148. He Chose You… in Secret: What It Really Means When a Married Man Pursues You

When a married man shows you attention, it can feel powerful, like you're finally being seen, chosen, and cherished. But beneath that spark, there's often a quieter truth: you’re being pulled into a story that was never fully yours. It’s flattering, even intoxicating, to be “the one” who makes him feel alive again… but at what cost?

In this episode, I speak directly to the woman who’s fallen for an unfaithful married man still tied to another life, and to the man who’s offering just enough of himself to keep hope alive. We explore the emotional dynamics beneath these relationships, the danger of mistaking pursuit for commitment, and why being chosen in secret isn’t the same as being truly claimed.

If something about your situation feels “off,” this is your invitation to pause and reflect before you betray yourself.

Key Takeaways:

• Being pursued doesn’t mean being chosen, and being chosen in secret is not the same as being claimed.

• If he’s escaping, not confronting, he’s not choosing love; he’s choosing relief.

• Emotional outsourcing is not connection; it’s asking you to carry what isn’t yours.

• Real love begins with integrity, not chemistry; it lives in the light, not in hiding.

• You deserve more than a role in someone else’s escape plan; you deserve to be fully seen, chosen, and honoured.

💬 Reflection Question:

Have you ever questioned whether someone was really choosing you or simply using you to avoid their reality?

Connect with Luke:

• Website: www.lifecoachluke.com

• Instagram: @mylifecoachluke

• Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Episode Transcript:

Hello and welcome to the After the Affair podcast. I'm your host Luke Shillings and today you're listening to episode number 148. I'm talking to two very specific types of people today.

One is the woman who has fallen for a man who is married and the other is that man because when someone steps outside of their relationship to pursue another it's easy to romanticise it, to believe that you're the exception, that your connection is so powerful it made him cross a line. The After the Affair podcast with me Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Together we'll explore what's required to rebuild trust not only in yourself but also with others.

Whether you stay or leave I can help and no matter what your story there will be something here for you. Let's go. Okay ladies, when a man who's already in a relationship starts giving you attention, real, focused, emotionally charged attention, it can feel electric.

There's a spark, a curiosity, a part of you that leans in and quietly asks why me? And if you've ever been through this you'll know the sensation I'm talking about. It doesn't necessarily start with drama or intensity, sometimes it's just a shared look, a deep conversation, a moment where you feel truly seen and suddenly something shifts inside you. You feel chosen, desired, picked out from the crowd as someone who offers what he doesn't have.

And without realising it you start building a story around that moment, a story that sounds like he's not happy at home but with me he's different. We just connect. There's something deeper here.

He says I bring him back to life. Now I want to say this with the deepest compassion that I can. It makes complete sense that it would feel flattering.

We're human after all. We all want to feel special, to be the reason someone chooses to change, to believe that we're not just the other person but the person. The problem is this is where the illusion begins because when someone who is still tethered to another life starts pulling you into theirs we have to be willing to ask the harder question.

Is he really choosing me or is he just using me to avoid choosing his own life? That's not an accusation. It's not even necessarily about him being malicious or manipulative. It's about emotional function.

When someone is emotionally dissatisfied, disconnected or stuck they don't always seek help. They often seek relief and sometimes you can become that relief. Not because of who you are at your core but because of what you represent in contrast to what they're running from.

You're the oxygen where it feels suffocated. You're the novelty in his world of routine. You're the connection in a life where he's emotionally disconnected and that's not a reflection of your worth.

It's a reflection of his avoidance. So yes maybe it feels like he's choosing you but if he's still living inside a life he says he doesn't want then he's not really choosing anything at all. He's escaping and that's a very different story.

But the truth is it's usually not about you. It's about what you represent. You're not being chosen because of your character, your soul or your essence.

You're being chosen for the function that you serve in his life at that moment. Maybe it's comfort. Maybe it's passion.

Maybe it's an escape hatch from a life he doesn't have the courage to confront. But it's rarely about you as a whole human being. It's about the version of himself he feels when he's with you.

That version is free, desired, energised, brave. All the things he doesn't feel in his real life. So what's he really falling for? The contrast or the connection? I recognise that whoever you are this is uncomfortable to listen to.

In part because it feels like your experience is being invalidated and it's quite probable that if you do resonate with anything that I've already said there's going to be resistance and frustration, maybe even anger. And I understand that. Maybe that's underlayer underlayered with sadness and concern and uncertainty.

