142. Disgust, Shame, and Survival: The Psychology Behind Post-Affair Revulsion

Disgust isn’t just a passing reaction. For many betrayed partners, it’s a visceral, body-based response that no amount of logic or reassurance can dissolve.

In this episode, I unpack one of the most misunderstood trauma responses after infidelity: disgust. Why it shows up. What it’s really saying. And how to respond to it without shame.

This is for anyone who’s ever recoiled at the sight or touch of the person they used to love, and then judged themselves for it.

Key Takeaways:

• Disgust is a protective trauma response, not a moral failing.

• It often stems from your nervous system flagging something as unsafe, not from conscious thought.

• Shame often follows disgust, creating an inner loop of silence, self-blame, and confusion.

• Healing starts by validating your body’s response, not forcing it to move faster than it’s ready.

• Safety, not guilt, is the antidote to disgust

If this episode resonated with you, join the Chaos to Clarity group coaching program, a supportive space where your healing isn’t rushed, your voice is heard, and your nervous system is finally allowed to feel safe again.

💬 Reflection Question:

What is my body trying to protect me from when I feel that wave of disgust, and how can I honour that message with compassion rather than shame?

Connect with Luke:

• Website: www.lifecoachluke.com

• Instagram: @mylifecoachluke

• Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Episode Transcript:

The After The Affair podcast with me, Luke Shillings, is here to help you process, decide, and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Together we'll explore what's required to rebuild trust not only in yourself. But also with others, whether you stay or leave, I can help. And no matter what your story, there will be something here for you.

Let's go.

Hello and welcome back. You're listening to the After the Affair podcast. I'm your host, Luke Shillings, and this is episode number 142. Some feelings after betrayal are pretty easy to talk about. Anger, for example, that's often at the surface. Sadness. That makes sense. It's rational, even fear, but there's one emotion that often hides in the shadows, one that often feels too intense, almost too ugly, like it's too hard to admit out loud, and that emotion is disgust.

Not just frustration, not just disappointment, but I'm talking about a, a visceral gut, deep repulsion towards your partner, toward the affair partner, and sometimes even towards yourself. It can show up in the smallest of moments, a smell, a glance, a memory, and suddenly it is like your body is screaming to get away, even if your brain is trying to stay calm.

Disgust is not just an emotion; it's a protective response. And if you felt it, this episode is probably for you because you're not broken, you're not being overdramatic, and you are definitely not alone. So let's talk about what this really is and what you can do about it. Disgust is one of our most ancient emotional responses.

It evolved to keep us alive, warning us away from spoiled food, bodily harm, and anything that might contaminate or infect us in some way. It's not just emotional, it's biological a full body. No, that says this isn't safe, but here's what most people don't realise. Discussed isn't only reserved for physical threats; it shows up in the emotional realm too, especially when betrayal strikes at the core of your intimate life.

After infidelity, the body doesn't just interpret what happened as a break in trust. It experiences it as a form of contamination. Something has entered this sacred space of your relationship, your home, your bed, your body, and it was not invited. It wasn't consented to, and now your nervous system is at high alert.

Suddenly, things that once felt comforting now feel repulsive. The hand you used to reach for feels foreign. The voice that once soothes you now tightens your stomach. You might even recoil at a glance, a scent, a memory, and not understand why. And that's because disgust doesn't wait for your mind to catch up.

It bypasses logic completely. It's a body-based boundary, a built-in system saying, get back, protect yourself. Something isn't right. And that response isn't something you consciously create. It's not a punishment, it's not bitterness. It's your body trying to reestablish a sense of control in a world that suddenly feels contaminated and out of bounds.

So if you felt that recoil, that visceral reaction, and then shamed yourself for it. I want you to hear this. You didn't choose this feeling, but you can choose how to relate to it now, not by silencing it, but by listening, letting it guide you, not define you, and ultimately helping you find safety again, not just in your relationship, but in your own skin.

Here's the part no one really prepares you for. You can't think your way outta disgust. You can journal until the ink run's dry. You can understand every psychological theory of betrayal. You can sit through therapy, acknowledge your partner's remorse, even grasp the reasons why it happened, and still feel physically sick when they touch your arm.

Why? Because disgust doesn't live in your thoughts. It's not stored in logic. It's stored in your body, in the memory of your senses, in the tightening of your throat, the clenching of your stomach, the way your muscles tense before your brain even registers a threat. This is not about personal failure.

This is about neurobiology. Your body has encoded the betrayal, not as an idea, but as a danger, and disgust is the body's red alert system. It doesn't whisper. I'm not sure about this, it shouts. This is wrong. This is unsafe. Get away. And this is why so many portrayed partners feel confused or ashamed when they recoil from intimacy or can't sit beside the person who hurt them without wanting to move away.

