127. Desire vs. Choice: Understanding the Power You Have in an Affair

Desire can feel overwhelming, especially when you’re caught up in an affair or emotional connection outside your primary relationship. It can seem like the attraction is uncontrollable, like you have no say in what you feel. But what if I told you that while desire may not be a choice, what you do with it always is?

In this episode, we’re diving deep into the relationship between desire and choice. Whether you're struggling with an affair or facing unrequited love, this episode is all about regaining control. We’ll explore how to acknowledge your emotions without letting them define your actions, and how to make decisions that align with your values, not just your feelings.

Key Takeaways:

• Desire vs Choice: Desire is instinctive, but choice is always in your hands.

• Why people in affairs or toxic relationships often feel like they have no control, and how to reclaim it.

• The emotional brain vs. the rational brain: Why attraction and action aren’t the same thing.

• How to separate what you feel from what you do, and why it matters for your future.

• Steps to take back control of your relationships, values, and actions moving forward.

💬 Reflection Questions:

How have you navigated feelings of desire in your relationships? How did you handle the balance between attraction and choice?

Connect with Luke:

• Website: www.lifecoachluke.com

• Instagram: @mylifecoachluke

• Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Episode Transcript:

The After The Affair podcast with me Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Together we'll explore what's required to rebuild trust not only in yourself but also with others. Whether you stay or leave I can help and no matter what your story there will be something here for you.

Let's go! Hello and welcome back to the After The Affair podcast I'm your host Luke Shillings and today you're listening to episode number 127. I want to tackle a topic that plays a massive role in how we navigate relationships. How we navigate temptation and emotional attachments whether in an affair, in a marriage or even just in unrequited love.

How much of our desire is a choice and if we don't choose to feel desire do we have control over what happens next? So many people feel powerless in the face of attraction. They say things like I didn't choose to fall for them I just can't turn off my feelings and that's true. Desire isn't something that we consciously decide but here's the key.

Desire and choice are not the same thing. Understanding this distinction could change everything for you because while it seems like you may not control what you feel you always control what you do with it. So let's get into it.

Have you ever felt drawn to someone so intensely that it felt like you had no control? Maybe it was an affair partner, maybe it was someone you met after your relationship was already struggling, maybe you're still struggling with an unshakeable feeling for somebody who you know you shouldn't be with. In these moments desire can feel instinctive like something that happens to you rather than something that you can manage and to some extent that's true. Psychologically desire is largely driven by the limbic system.

It's the emotional primal part of our brain responsible for our instinctive reactions. It's the same part of the brain that processes rewards, pleasure and emotional connections and that's why attraction often feels immediate and overwhelming. It's a deep subconscious process.

But then there's also another part of our brain, the prefrontal cortex. This is responsible for logic, decision-making and long-term consequences. This is where we decide what to do with our emotions.

This is the part of the brain that allows us to take a step back and say, okay I feel this but do I want to act on it? And that's where the battle really begins between what you feel in the moment and what you value in the long term. A lot of people believe that deep attraction means that they must act on it. They mistake desire for inevitability.

They say things like but my feelings are so strong they must mean something right? Or if I feel this much chemistry surely that's a sign that we should be together. What if I'm denying myself of true happiness? And this is where so many people get stuck because they assume that strong emotions equal truth. But here's something to consider.

Just because something feels intense doesn't mean it's the right path. Think of it this way. Imagine a fire.

It burns brightly. It's powerful. It draws you in.

But fire alone doesn't dictate what happens next. You can either fuel it with oxygen and let it spread or you can contain it, appreciate its warmth and keep it under control. Desire is the fire but choice is the oxygen.

So the real question isn't why do I feel this? The real question is what am I going to do about it? Now let's acknowledge something important. I am not saying for one second that managing desire is easy. It's one thing to know that you can make a different choice.

It's absolutely another thing entirely to do it when your emotions are overwhelming. Research shows that people in emotionally heightened states, whether that's infatuation, heartbreak or temptation, they experience a temporary reduction in rational thinking. The limbic system takes over making us far more impulsive and emotionally driven.

This is why people in affairs often describe feeling addicted to the relationship. The brain literally releases dopamine. It's the same reward chemical involved in addiction, reinforcing the idea that this attraction is something that you need.

But here's the thing, just like any addiction, the high can fade. What felt intoxicating in the moment doesn't always hold the same weight in the long run. So if you feel stuck in an overwhelming attraction, here's what I want you to do.

Pause, create space and just give your prefrontal cortex a moment to catch up. Now this doesn't mean you can't still make the same choices but we are making it from a place of intent. So how do you create that space? Here are three things that you can do next time you're caught in an emotional whirlwind.

You can start just by naming what you're experiencing, naming the feeling, labelling the feeling. Instead of saying I'm in love or I need to be with them, shift your language to I'm experiencing strong desire right now. The moment you separate yourself from emotion you gain perspective.

I was speaking with someone only a few days ago who had experienced this overwhelming desire to be with their partner after they had betrayed them. They wanted to spend every moment with them and interestingly enough the same was true for their partner. They also wanted now to spend every single moment with their unfaithful partner.

