129. You Don’t Have to Stay, Leave, or Forgive: You Only Have to Choose

After infidelity, it’s easy to feel like you have to do something, have to leave, have to stay and fix things, have to forgive to move on. Society, family, and even your own mind push you to believe there’s a “right” decision you must make.

But here’s the truth: You don’t have to do anything. You only have to choose after infidelity what you really want to do.

In this episode, I break down the illusion of obligation, why so many people feel trapped in expectations about healing, forgiveness, and reconciliation, and how to shift from feeling forced to feeling free. Because once you realise that everything is a choice, you stop being a victim of betrayal and start reclaiming your power.

Key Takeaways:

• The difference between true needs and false obligations, why most things you think you must do are actually choices.

• How ‘shoulds’ (I should forgive, I should move on) are just internalized expectations, not universal truths.

• Why waiting for clarity is actually a fear response keeping you stuck in limbo.

• How to break free from guilt-driven decision-making and start making choices that align with your values.

• A simple mindset shift that will give you back control over your healing process.

💬 Reflection Questions:

Have you ever felt pressured to make a decision about infidelity recovery before you were ready? How did that impact your healing?

Connect with Luke:

• Website: www.lifecoachluke.com

• Instagram: @mylifecoachluke

• Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Episode Transcript:

Hey, so you're feeling stuck after betrayal. You're caught in the loop of shoulds. I should forgive. I should leave. I should stay. I should be over this by now. If that's you, then this episode might help because here's the truth. Most of the things that we think that we must do, need to do, or even should do, are nothing but choices.

And the moment that we can recognise that we can take back all of the power. So today I wanna break down the illusion of musts and shoulds. I want to uncover what's really driving them and explore how shifting to a want or desire based choices can help you move forward. Whether that means staying in the relationship, leaving, or simply reclaiming a sense of control over your life after infidelity.

So let's get into it.

The After The Affair podcast with me, Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide, and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Together we'll explore what's required to rebuild trust, not only in yourself, but also with others. Whether you stay or leave, I can help. And no matter what your story, there will be something here for you.

Let's go.

Welcome back to the After the Affair podcast. I'm your host, Luke Schillings, and your listening to episode number 129. And today I wanna talk about one of those most powerful, yet ultimately misunderstood forces in our lives. Choice. When you are going through betrayal recovery, it often feels like there are things that you have to do.

You have to talk about it. You have to go to therapy, you have to forgive, you have to move on. But here's something somewhat radical. What if you don't have to do any of these things? What if instead, every single one of them was actually just a choice? I wanna break this down into a, let's call it a hierarchy of action.

Moving from things that are truly non-negotiable to things that we well mistakenly believe are required, but are in fact actually choices. At the most fundamental level, the only thing that we are biologically forced to do is to breathe everything else, eating, drinking, sleeping, regulating temperature.

It can be resisted, or at the very least, postponed, even if doing those things has consequences. Think about. You can hold your breath, but eventually you'll pass out, and then your autonomic nervous system will take over and will have you breathing again in no time. You can refuse to eat, but you won't die immediately.

You can go without sleep, but your body will eventually force some kind of shutdown. This distinction is important because it shows that almost everything we do is a choice, even when it feels like we have no option. When betrayal happens, it often feels like there are things that we must do to survive emotionally.

I must get closure. I must fix this. I must know why they did it. But these are not survival imperatives. They are emotional desires that feel urgent because they're linked to uncertainty. They're linked to self-worth and a sense of control. Recognising that these are wants, rather than musts is the first step to reclaiming emotional autonomy.

While breathing is automatic. Other survival functions like eating, drinking, sleeping, and regulating your body temperature are of course necessary for long-term survival, but we have control over when and how we meet those needs. You need to eat, but you can choose what and when you need to sleep, but you can also choose to sacrifice it for a period of time if you wish.

You need to maintain body temperature. But how you do it, whether that's clothing, movement, fire, shelter, that's up to you. This flexibility is important because it highlights the difference between actual needs and the things that we falsely perceive as needs. After betrayal, many people. Mistake wants for needs, which creates this emotional urgency and well pressure.

I need my partner to tell me the full truth. I need to know if they loved me. I need to know if they loved them. I need to feel like I'm enough. But these are not true needs. They're emotional needs masquerading as survival needs, and when we believe something is a need, we feel desperate to get it, which can lead to emotional spirals and reactive decision making.

The truth is the only thing you truly need. Is to take care of yourself physically. Everything else is about choice. You may want clarity, validation, or reassurance, but you don't need it to move forward and realising this really does put you back in control. There's this trap and it's the trap of shoulds, and they come from internalised expectations.