Maybe this guy on the podcast doesn't know what the hell he's talking about. Maybe he's fallen into the trap of what society think about betrayal. Or maybe, maybe he's noticed something that I'd already noticed but was too afraid to admit or too afraid to take responsibility for.

But being pursued isn't the same as being chosen. And being chosen isn't the same as being claimed. In the beginning, especially in a situation where a man is still in a committed relationship, it's easy to confuse pursuit with devotion.

Perhaps he texts you first. He tells you things he can't say to anybody else. He opens up about his frustrations, his sadness, his lost sense of self.

And in that space it feels like he's trusting you, turning to you, choosing you. But what else is going on? Especially if he's going home to someone else. If he's still lying to maintain his current relationship.

If he's still hoping someone else will end things for him so that he doesn't have to. Then what you're receiving isn't commitment, it's displacement. He's not inviting you fully into his life.

He's building a parallel world where you become the part he doesn't know how to be for himself. You might be the only space where he feels alive. But that doesn't mean he's choosing you.

It means he's avoiding the parts of his life that require accountability, discomfort, honesty. And that's where the illusion becomes most dangerous. Because we live in a world that romanticises this idea.

He left everything for her. But what rarely gets said is this. If he hasn't done the work to face his dissatisfaction head on, if he hasn't told the truth in his current relationship, if he hasn't created the space for something new with courage and clarity, then he's not choosing you.

He's choosing escape. And I think the hardest part of this is that when someone chooses you from a place of avoidance, they don't bring their whole self. They bring their emptiness.

They bring their confusion. They bring their unprocessed shame and ask you to carry it for them. That's not love.

That's emotional outsourcing. Because real love, healthy love, doesn't hide in the dark and ask you to wait there with it. It lives in the light.

So before you get swept up in the fantasy of being chosen, maybe you should pause and ask, am I being fully welcomed into his life? Or am I being used as a hiding place? You're not the exception to the pattern. Let's take a deep breath together, because I know this part can feel very heavy, but it's also freeing. It's easy to believe that you're different.

That what you two have is special. That you're the exception. The person who finally pulled something real out of him.

And maybe that connection does feel real. Maybe the chemistry is powerful. Maybe you do see parts of him that others don't.

But none of that changes this. It doesn't change the fact that if he's portraying someone else to be with you, if he's lying, hiding, manipulating the truth, then you're not witnessing a one-off behaviour. You're witnessing a pattern.

Because betrayal isn't a spontaneous act. It's a strategy, a way of coping with internal tension. And the way someone navigates that tension really does matter.

Ask yourself, how does he handle dissatisfaction? Does he have the hard conversations or avoid them? Does he face reality or rewrite them? Does he cleanly end one chapter before starting another? Or is there always overlap and edit as it goes? Because if his solution to discontent is secrecy, if his way of managing emotional discomfort is dishonesty, then you are watching his operating system in action. It's like a try before you buy. This is not about judging him as a person.

This is about recognising how he functions under pressure. And I think the sobering truth in this is if betrayal is part of his coping strategy now, then why would it vanish just because the relationship changes? People don't magically evolve because they fall in love. They evolve when they're willing to face themselves, to do the inner work, to take responsibility for their mess.

And if that's not happening now, if he's still outsourcing his growth to you, to novelty, to emotional adrenaline, then that pattern will follow you into any future you try to build together. Because how someone exits a relationship isn't just history. It's a preview.

And if he hasn't exited with integrity, clarity and ownership, he hasn't earned a clean start. So no matter how intensely pursued or emotionally connected you feel, don't confuse being wanted with being safe. You are not the exception to his behaviour.

You're simply the next person within range of it. And you deserve more than to become another stop on the cycle that never ends. You were not made to carry what isn't yours.

Let's bring this all the way back to you, because this isn't just about him. It's about the role that you're being pulled into. If you're being chosen in secret, if your attention only arrives late at night, between obligations or behind closed doors, if you feel like you're orbiting his life rather than being included in it, then you need to pause.

Are you his destination? Or just a detour? Because here's what often gets overlooked. You may not just be with somebody in crisis. You may be carrying that crisis for them.