They wonder, why does my skin crawl even when I want to forgive? They think, am I overreacting? Am I broken? No, you are not overreacting. You're not broken. You have a trauma response, and one that's completely valid, one that makes sense. One that can't be soothed by logic alone because this isn't about making sense in your mind. This is the psychology behind cheating.

It's about restoring safety in your body. That begins by naming it, not to justify it, not to fix it, but to honour it, to say, this is happening. I'm not crazy. My body is just trying to protect me. That's the first step towards healing. Not to force the disgusted way, but to let it know it's being heard.

Here's where it gets especially tender. Because after they're discussed, often comes the shame. You start asking yourself, why can't I get over this? Why do I feel sick? Just looking at them? Does this mean I'm unforgiving, broken, incapable of healing. So you hide it, you push it down, you pretend you're fine.

So you show up normally in conversations, in the kitchen, in bed, hoping maybe if you act like it's gone. It'll finally be gone. You try to force your way through the discomfort, rushing, physical closeness, downplaying your reactions, brushing off that wave of repulsion, like it's just a passing mood. But the thing is, when you force yourself through disgust, without working on it first, without understanding it, without making space for it, without helping your body feel safe again, what you end up reinforcing isn't healing.

It's shame. And now you're not just dealing with the betrayal, you're dealing, you're dealing with a whole new layer of self-judgment, a belief that something must be wrong for you to still feel this way. But lemme say this as clearly as I can. There is nothing wrong with you. This is a common response to infidelity.

You're not weak, you're not failing, and you're not alone. You're experiencing a completely natural trauma response to something that shattered your sense of emotional and physical safety. And if more people knew that, or perhaps they'd stopped trying to fight their way through it with pressure and performance and start meeting themselves with the one thing that they can actually move the needle safety.

Because that's what your body's waiting for. Not perfect answers, not a timeline, not forced closeness. Just a sense that it's okay to exhale to breathe. So what does it take to build that kind of safety, especially when your nervous system feels anything but safe. Let's talk about it. So what do you do when you feel disgusted by somebody that you love?

It's not a checklist your partner can complete. It's not a quick fix or a script or even a heartfelt apology. Safety in this context is about listening to your body. First, it's about giving yourself full permission to slow down, because rebuilding safety doesn't begin with closeness. It begins with consent, with checking in, not just intellectually, but physiologically.

Does my body feel tense when they walk into the room? Do I flinch when they reach for my hand? Am I holding my breath just to get through this moment? These are not just signs of discomfort. They're signs that can guide you. And when you treat those reactions as valid rather than problems to fix, you begin the process of reestablishing that inner trust with yourself.

Because healing from disgust isn't about pushing through resistance. It's about learning to trust the voice inside you. Again, the one that says, I don't feel safe yet, and knowing that's a wise voice, not a broken one. And here's the beautiful part. Once that voice has been heard, genuinely heard, without shame or urgency, it often softens.

It doesn't disappear overnight, but it starts to move from alarm to awareness, from rejection to curiosity, from shut down to choice. And in that space you can begin to ask questions like, what would help me feel safer right now? What boundaries do I need to honour today? What kind of support helps my nervous system feel less alone?

'cause the goal here isn't to erase disgust. It's to meet it with enough understanding, enough compassion and clarity that it no longer needs to scream to be acknowledged. So if you are feeling disgusted, you're not broken, you're not too sensitive, you're not unforgiving, you are responding to an emotional violation that your body interpreted as danger, and that doesn't mean you can't heal.

It means your healing needs to start with safety, not speed with curiosity. Not condemnation with small, intentional acts of listening to yourself even when it's uncomfortable. You don't need to rush towards reconnection. You don't need to force intimacy. You don't need to pretend your body is ready for something.

It's still unsure about. What you need is space to feel what you feel to honour what your body is telling you. To move at your pace, not anybody else's timeline. And if your partner truly wants to rebuild trust, they'll understand that they'll respect it because real repair isn't about getting things back to normal.

It's about building something that's safer, stronger, and more honest than what came before. And that starts with you. So take a breath check in. What do you need right now? Even if the answer is small, like a walk, a cry, a break from pretending that matters, let that be your next step. 'cause when you follow safety step by step, you're not avoiding healing, you're embodying it.

If this episode spoke to something that you've been carrying silently, you're not alone. Discussed after portrayal isn't a flaw. It's a signal, and you don't have to decode it by yourself. If you're ready to stop, second guessing your reactions and start rebuilding from a place of clarity and self-trust.

I'd love to help you. My Chaos to Clarity group coaching program is a space where your healing is allowed to be messy, slow, and deeply personal without shame. Because healing isn't about pushing past what you feel. It's about finding, listening to it. You don't have to do this alone and you don't have to pretend you are okay to start healing.

Visit lifecoachluke.com to learn more, and I'll speak to your. Very soon take.