125. Stuck Between Two Choices: Here’s What You’re Missing With Binary Thinking

Feeling trapped between two impossible choices? Whether it’s staying in a relationship after betrayal or walking away, deciding whether to tell the full truth or keep things buried, or any other major life decision, binary thinking can make it seem like there are only two options, when, in reality, there are more.

In this episode, I explore how black-and-white thinking limits your ability to make the best decision for your future, why your brain naturally defaults to false dilemmas, and how to open up new possibilities that you might not have considered.

Next time you feel stuck between two options, challenge yourself to come up with at least three alternative choices. They don’t have to be perfect, but simply allowing your mind to expand beyond "this or that" can open doors to better possibilities.

Key Takeaways:

• If you feel stuck between two extremes, it’s likely you’re missing other paths forward.

• High-stakes emotions make decisions feel urgent, but taking time to explore alternative perspectives reduces pressure and increases clarity.

• There are often creative, flexible solutions that don’t require you to conform to societal expectations of what “should” happen.

• By expanding your perspective, you gain control over your choices rather than feeling trapped by them.

💬 Reflection Question:

When faced with a tough decision recently, did I automatically default to an either/or mindset, and what possibilities might I have overlooked if I’d paused to consider a third or fourth option?

Connect with Luke:

• Website: www.lifecoachluke.com

• Instagram: @mylifecoachluke

• Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Episode Transcript:

So you're standing at a fork in the road. You feel forced to pick between two impossible choices, stay or leave, forgive or walk away, speak up or stay silent. What if I told you that this feeling, the weight of being stuck between two extremes, isn't actually a reflection of reality, it's a mental trap, a trick of binary thinking that keeps us from seeing the full range of possibilities.

Today I'm going to dismantle this pattern and explore why we fall into it and uncover the paths that you haven't even considered yet. So let's dive straight in. The After The Affair podcast with me Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide and move forward on purpose following infidelity.

Together we'll explore what's required to rebuild trust not only in yourself but also with others. Whether you stay or leave, I can help and no matter what your story there will be something here for you. Let's go.

Welcome back to the After The Affair podcast. I'm your host Luke Shillings and today you're listening to episode number 125. We're talking about a mindset trap that so many of us fall into, binary thinking.

When betrayal happens, when relationships are on the line, when emotions are at their peak, we instinctively narrow our options down to usually just two. We feel like we have to pick one or the other, stay and suffer through the pain or leave and lose everything that we've built, forgive and pretend it never happened or hold on to resentment forever, confess everything or take the secret to the grave. But here's the truth, most of the time those aren't actually the only choices.

They're just the most obvious ones, the ones that feel urgent, the ones that come with big emotional weight and because they're so extreme they keep us trapped in a cycle of indecision, stress and pressure. So in this episode I want to break down why our brains default to black and white thinking in the first place, how binary choices create unnecessary stress and the hidden paths that exist beyond option A or option B. Finally I want to look at how you can start breaking free from this pattern today. So why does binary thinking feel so real? Let's start with why this even happens in the first place.

Why is it that in moments of crisis that we feel that we only have two choices? The answer lies in something known as cognitive rigidity. It's a psychological tendency to see things in black and white, especially if we're under stress. When we experience emotional upheaval like betrayal, our brain goes into survival mode.

It wants quick, decisive action and the easiest way to make a decision quickly is reduce the number of choices. Think about it, if you're walking through a dark forest and you hear something rustling in the bushes, your brain doesn't want to spend time analysing the possible scenarios, it just wants to know run or fight. You know and it's that kind of immediate decision making that's really useful when we're in danger, but when it comes into our relationships and our emotional healing, it's a trap.

The problem with binary thinking is that it doesn't allow for nuance, it doesn't recognise growth, change or the fact that most problems aren't actually solved by choosing one extreme or the other. Here's where it gets even trickier. Binary choices create pressure and pressure makes decisions feel more urgent than they actually are.

Let's say you're facing the question of whether to stay in your marriage after infidelity. Binary thinking says stay but suffer through the mistrust and resentment or leave but blow up your entire life. Neither of those options feel great you know and it's because neither of them take into account all the possibilities in between.

But when we believe we only have two choices the pressure builds. We feel rushed to decide because we think the longer we wait the harder it will be and ironically that pressure makes it harder to make the decision. We become paralysed by the weight of it and this is why so many people stay stuck for months or in some case even years because neither extreme feels right.

