14. Put it to Work

Betrayal turns your world upside down, and when you're in survival mode, it's easy to binge content hoping for a breakthrough. But information without action rarely leads to transformation. If you've been listening along, nodding in agreement but still feeling stuck, this episode is your invitation to stop just consuming and start applying.

In this special end-of-year reflection, I guide you back through the most powerful lessons from the first 13 episodes of After the Affair. Whether you need clarity on setting boundaries, rebuilding trust, letting go of painful stories, or simply understanding your emotions better, this episode will help you choose one insight and put it to work.

Key Takeaways:

• Revisit your most resonant episode and apply one core lesson to your healing journey.

• Discover why transformation only happens when we stop passively consuming and start acting.

• Learn how relationship clarity starts with shifting the stories you tell yourself.

• Realise how emotional detachment or resentment often signals where action is needed.

• Reflect on how choosing yourself isn’t selfish, but the foundation for authentic connection.

💬 Reflection question:

Which episode spoke to you the most this year, and what’s one way you’ll apply its message today?

Connect with Luke:

• Website: www.lifecoachluke.com

• Instagram: @mylifecoachluke

• Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Episode Transcript:

The After The Affair podcast with me Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Together we'll explore what's required to rebuild trust not only in yourself but also with others. Whether you stay or leave I can help and no matter what your story there will be something here for you.

Let's go! Hello and welcome to episode number 14 of the After The Affair podcast with myself Luke Shillings. Just a few days until Christmas as this episode airs. I can't believe how quickly this year has gone but then I probably say that every single year so if there's one bit of advice I can provide, make the most of every moment you have because it's not something you can get back.

We've already covered a lot in these first 13 episodes. I'm a podcast listener myself and I often consume all kinds of content and it's very easy to consume these things. It's another thing to put what we've learned into practise.

So what I ask you to do today is to go back and pick an episode that really resonated with you and listen to it again and then see if you can put those things into context and actually put them into use before the end of 2022. So to help you with that I'm going to offer a quick reminder of what's been covered in the previous episode so far. So episode 1, relationships.

Relationships are the thoughts that we have about the other person. That's all they are. They're thoughts.

I used an example in the first episode referring to a relationship being like a third entity. That's what I imagined it to be when I was younger and then I really realised that that just wasn't the case and really the relationships I was having, not just with my partner but with my friends and colleagues and in fact everyone I knew and even myself, were just the thoughts that I was having about it. And once I realised that I could take full responsibility for it and I could really begin to take ownership of how I showed up, I really started to take that ownership of how I wanted to be, who I wanted to be and what that really looked like for me.

In the next episode we looked at how to let go of old stories. Whether you choose to stay or leave after infidelity we all carry around the stories of what our previous relationships were like. Whether that be how we were treated, it could be how great things were or how maybe they're not so great anymore.

Or maybe if you've separated from your partner you might be having thoughts like, I'm glad it's over, I've just wasted all this time and you've repeatedly told yourself that when actually there were plenty of good things that happened in your relationship and scarring those good memories with bad memories just in a hope to make yourself feel better or into some way justify the pain that you've been through recently, honestly it might feel good right now but it won't have any long-term benefit. In episode three we talked about misinterpreting others. This is so easy especially when you think about the way we communicate.

I have a thought which is sent from my brain to my voice box and then words come out of my mouth. There's always going to be some slight disconnect between the thought that I have and the words that come out, let alone the variance in tone of voice or the tempo or even my word choice. Then there's going to be you at the other end, you're going to be listening through your headphones or speakers and you're going to be hearing the words that I'm saying right now and then your brain is going to be interpreting them.

So there's at least two if not more parts of potential misinterpretation that happens between my thoughts and your thoughts. Now just imagine how this might show up even with the people that you think you know better than anybody, your loved ones and what that really means in those situations. Is it possible that maybe you're just misinterpreting what they're saying and what they're thinking and maybe they're misinterpreting what you're saying and what you're thinking? How could both of you work together to really improve the quality of your communication? Episode four we looked at the difference between truth and facts.

Now each and every one of us has our own truth. It's our set of beliefs about any given circumstance or situation that we've witnessed, experienced or even imagined. But that's all it is, it's just our truth.

That's not the same as saying that it is a fact because two people could look at the exact same situation and interpret them in a different way. Facts on the other hand are something that everybody can look at and all agree on. We can look at episode five to see how the betrayed partner reacts to a challenging situation after they've chosen to stay and are trying to rebuild that connection with their partner.

But everything that they say or do just ignites a fuse and then things quickly get out of control and they aren't able to really make forward progress. You see it's about stepping back and taking some ownership. Even though you weren't responsible for the infidelity itself, if you really want your relationship to rebuild then part of rebuilding does involve you.

In episode six we explored the journey that we sometimes expect to take during the healing of our relationships. There's sometimes this expectation, one that has come from stories, whether it's been in books or on TV or learned from our parents or friends or society. Sometimes it doesn't always look the way that you would imagine.

There's often thoughts that lead to unexpected feelings and sometimes those feelings can even lead to guilt. Which is surprising given that guilt is probably the last emotion you'd expect to experience as the betrayed spouse. If you want to learn about feelings then episode 7 is the one for you.

Don't mention the f-word. Remember everything that we do is because of how we think it's going to make us feel and that is positive or negative. Feelings are the fuel, they are the power that drive all of our actions.

So really getting good at knowing your feelings, really getting in touch with your emotions is a superpower. In episode 9 we talk about rebuilding trust. This is clearly an essential part of rebuilding any relationship and particularly one after infidelity.

I talk about this concept of the two pots. One pot where we put all of our thoughts and beliefs that we have about our partner not being trustworthy versus the other pot that we have which is where we put all the thoughts and beliefs about how our partners are trustworthy. The problem is we tend to focus really easily on finding evidence to support the negative pot rather than the positive one.

So that's something really worth paying attention to and we learn a lot in that episode. Jumping to episode 11 I talked about rose-tinted glasses. What I was really focussing on is how we all look at life through a different filter.

We all have our own unique filter of how we look at our lives and just remember that we can take these lenses or these filters off at any time, even just for a moment, to alter our perspective and we can try on another filter just to see what it looks like. Maybe it's a good fit, maybe it's not. You don't have to commit to it, just explore how things might look differently from a different perspective.

In episode 12 it was all about the rulebook. This is that list of rules that we sometimes have for the other people in our lives about how they should behave. It's great to have expectations of the people we care and trust because it means that they can be reliable and this also links very closely with the trust element that we spoke about just previously but it becomes a problem when that list of expectations that we have aren't adhered to and then we get upset about it.

We become angry or annoyed because somebody hasn't complied with the rules that we set. Now this isn't useful because it's basically handing the control to the other person. So if you want to learn more, episode 12 is the place to be.

And then that brings us up to last week. We spoke a bit more about boundaries and how boundaries are ultimately for you and how they protect you and they always come from a place of love and never about manipulating or harming or controlling or threatening the other person. They're always a great way to build stronger more sustainable relationships.

Anyway there you have it, your Christmas countdown. Now pick one to listen to, reinforce what made it resonate the first time round and then put it to good use. I'm sending you all my love and wishes for you and your families for this festive period and I'll speak to you next week.