132. I’ve Been Cheated On and Everyone Is Judging Me... I Think

After betrayal, many people feel like they’re walking around under a spotlight, like everyone is watching, whispering, judging. But here’s the truth: it’s not always their judgement that holds you back, it’s your perception of it.

In this episode, I unpack how imagined judgement can shape your behaviour, limit your authenticity, and keep you stuck in cycles of shame and silence. More importantly, I reveal how to reclaim your voice and your freedom by learning to question the real critic, the one inside.

Whether you’re the betrayed or the unfaithful partner, or just someone carrying shame and fear about what others think… this episode will help you reconnect with the only opinion that truly matters: your own.

Key Takeaways:

• The psychology behind the “spotlight effect” and projection bias.

• Why our own inner critic often speaks louder than real external judgment.

• How shame leads to self-abandonment in relationships and beyond.

• Luke’s personal experience with masking vulnerability in his relationship.

• Practical tools to reframe the stories you tell yourself and show up more authentically.

💬 Reflection Question:

If no one else’s opinion mattered… how would you show up differently?

Connect with Luke:

• Website: www.lifecoachluke.com

• Instagram: @mylifecoachluke

• Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Episode transcript: The After The Affair podcast with me, Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide, and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Together we'll explore what's required to rebuild trust not only in yourself. But also with others. Whether you stay or leave, I can help. And no matter what your story, there will be something here for you.

Let's go.

Hey, welcome back. It's the After the Affair podcast. I'm your host, Luke Shillings and to today you are listening to episode number 100. 32. It's a fear, I think most of us carry, at least to some point, but it's often one that we don't challenge. It's that fear of being judged. Whether you've been cheated on, made a difficult choice, or perhaps you've just started showing up differently in your own life, there's often this lingering thought in the back of your mind.

What will people think of me? And I can assure you I've been there. I used to believe that everybody around me was judging me, criticising whether I was doing things right or wrong. Particularly after I'd been through betrayal, people thinking that I should have left, shouldn't have stood for that, shouldn't have even considered it.

I should have gone round and beaten up the affair partner or keyed his car. Other people thought I should stay for the kids and stay for the logistics and the ease. You can work it through. Everything can be worked through. Doesn't matter what she's saying, and some people thought the idea of ever going back or even wanting to stay was ludicrous.

It seemed to not really matter what it was that I thought there was some perceived judgment about what I was thinking as being wrong, and it didn't matter which side of the fence I was fighting for. That belief, it changed things. It changed how I spoke. It changed how I parented, how I allowed myself to heal or not.

I became a people pleaser. Maybe I already was one, but now I was one in denial. And over time I realised the truth. It wasn't their judgment that was shaping me, it was my own perception of it. So today I want to explore what happens when you stop managing what others might be thinking, and instead start reclaiming your life from your own imagined fears.

I've spoken before about the idea of the spotlight effect. It's this deeply human tendency to overestimate how much other people notice and judge us. We assume we're under a metaphorical spotlight, that people are paying close attention to what we say, what we wear, how we look, how we act. We think.

They'll notice if I'm off today or everyone can see I'm struggling, or perhaps it's, they definitely heard what happened between us, but the reality most people are so consumed with their own worries, their own insecurities, and their own inner monologues that they barely notice the things that we obsess over.

We are the centre of our own worlds, but we're not the centre of theirs. And while that can feel somewhat humbling, it can also be liberating. Now, let's be honest. When you've gone through something like infidelity, especially if people in your circle know about it, the spotlight effect goes into overdrive.

It doesn't just feel like the light is shining on you. It feels like there's a magnifying glass hovering over your every single move. You might walk into a room and feel like the eyes are all on you, even if no one even looks. Perhaps you hear somebody laugh or whisper and automatically assume it's about you.

You read disinterest or distraction on someone's face and interpret it as a judgment or even a rejection. Even silence can feel like an accusation, but here's what's really going on. What you are feeling isn't necessarily a reflection of what others think. It's a reflection of how you feel about yourself.

When betrayal shakes your identity, it also shakes your sense of worth. And in that state of vulnerability, it's easy to project that internal discomfort outward. You start to assume that others see you through the same critical lens that you are using on yourself. And trust me, you are your own worst enemy in these situations.

This is sometimes referred to as projection bias. The idea that we believe others are thinking what we are afraid to admit, we believe about ourselves. If you feel shame, you'll assume others are shaming you. If you feel broken, you'll assume others see you as damaged. If you feel like a failure, you'll perhaps interpret neutral expressions as confirmation.

But the truth is you are often not being judged nearly as much as you think. In fact, in most cases, you're not being judged at all. Realising the spotlight effect is at play doesn't instantly erase the fear of judgment, but it gives you the power to at least question it. It creates space to ask, is this really about them or is this actually coming from me?

And that's the first step towards freedom. Because when you stop, assuming everyone is thinking about you, you can finally focus on what you think about yourself. And when you stop managing their imagined perceptions, you can start living according to your actual values. Judgment may not be the enemy assumed judgment is, and the more you catch yourself in the spotlight effect, the more you can step out of it and into your own truth.

What we often describe as judgment from others is more often than not just our own inner critic disguised as the voice of the crowd. Think about it. When you walk into a room and think people are judging you, most of the time there is no real evidence. No one's said anything. No one's pointing fingers, but your body tightens, your thoughts start to spiral, and suddenly you're bracing yourself for a reaction that hasn't even happened.

