130. It’s TIME To Do Something Different After Betrayal

We all say we don’t want to waste time, yet most of us do, especially after infidelity. We get stuck in waiting: waiting for clarity, waiting for healing, waiting for someone else to change. But here’s the truth: time is the only resource you can’t get back.

Imagine if every morning, you were given £1,440 to spend, but by midnight, anything left unused disappeared forever. Would you waste it? Would you ignore it? Would you give it away carelessly?

That’s exactly how time works. You get 1,440 minutes a day, and whatever you don’t use with intention is gone forever.

Key Takeaways:

• The currency of time, how we spend it, waste it, and give it away without realising it.

• Why waiting is an illusion and how it keeps you stuck in post-infidelity limbo.

• How to stop ‘saving’ time for later and start spending it wisely, right now, by doing something different after infidelity.

• The biggest mindset shift to reclaim control over your future.

💬 Reflection Question:

What’s one way you’ve been wasting time that you’re ready to change?

Connect with Luke:

• Website: www.lifecoachluke.com

• Instagram: @mylifecoachluke

• Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Episode Transcript: The After The Affair podcast with me, Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide, and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Together we'll explore what's required to rebuild trust not only in yourself. But also with others. Whether you stay or leave, I can help. And no matter what your story, there will be something here for you.

Let's go.

Hello and welcome back to the After The Affair podcast. I'm your host, Luke Shillings, and today you are listening to episode number 130. Most of us go through life barely giving it a second thought. Or if we do, we usually just think that we haven't got enough of it. It's strange how this thing, this component of life which is present for all of us seems to.

Both dictate how we feel about things that have come before. Creates a space for us to feel anxiety and uncertainty about things that are yet to come, and also kind of only exists in the present moment. That thing is time. Time is the only resource that we can never get back yet we spend so much of it wishing it away, waiting for the weekend, waiting for the next holiday, vacation, or maybe even the next big milestone.

And when infidelity happens, our relationship with time shifts even more. Some of us feel frozen, unable to move forward while others get stuck in the past replaying events over and over again. Either way, we're missing the only time we actually have the present. So today I want to explore time from a different perspective.

Imagine this. Every morning you wake up to find a fresh deposit in your bank account. Let's say it's 1,440 pounds or dollars, that's one pound for every minute in a 24 hour day. Sounds great, right? But there's a catch. Whatever you don't spend by midnight disappears. You can't save it, invest it, or get it back.

Once it's gone, it's gone. Now, if this were real money, how would you treat it? Would you let it just sit there unused while you just stared at it? Would you waste huge chunks of it on things that didn't matter? Would you give it away to people who maybe don't deserve it, or would you spend it intentionally making sure that you got the most value out of every single pound?

That's exactly how time works. Every single day we are given 1,440 minutes, and by the end of the day, whatever we didn't use intentionally or not is gone forever. Imagine logging into your bank account every single morning and seeing a fresh 1,440 pounds just sitting there waiting to be spent. Would you ignore it?

Probably not. Would you waste it on things that didn't add value to your life? Maybe for a while, but eventually you'd realise what a gift it is. Would you be reckless with it? You know, just because you know there's gonna be some more coming tomorrow maybe until you start seeing how those reckless choices add up over time, would you feel a little panicked?

Realising that at the stroke of midnight, anything left unspent is gone forever. Now let's take this deeper. What if you knew the deposits wouldn't last forever? You don't know when, but at some point the bank will stop refilling your account. Would you change how you spend it? This is exactly how time works.

You get a fresh deposit every morning, but you have no idea when the last deposit will come. If time really were money, most of us would be bankrupt. Not because we didn't have enough, but because we wasted it without thinking. Here is how I see people spend time in ways they'd never dream it was spending money.

They leave it sitting there unused. Have you ever had a day where you just felt stuck, unable to make a decision, unsure what to do, feeling paralysed. That's like staring at your bank account all day and doing nothing with the money inside. After infidelity, some people go into a state of emotional limbo, unsure whether to stay or leave, waiting for a sign, waiting for their partner to prove something, waiting to feel better before making a move sometimes.

They waste it on things that just don't matter. If you had that 1,440 pounds, would you throw huge chunks of it at things that didn't bring you joy, fulfilment, or growth? Yeah. We do this all the time. We replay past conversations. We obsess over what ifs, scrolling mindlessly through social media to distract from emotional pain.

Sometimes it involves looking at the affair partner's social media profile to try and, I don't know, figure out what they're doing so that we can compare or judge ourselves against them. What about giving it to people that don't deserve it? If somebody walked up to you and demanded 500 pounds from your daily deposit for no reason whatsoever, would you just hand it over?

Presumably not. But when it comes to time, we often give it away without a second's thought. Sometimes we'll stay in arguments that go nowhere. Endless endlessly chasing validation from someone who isn't giving us any clarity, and instead spending mental energy, trying to control things that are just completely outta their hands.

Another thing that I often see is people ignoring it because, well, there's always tomorrow. Imagine having a never ending bank account. Would that make you careless? If you knew you'd always get another deposit, you might not think about spending wisely. But of course, time doesn't work that way. We act like there will always be more, always another tomorrow, always more chances.

