here and say it's impossible but the likelihood is very, very low.

Seek the guidance that will help you move through this and the fact that you're already listening to this suggests that you're already on that journey. All is not lost. Now, it's important to say that understanding the psychology behind serial cheating doesn't excuse it.

Repeated betrayal causes immense danger, as does isolated betrayal by the way. The betrayed partner is left questioning not just the relationship but their entire sense of self and at the same time demonising serial cheaters as incurable or monsters helps nobody. Some do change, others don't.

The key is can they take full ownership? Are they willing to do the uncomfortable work consistently over time and do you as the betrayed partner even want to stay and see if that change unfolds? So, back to our central question. Can serial cheaters ever really change? The honest answer is yes but not always. Change is possible but only if the cheater is deeply committed to self-examination, healing and rebuilding trust brick by brick and even then it's up to the betrayed partner whether that's enough.

If you're listening today and wondering what this means for you, I want to leave you with one question. What matters more to me right now? Proving whether they can change or deciding what I need to feel safe and whole because at the end of the day the most important step is not whether they stop cheating but whether you stop betraying yourself by ignoring your own needs and boundaries. Thank you ever so much again for listening to this episode of the After The Affair podcast.

If this has resonated with you I'd love to hear your thoughts. Has serial cheating been part of your story? Do you believe people can change? Reach out to me on Instagram, you can join me over there at mylifecoachluke or email me directly at luke at lifecoachluke.com and remember your healing is not defined by their behaviour, it's defined by how you choose to show up for yourself today and every day forward. I'll speak to you all next week.

Take care.