124. Advanced Guide to Thinking After Betrayal: The Bookshop and Publisher

What if you could curate your thoughts like a bookshop owner curates their shelves? In this episode of After the Affair, I explore the power of intentional thinking using the metaphor of a bookshop. Your thoughts, like books, fill the shelves of your mind, but not all of them deserve to be displayed prominently. Some belong in the archives, while others should be highlighted as bestsellers.

I’ll talk about how to manage your mental library after betrayal, replacing self-defeating narratives with ones that support growth and healing. I’ll introduce you to two roles you play in your mental world: the Bookshop Owner and the Publisher, each with a critical role in shaping the way you process pain and move forward.

If you’ve been stuck in repetitive, painful thinking after betrayal, this episode will help you rethink the stories you’ve been telling yourself and show you how to start rewriting them.

Key Takeaways:

• Curate Your Mental Shelves: Identify thoughts that uplift and support you, and clear out the ones that keep you stuck in pain.

• Meet Your Inner Publisher: Review raw thoughts and refine them into beliefs that reflect your values and support healing.

• Challenge Self-Limiting Narratives: Replace thoughts like "I'm not good enough" with more compassionate, growth-oriented alternatives.

• The Power of Thoughtful Reflection: Healing requires intention, curiosity, and compassion, not perfection.

• Regular Shelf Maintenance: Learn how daily, weekly, and long-term reflection can help you maintain a mental environment conducive to growth.

💬 Reflection Question:

Which of your current thoughts deserve to be on display, and which are taking up space without serving you?

Join the Conversation:

What thought have you been displaying prominently that you’d like to replace with something new? Share your reflections with me on social media or in the After the Affair community.

Download your FREE bookshop guide to thinking here: https://api.leadconnectorhq.com/widget/form/uQxbaujnnELzSJFMgRLq

Connect with Luke:

• Website: www.lifecoachluke.com

• Instagram: @mylifecoachluke

• Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Episode Transcript:

The After The Affair podcast with me Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Together we'll explore what's required to rebuild trust not only in yourself but also with others. Whether you stay or leave I can help and no matter what your story there will be something here for you.

Let's go! Hello and welcome back to the After The Affair podcast. I'm your host Luke Shillings and you are listening to episode number 124. I've always liked to think as our minds, your mind, a little like a bookshop.

Every thought you have is a book. Some of those thoughts are inspiring and motivating and others are more outdated or harmful just simply taking up space. After betrayal has occurred I believe that there are three phases in which we go through when dealing with the thoughts that exist surrounding the experience.

The first is that of the customer. This is something I have spoken about before but we'll revisit it today before we move on to the next two steps. Shortly after betrayal the thoughts that you experience are overwhelming.

They are unavoidable and it doesn't seem to matter where you go or what you do. They seem to be almost omnipresent. You walk down your local high street and you go past a bookshop and in the window they'll have a giant display promoting the latest book.

It takes up the entire window frame. Now this would normally be okay however this book that they're promoting is your worst thoughts. It's the intrusive thoughts.

It's all of the negative memories and stories that you have associated with your current situation and it doesn't seem to matter what you do. It's right there in front of you. Unavoidable.

And not only are you faced with this reality but it seems as though it's on display for everybody else to see as well which really puts the metaphorical nail in the coffin. As time goes by the book in the window gets replaced with another book and now you have to walk into the shop and when you first walk in the shop there's usually a set of tables. This is where the book that was once in the window now gets moved to.

It's still in a fairly prominent position but not as prominent as it was. It does in fact require you to actually go into the shop. A bit more time passes and the book moves from the table and now it moves on to one of the shelves on the wall but it's front facing.

You can still see it. It's relatively prominent but you do have to look for it a little bit harder. Give a little bit more time and we can now notice that the book has gone from front facing to spine facing.

Still at a fairly prominent eye level but you do have to go searching for it a little bit more thoroughly to find it. And again as we continue down this journey eventually the book's position on the shelf moves. It drops down to the lower shelves eventually into the bottom corner and then maybe further back into the bookstore and eventually it moves into the stockroom because it's just not as important anymore.

And you know you could still go finding it you could still go searching for it but now you'd have to go and see the shopkeeper and ask them you know have you still got this book and they'll be like yeah we've got it in the in the back store I'll see if I can find it for you and off they go and they come out with this one copy. So it's there it's not it's not gone it's not vanished but it's just nowhere near as prominent anymore. But this whole process as the customer feels very much like you are the victim of the thought.

You don't really feel like you have the level of control that you might like in the situation and it seems as though time is the predominant factor at play in terms of where you are on with your relationship with that thought. Now this can be really useful of course just to even acknowledge some of you listening will think okay well my book is quite clearly still in the shop window. Whereas some of you others may have got a little bit further into your journey and can reflect and think oh actually yeah I remember when my book was in the window.