Why? Well, because deep down part of you already believes this judgment is valid. If you fear people think you are weak, it's likely because you're struggling to accept your own vulnerability. If you assume others are disappointed in you, you might already be carrying the weight of self-disappointment. If you imagine they're questioning your decisions, you may not yet fully feel grounded in those decisions yourself.

But this is a projection in action where the real voice of criticism isn't coming from them. It's coming from you. And it's powerful because when we project our fears onto others, it creates a loop. We feel insecure. We imagine others are judging. We are just our behaviour. To avoid that imagined judgment, we portray ourselves in the process and the inner critic just gets louder.

But here's the part that stings the most. Most of the ways that we try to avoid judgment actually have nothing to do with what other people think They're about our relationship with ourselves. We change how we speak. We water down our truth. We suppress our pain. We hold back joy. We apologise for taking up space, but all of this just to make sure we don't stand out, just to avoid giving people a reason to criticise us, but here's the real cost.

Every time you silence your truth to protect yourself from judgment, you deepen the disconnect between you, who you are and how you live. And that disconnection is where shame, anxiety, and resentment start to thrive. So what can you do? Well, you can start by recognising when the they in your head is actually just you.

Perhaps you could ask, what am I afraid people are thinking about me? Have they actually said or done anything to make me believe that? Or is it just my own inner dialogue projected outward? This awareness changes everything because once you know the judgment is coming from inside, you can stop fighting for external approval and start nurturing internal peace.

It's not about pretending judgment doesn't exist. People do judge. It's about learning to stop making other people's opinions, even the imagined ones, the measure of your worth, the single most important voice in your life. Is yours, so make sure it's one worth listening to. There was a time in my life where I shaped everything around the belief that I was being watched, weighed, and quietly judged, especially in my relationship.

I didn't always show up as my full, authentic self. Not because I didn't want to, but because I was afraid of how my vulnerability might look to my partner. I imagined that if I opened up too much, if I admitted I didn't have it all together, if I showed doubt or insecurity, she would see it as a weakness, and I knew she didn't find weakness attractive.

She'd even said as much. So instead of risking that perception, I filtered myself. I softened the parts of me that felt tender. I masked the uncertainty. I pushed down emotions that felt too exposed. I shaped myself not based on who I really was, but based on who I thought she'd want me to be. At least to a point.

But here's the problem. I created that narrative. I made assumptions about how she would respond. I filled in the blanks without ever really checking if the story I was telling myself was even true, and I get it saying it out loud. Now it seems almost silly, but in the moment, it felt safer to perform than risk rejection.

It felt safer to protect an image than to let her see behind it. But what I didn't realise at the time was this, even if she had been judging me, even if she had seen my vulnerability as weakness, the bigger problem was that I already had, I wasn't judging her judgment. I was reflecting on my own. I wasn't living from truth.

I was living from damage control, from acceptance, from fear. And that's no way to live, especially in a relationship because the more you dim your truth to be somewhat palatable, the less of you is actually present in the relationship. And what's the point of being in it if you're not really in it? You see, it's not the judgment that keeps us stuck.

It's the way that we abandon ourselves in response to it. We contort ourselves to be liked. We silence ourselves to avoid conflict. We hold back our truth to feel more acceptable. But every time we do that, we drift further from who we are, and that disconnection hurts more than anyone's opinion ever could.

Let's be honest. Sometimes people do judge people gossip, people form opinions, and you might sense that, that someone thinks less of you because of what happened or how you handled it. But here's the question that changes everything. Does their opinion define your value? Now, if your answer is yes, then you are living in reaction to them.

They have all the control. If, however, your answer is no, then you are free. You're free to live in alignment with you. Here's a practice I often give to clients who are stuck in this place, this fear of judgment. So next time you feel like someone's watching or judging you, just pause and ask one, do I have any real evidence that they're judging me, or is this just my fear talking?

Two, what part of me feels most insecure right now? What am I afraid that they'll see? And three, if their opinion didn't matter at all, how would I show up differently? This kind of self-inquiry, it brings you back to your body, to your truth, to your agency, because you don't get your power back by changing their mind.

You get it back by standing in your own, in your mind. There's a quote that is coming to mind. I, I forget who it was that said it, and something like, we would worry far less about what other people thought of us if we actually realised how little they did. Something very similar to that. Forgive me if I've, if I've jumbled that up a little bit.

Most people aren't judging you. They're thinking about what to eat for dinner. They're worried about their own lives and even if they are judging you, so what? It's not their judgment that defines you, it's your willingness to keep showing up regardless. So just remember that last question. If nobody else's opinion mattered, how would you show up differently?

What would you say? What would you express or how would you, what would you become if you weren't filtering everything through fear? As always, if this episode hit home for you, I'd love to hear your reflections. What's one way fear of judgment has held you back, and what truth are you well, ready to reclaim?

You can message me on Instagram at my life, coach Luke, or you can email me at luke@lifecoachluke.com. And if you're ready to really stop living for imagined approval and start living for your truth, then I offer both one-to-one and group coaching to help you take that step. Go to the website lifecoachluke.com and schedule your free discovery call now to learn more. Thank you as always for spending this time with me. Until next time, remember, your worth was never up for public debate. I'll talk to you all next week. Take care.