You become the temporary relief from the tension that they won't address. The fantasy that distracts them from the discomfort they refuse to face. The person they lean on so they don't have to lean into their own accountability.

And it can feel powerful at first, to be needed, wanted, even pursued. But over time, it stops feeling like connection and starts feeling like emotional labour. Because you're not just showing up for the intimacy or companionship.

You're showing up as a substitute therapist, a secret keeper, a mirror, a soft place to land. And over time, that becomes exhausting. It's not love.

It's emotional donkey work. And it's not your job. It's not your job to help him escape from his own decisions.

It's not your job to carry the emotional burden of a man who won't confront his reality. It's not your job to be the safe place for someone who's left destruction in their wake and still hasn't stopped to clean it up. Because what matters most here is that you were not made to carry somebody else's pain while they avoid doing the work.

You were not made to wait patiently while someone drags their feet through their own indecision. You were not made to live in the shadows, hoping that one day they'll bring you into the light. You were made to be loved fully, openly and without condition.

And if someone can't offer that to you, if they can't make space in their life rather than just borrow space from yours, then this isn't a relationship. It's a retreat from their reality. And you're allowed to say no to that role.

You're allowed to put down what was never yours to carry in the first place. And you know that unease that you're feeling? Well that unease is the message. Because here's what's happened.

Over time, and maybe it's already happening, you start questioning yourself. Not just the situation, yourself. You start wondering, can I ever really trust him? Would he do this to me someday? Is this real or am I just caught in his confusion? And here's the deeper truth.

Even when things do feel good, even when the chemistry is there and the conversations are intense, something still feels off. That subtle tightness in your chest, that pause before you ask a question, the quiet little voice that says, this isn't solid, it's not safe. And the more you ignore it, the louder it gets.

You start feeling like the exception, like you're special, but still on the outside. You're chosen, but only in whispers. You're important, but only when it's convenient.

You're loved, but only on terms that protect him. And that gnawing unease, that's not insecurity. It's not neediness.

It's intuition. Trying to wake you up before you betray yourself. Because your gut already knows what your heart is still catching up to.

What begins in secrecy rarely ends in security. When a relationship starts on unstable ground, it rarely builds into a safe, honest love that you crave. No matter how much he promises you, no matter how deeply you connect, no matter how much potential you see, there will always be a part of you wondering, if he couldn't be honest with her, will he ever be fully honest with me? And that's not paranoia, that's lived wisdom, and it deserves to be trusted.

So if you do feel uneasy, if something doesn't sit quite right, if the dynamic requires you to question your own clarity just to keep the connection going, pause. Because real love doesn't ask you to doubt yourself just to stay. It invites you to trust yourself more deeply, and walk away when something doesn't align.

So let's get really clear now. If he says he wants to be with you, but he's still with her, that's not love. That's indecision.

And indecision is a decision. A decision to keep you, not to choose you. A man who's ready to build something real will act in alignment with that desire.

He won't keep you in emotional limbo while preserving his own comfort zone. He'll do the hard, honest, uncomfortable thing. Because real love requires integrity, not just chemistry, not just connection.

Choice. Repeated, consistent, conscious choice. If you're currently in a situation like this, I want you to know you deserve more than a man who finds you convenient.

You deserve to be claimed in the light, not kept in the dark. You deserve someone who builds a life with you, not around you. Someone who walks away from what no longer serves them before asking you to step in.

So before you take his words to heart, look at his behaviour. Before you believe the flattery, ask whether he's willing to act on the feelings he claims to have. Because love without integrity isn't love.

It's fantasy. It's avoidance. It's fear.

And you, my friend, are worth more than that. I know this episode has been difficult to listen to. And of course, if it has resonated with you and you're still here, then there's probably a reason for that.

It's because there's something inside that doesn't feel right. Or maybe you're reflecting on a situation, you're stuck, or you feel stuck, and you can't move and you're looking for answers. I mean, ultimately, that's why we're all here.

We're trying to figure out the next step, what that looks like for us. And even though all of our situations are different, we're trying to feel a little bit less alone in the moment. And it's easy to apply these automatic stereotypes to what betrayal means, and what is right or wrong.

And of course, the example I've been talking about today is very specific. It does not apply in all cases. And I think that's important to note.

But there's a message. Make sure you are finding your worth from within, not from outside. Okay, I'll talk to you all next week.

Take care.