But what if, what if instead of forcing yourself to choose between two unsatisfying options you ask yourself what else is possible? Here's the part that nobody tells you. When you feel stuck between two extreme choices there's almost always a third, often fourth, fifth and sixth option. At the very least there's a middle path, a perspective that you haven't fully explored yet.

Let's go back to the example of deciding whether to stay or leave your marriage after betrayal and instead of being forced into an immediate decision what if you considered a temporary separation to gain clarity? Maybe committing to six months of personal and couples therapy before making a choice? Perhaps you might redefine the terms of your relationship and seeing if something new can be built from the wreckage? Or what if you took time to heal independently before deciding if reconciliation was possible? And this applies to so many decisions. Instead of confessing every single detail of an affair or taking it to the grave what if you considered sharing just what's necessary to rebuild trust? Instead of feeling like you have to immediately forgive or hold on to anger forever what if you allowed yourself space to process and explore what forgiveness even looks like for you? When you start to see beyond the either or you gain power. You step out of the trap of urgency and into the mindset of possibility.

So how do you actually put this into practise? So I want to list out a few strategies. First of all you can start by naming the binary thought. Next time you catch yourself thinking in extremes write it down.

I either have to stay and be miserable or leave and be alone. The moment you put it into words you give yourself the power to challenge it. Then you can ask well what's another option? Force yourself to come up with at least three alternative possibilities.

Even if they sound ridiculous this exercise just opened your mind to new possible solutions. If you're really struggling on your own then find somebody to have this conversation with. Even use the internet.

Maybe even you use AI or something to help you explore alternatives. Just to again just to open your mind to something that maybe you're not willing or even capable, at least in the moment, of finding on your own. And then seek out nuance.

If you're feeling pressure to make a big decision remind yourself that most choices don't have to be immediate. Give yourself permission to sit with the uncertainty. I was speaking with somebody just yesterday and their temptation to get away from discomfort was so strong that they just never really experienced it in their life at all.

At least not for any length of time. They always found themselves reacting to an event or a situation. If somebody said something they got angry and frustrated and left.

They would storm out or they would raise their voice or they would say something that they later regretted. This always got them away from the feeling of discomfort in the moment. It was their like temporary distraction.

But then ultimately they were just burying it. They were avoiding it. They were keeping away from it.

And eventually that cycle repeated. Something else came up and the reaction began again. And then they would overcome it.

They would make some poor decision in the moment that usually led to somewhere they didn't want. And then it kind of buried itself again. And then this cycle just kept repeating and repeating and repeating.

And this person has been doing it for their entire life. And this is something they've trained their brain to do. So of course there is a challenge.

There are obstacles in terms of being able to retrain our brain in that moment. But it has to start somewhere. Why not today? The next thing is to look for evidence of complexity.

Look no relationship, no betrayal, no healing journey. None of them. None of them are black and white.

They're not simple. And really start to notice the grey areas. The places where multiple truths exist all at once.

This alone helps loosen the grip of binary thinking. Finally you could talk to somebody who thinks differently. You know I've already mentioned this briefly before in terms of considering another option.

When we're in a binary mindset we tend to seek out opinions that reinforce our own opinions. We like to feel validated because it feels nice. Yes you agree with me.

Great okay that just reinforces my binary thinking. Doesn't help me make the decision though. Instead challenge yourself to talk to somebody who sees the situation differently.

They might introduce you to a path that you just hadn't considered. Binary thinking is one of the biggest mental traps that we face when dealing with infidelity. And also when we're dealing with heartbreak and or any big life decisions for that matter.

It makes us feel stuck when in reality there are always more possibilities than we initially see. So as you move forward this week I encourage you to catch yourself when you feel boxed in by a choice. Pause.

Breathe. And ask what else is possible. And I promise you there's always more than two paths forward.

If this episode resonated with you I'd love to hear from you. You can email me directly at luke at lifecoachluke.com or why don't you come and join the conversation over in the After The Affair community. You can find us on facebook at facebook.com forward slash groups forward slash After The Affair community.

I will also put the link in the show notes as always. If you've ever broken free from binary thinking in your own life share your story with me. I'd love to hear how you found your third path.

Until next time take care and remember your choices are bigger than you think. Signing off. Speak to you next week.