The temptation to spend that time together was so powerful they almost shut the rest of the world out like they were in creating this bubble which can feel compelling at the time but it also creates a kind of echo chamber and it creates an environment where you are victim to your emotion. You justify your reasons for being there, it makes sense, but it also kind of creates a codependency not so much with the other person but with the experience. We're dependent on feeling that way to keep feeling that way and that can sometimes lead to choices and decisions that don't make sense in the long run even if they feel amazing in the moment.

The next step is to really delay that immediate action. If you feel like reaching out, meeting up or making a big decision in the heat of the moment, just wait. Give yourself a few hours, give yourself 24 hours, give yourself a week, let the intensity settle before making a decision that could change everything.

And then finally ask yourself what do I want more? Instead of focussing on what you feel in the moment, ask what do I want for my future self? Desire is about now but choices shape where we're going. Desire is immediate, it's rooted in the present moment, it doesn't consider consequences, context or long-term impact. It only whispers or sometimes shouts I want this now.

But choice, choice is about direction. Every decision you make today is a stepping stone towards a future version of you. And the problem is when emotions are heightened, that future version of yourself feels far away and the present moment feels, well, urgent.

Okay so you're feeling emotionally disconnected in your relationship. You've been getting attention from someone who seems to see you in a way that your partner just hasn't lately. They send you a message, I really enjoyed our conversation earlier, wish we could keep talking.

Right now desire says just reply, it's harmless, it feels good to connect. But choice asks, how will I feel about this tomorrow? If my partner saw this message, would I feel good about it? Is this leading me towards or away from the kind of relationship that I actually want? Your future self isn't just the person you'll be tomorrow, it's the person you'll be six months, a year, five years from now. Which version of yourself are you building with this decision? Sometimes there's an undeniable chemistry with somebody at work.

Every conversation feels effortless, electric. They make you laugh, they make you feel appreciated. And part of you wonders, what if? Right now desire says this connection, it's real.

Shouldn't I explore it? But choice asks, do I want to be the person who risked my relationship for a what if? What happens if this goes further? What will my life look like then? What do I actually value more? Excitement or integrity? The truth is you could pursue this attraction, no one's stopping you. But what happens after that? What are the ripple effects? The hard part isn't acknowledging your feelings, it's recognising that just because something feels good in the moment, doesn't always mean it aligns with what you ultimately want. Or perhaps the situation is different for you.

Maybe you're not doing anything inappropriate, but there's someone that you, you know, go to for emotional support instead of your partner. They understand you, they understand you in a way that feels easier than your current relationship. It's a safe space, or at least it feels that way.

Right now desire says, I'm not doing anything wrong, I just need somebody to talk to. But choice asks, am I using this person as an escape instead of facing the real issues in my relationship? Will I regret how much I've emotionally invested here? Am I reinforcing patterns that might hurt me later? Your future self isn't just the person who looks back at this moment, it's the person who lives with the outcomes of this choice. The key isn't ignoring desire.

The key is asking, if I act on this feeling, will I be proud of that decision later? Is that something that aligns with who I want to be? What would the version of me who has clarity and confidence choose? Am I moving towards a life I want or just reacting to emotions in the moment? Desire is immediate gratification. It's like craving fast food when you're hungry. It tastes great right now, but it's not always what your body actually needs.

Choice, on the other hand, is long-term fulfilment. It's like deciding to cook a meal that takes effort but nourishes you in the way that's at last. So the next time you're caught in that emotional pull, remember, you can feel desire without following it.

You can acknowledge it without giving it control. And most importantly, the person you want to become is built on the choices that you make today. Look, desire is powerful and it can feel overwhelming, but it's not a command.

You don't have to suppress it, ignore it, or shame yourself for even feeling it. But you also don't have to follow it blindly. Every person who has ever been in an affair, a toxic relationship, or an emotional entanglement has, at some point, felt like they had no choice.

But the truth is, they did. And so do you. And let's be clear, I'm not here to tell you what's right or wrong for your life.

Sometimes a primary relationship or a marriage is unhealthy or unsustainable. Sometimes the person that you committed to years ago no longer aligns with who you are today. And sometimes you meet someone who reflects your growth in a way that feels, well, undeniable.

But even in those moments, the real question isn't just, do I feel this? It's, what do I want to build from here? Because attraction alone doesn't make the decision for you. The difference between a reactive choice and an intentional one is how you approach it. Because the moment you realise that desire is just a feeling, but choice is an action, you take back control of your relationships, your values, and your future.

So next time you feel drawn to someone, ask yourself, is this a fire that I want to fuel? Or, is this a fire that I want to admire from a safe distance? And if I do fuel it, am I doing so with the full awareness of the life I want to create? Not just for today, but for the future version of myself. If this episode resonated with you, I'd love to hear your thoughts. Have you ever struggled with separating desire from choice? How did you handle it? You can connect with me on Instagram at mylifecoachluke, or you can come over and join the conversation at the After The Affair Facebook group.

It's the After The Affair community with me, Luke Shillings. I'll pop the links in the show notes. And if you want to go deeper into this work, I offer one-to-one coaching to help you navigate the emotional overwhelm, betrayal, and really gain some relationship clarity.

You can book a free discovery call at lifecoachluke.com. Thank you ever so much, as always, for spending this time with me. If you have really enjoyed this episode, please give it a five-star review. Leave some comments on your respective podcast app.

It's really appreciated and it helps get it in front of more people just like you who need it. Until next week, take care of yourself, and remember, you're always more powerful than you think.