But one day the deposits will stop and we don't know when. So how would you spend it differently? I mean, if you really treated time like money, what would change? Would you be more intentional about how you start your day? Would you let go of time wasting habits that just don't serve you? Would you be more present instead of wishing time away for some future event?

The hard truth is that most people don't start thinking about time this way until, well, something forces them to. Sometimes that is a betrayal, a breakup, an illness, a loss, but you don't have to wait for a crisis to start spending wisely because unlike money, you can't earn more time. You only get what's given to you today.

Sometimes we just waste time without even realising it. You see, the problem is most of us don't think about time this way, and instead we spend it unconsciously like someone with a hole in their pocket. Sometimes we wish it away. I just want this week to be over. I can't wait for that next holiday, that vacation.

Things will be better when insert what it foot is that you imagine. When things will be better. Maybe you're living in the past, you're constantly replaying those conversations, analysing every detail, feeling stuck with what was. Perhaps you're just terrified of the future. Overthinking every decision, feeling paralysed by what ifs, and avoiding actions.

Or maybe you're just spending time on things that don't align with your values. This could be staying in a toxic situation, holding onto resentment, or just distracting yourself instead of facing reality after infidelity. This becomes even more extreme. Some people spend months, or in some cases even years, stuck in the past trying to make sense of what happened.

Others spend their days anxiously waiting for something to change, waiting for their partner to prove themselves, waiting to feel ready, or to move on. Waiting for a decision to be made for them. But again, here's the truth. Waiting is not a passive act. It's an active choice to do nothing, and while you wait the minutes, they just disappear.

Now, let's go back to the money analogy. Remember, imagine someone told you that every single day you'd get that 1,440 pounds, but you could only spend it today. No saving, no do-overs. You'd probably be, probably be much more intentional with how you used it. You'd ask yourself, what do I actually want to invest in?

Who do I actually want to spend this with? Am I spending this in a way that brings value to my life? So why don't we ask the same thing about time instead of mindlessly letting it slip away, what if we spent it like we meant it? Infidelity takes away your sense of control, not just over your relationship, but over your entire life.

Suddenly, everything feels uncertain. The future you imagined is in question, and so many people respond by going into a sort of time paralysis where they just exist without actively choosing what to do with their time. Now, when you first discover betrayal. It can be life changing, it's terrifying.

Uncertainty is absolutely prominent. Your body and your mind go into shock, and this can have all manner of impacts in terms of your sleep and your nutrition and your emotional state. Now, I don't want to put a pressure on you whereby you believe that you should be doing something differently in those moments, but there does become a point where that particular experience that you are having can't keep going on, and we need to move away from that place, and we need to start moving towards more intentional healing. So here's how to take your time back. First of all, stop waiting for the right time. There is no perfect time to heal. There's no perfect time to forgive, to leave or to stay.

The longer you wait for certainty, the more time you waste. Instead ask, what can I do today that moves me forward? Even if it is just in a very small way, change your mindset from wasting to investing time. And instead of spending hours ruminating on the past, choose to invest your time in things that actually serve you.

We can't change what came before, whether that's self-care, personal growth, or simply being present in your own life. Again, you deserve that investment. This is something that you really can invest in yourself. And then thirdly, audit your time in a similar way that you would your bank account. If you tracked how you spent your time for a week, what would it show?

Are you spending time on things that align with your values or are you just letting the minutes slip away? So let's consolidate. Every day, you're given those 1,440 minutes to spend however you want. You can use them to build a life that matters to you, or you can let them pass you by while you wait for something to change.

So I'll leave you with this one question. If time were money and you had to spend it today before it was gone, what would you do differently? Let's be real for a second. If you've been betrayed, you already know the emotional chaos that it brings. The constant mind loops, the sleepless nights, the endless questions of why and what now, and maybe.

Despite all of the advice that's out there, you still feel lost, stuck, alone, and yet no one really gets what you are going through. Trust me, I get it. I've been there. But here's the thing. Staying stuck in that pain isn't the only option. Healing doesn't have to feel like wandering through the dark without a map, and that's exactly why I've created the Chaos to Clarity Group Coaching Program.

It's a blueprint after betrayal. The biggest mistake I see Betrayed partners make is trying to figure out this alone without a roadmap, without structure, without support, and that's what keeps them stuck in confusion. Anger and self-doubt for years. That's exactly why I designed this 10 week group coaching program to give you a proven framework that cuts through the noise.

It simplifies the healing process and puts you back in control of your life. This isn't just another talk about your feelings experience. This is about real. Actionable strategies to help you rebuild trust in yourself, manage emotional triggers, and move forward with confidence, whether that's in your current relationship or on your own terms.

In chaos to clarity, you are getting a structured 10 week coaching program guiding you every step of the way, a private support group, where you'll connect with others who actually get it. And most importantly, you are getting the tools to stop feeling trapped in resentment. And finally, let go of what's holding you back.

Master your emotions so they don't control you anymore, and gain clarity on what you truly want and take action towards it with confidence. Imagine waking up and not feeling consumed by the past. Imagine trusting yourself again. Imagine knowing with certainty that no matter what happens next, you are going to be okay because you have the tools.

You have the clarity and now you have the confidence to move forward. That's what's waiting for you inside chaos to clarity. So if you are serious about healing and you're ready to take back control of your life, don't wait another moment. Visit lifecoachluke.com and book your free 30 minute discovery session today to learn more.