Shoulds feel like obligations, but they're actually just these internalised beliefs rules that we follow because of our social conditioning, cultural expectations or our fear of judgment. Think all the way back to episode number 12, the rule book. This is the manual that we have for how we think other people should show up in our lives.

Perhaps you have some rules for yourself. I should forgive them because forgiveness is the right thing to do. I should be over this by now 'cause Well, others expect me to move on. I should give them another chance. 'cause relationships are supposed to be saved. I should know whether I want to stay or leave because uncertainty feels like failure.

The thing is, shoulds can keep you stuck. They create an emotional pressure. If you don't meet the expectation, you feel like you failed, they lead to resentment. If you comply out of obligation, you may start resenting your partner for or yourself, and they remove autonomy. They make decisions to feel forced rather than chosen.

Many betrayed partners feel an overwhelming sense of obligation to heal, to forgive, to decide quickly, but these expectations are not universal truths. They are conditioned responses. You don't have to forgive if you don't want to. You don't have to be quote unquote over it if anyone else says. So. You don't have to make a decision before you are ready.

By questioning your shoulds, you can replace them with intentional choices. Instead of saying, I should forgive them, you can ask, do I actually want to forgive them? And if so, why? This shift changes everything because once you see that nothing is a must or a should. You can reclaim the power of choice.

When we live in a world of shoulds, our emotions become dependent on specific outcomes, and this leads to three major emotional traps. Resentment, if you comply with a should, but don't really want to, you start resenting the situation. Your partner and yourself. For example, I should stay for the kids, but deep down you feel trapped and angry.

And then there's shame if you fail to meet a, should you internalise it as a personal failure? Maybe you're thinking, I should be over this by now, but you are still struggling so you feel broken, and this can be well shameful. Then there's pressure. If you fear the consequence of not meeting a, should you feel trapped, I should forgive them.

But forcing forgiveness before you're ready creates anxiety and guilt. But what if you didn't have to do any of these things? What if you realise that the only thing actually keeping you in this cycle is your belief that these expectations are well non-negotiable, but of course they are. And here's where everything changes.

When you stop seeing your actions as obligations and instead start seeing there as intentional choices. Then you can do something about it. So instead of saying, I should stay, maybe we could offer, I choose to stay because it aligns with what I value right now. Or maybe if it's a I should leave, that could become, I want to leave 'cause I believe I deserve a different kind of relationship.

How about I should be over this by now. God, this, this, I hear this all the time. Maybe that could become, I'm still processing because this experience mattered and healing does take time. The power here isn't in the, whether you stay, leave, forgive, or move on. It's in the fact that you are making a conscious chosen decision rather than following an expectation that, well, you never actually agreed to.

Now, theory is great and listening to me talk about it probably will help, but does it actually change anything for you? I find that the only really, the only real way to make a change in your life is to implement some of the things that you're learning, and that can often be through practical tools and exercises.

So here's yours for today. One, write down three things that you feel like you should do right now. Two, ask your. Where did this expectation come from? Was it from family society or just your own internalised beliefs? Maybe it was something else. Three. Reframe each one as a choice. If I had complete freedom.

What would I truly want? How does this action align with my values and what changes if I approach this as something I choose instead of something that I feel like I have no choice but to do? Now, here's the interesting part. You might be thinking, Luke isn't choice just an illusion, aren't we shaped by our past experiences, subconscious programming and social influences?

Maybe, but whether or not choice is an illusion, what matters is this. Feeling in control is what gives us meaning. If you don't choose, you feel powerless. If you let shoulds dictate your actions, you feel trapped. And if you believe you have to do something, you feel resentful. But the moment you recognise that everything, yes, even healing, even staying even leaving is a choice.

You take back your autonomy and in that moment you stop feeling like a victim of infidelity and start instead to feel like the author of your own story again, infidelity feels like it takes away our control. It makes us question what we know, who we are and what we should do next. But here's the truth, the only way forward is to reclaim the power of choice.

So I'll leave you with this. What one should you've been carrying? That you now realise is actually a choice. And if you fully embraced that choice, how would your emotional experience change? If this episode resonated with you, I'd love to hear your thoughts. Have you been caught in a should cycle? What's one thing you've decided to reframe as a choice?

Let me know on socials or drop me a message at luke@lifecoachluke.com. And if you wanna support your own journey going forward, making clear, confident choices after betrayal, I'm in the process of launching my second round of my group coaching program, Chaos to Clarity. You can book a free discovery call to discuss what this means for you, and I really look forward to having you on board in the next intake.

Simply visit. Lifecoachluke.com and schedule your call today. Thank you ever so much as always, for spending this time with me. And until next week, please take care of yourself. And remember, your power isn't in what happens to you, it's in what you choose next.