In fact I also remember when it was on the table and then when it moved to the shelf and was front facing. Actually for me it's probably now on the second shelf from the bottom spine facing just tucked away a little bit. It's less prominent it doesn't have the bright shiny cover that it once had.

You know it's still there I know where it is and I know where to go and find it if I need it but I don't have to think about it you know in every moment. And this can be a really useful reminder. Sometimes it's so easy to not notice the progression or the change that we've made over time and sometimes we need a reference to remind us of where we are.

It's one of the reasons that we often don't celebrate things because we don't really notice the progress that we make in various situations. So this idea of being a customer in the bookshop just gives you some framework to hopefully be able to better position those unhelpful thoughts that existed in the early days that now has maybe evolved and changed a little bit. Okay but what if you wanted to decide which books stayed on the shelves and which books got replaced? Which thoughts become your bestsellers and where do these books even come from? What would it be like to have a part of your mind that decides which drafts get developed into beliefs? Today I want to break down those roles.

Those roles are that of the bookshop owner and the publisher. I want to explore how they can work together to help you manage your thoughts, beliefs and emotions far more intentionally and far less like the victim that you were as the customer. So let's start with your role as the bookshop owner.

Imagine walking into your bookshop but not just any shop but your bookshop. This place is uniquely yours. It's shaped by every experience, thought and belief that you've ever had.

The walls are painted in the colours of your personality. The floors creak with the weight of your memories and the air carries a scent of old pages, new beginnings and everything that's in between. As you step inside you notice the shelves.

They're filled with books that tell the story of your life. Some are beautifully bound, their covers are shining, their titles evoking pride, inspiration and joy. Others on the other hand are more dog-eared, tattered.

Their spines are cracked, their pages filled with heavy words, doubt, regret, fear. These books aren't just on your shelves, they're woven into the very atmosphere of your shop. You take a closer look, some titles leap out at you.

I'll never be enough, how could they do this to me and it's all my fault. They sit prominently as if demanding your attention, worn from constant re-reading. Others, like I deserve to heal and I'm stronger than this pain, are tucked away in the shadows, their spines barely visible, waiting for a chance to be seen.

This is your bookshop, it's your mind's space, it's your sanctuary and you're not just a visitor, you're the owner and this means you get to decide. Maybe you could start by curating the shelves. Look at what's taking up space, which thoughts deserve to be displayed front and centre, which ones deserve to be in the shop window and which ones perhaps need to be archived or even removed entirely.

Maybe it's time to just rotate the stock a little bit. Some books might have served their purpose, they've taught us lessons and now they're just gathering dust, making it harder for new vibrant stories to find their place. Maybe you could create space.

Your shop feels somewhat cramped, the shelves feel overstuffed with narratives that you've just outgrown. What would it feel like to create room for something new, something lighter? And don't forget, feature your best sellers. There are books in there that light you up, they already exist.

Stories that remind you of your strength, your resilience, your capability. Put them where you can see them, where they can inspire you every single day. This shop is alive, it evolves as you evolve and you hold the keys.

Every thought is a book that you've allowed inside but not every book has to stay. As the bookshop owner you have the power to make this space reflect who you are and who you're becoming. Here's some things to consider.

Maybe if we just take the time to do the practise of a thought inventory, you know, pause throughout your day and just notice your mental shelves. Ask yourself which thoughts are dominating my mind right now? Are they helpful or are they just cluttering the space? Which deserve more focus? Maybe you could question the narrative and for any thought that comes up maybe ask is this serving me? Does this align with who I want to be? And what would happen if I replaced it with a new perspective? And then of course you can restock those shelves. Pick one thought to remove or replace.

For example, if I'll never be happy again is taking up space then maybe try replacing it with I'm learning how to create happiness in new ways. But now I want to introduce the publisher. Because while the bookshop owner curates the shelves, the publisher is the one deciding which books, your thoughts, make it to print in the first place.

The publisher's role is vital, acting as a kind of quality control. It ensures that you only place meaningful and well-crafted ideas. They are the only ones that make it into your mental library.

And of course without the publisher your shelves risk being overrun with poorly written drafts, unhelpful beliefs and outdated narratives. Imagine this, a raw manuscript appears, it's unpolished, it's riddled with type errors and has a title that just makes you cringe. Something like I'll never be enough or they'll never change.

These raw drafts don't have to make it to your shelves as fully fledged beliefs. Instead they can be reviewed, refined or even discarded entirely. And this is where the publisher works their magic.

When the raw thought emerges, say I'll never trust anyone again, the publisher pauses to evaluate. Is this thought grounded in fact or is it shaped by fear and hurt? Does it reflect my current reality or is it a story fuelled by my emotions from the betrayal? The goal here isn't to dismiss your feelings but to assess whether the thought is actually helpful or if it's just perpetuating any unnecessary pain. Not every thought needs to be discarded, some just need refining.

For example, I'm broken and I can't move on might become I'm healing and progress takes time. Or how about it's all their fault could shift to I'm learning to take responsibility for my own healing regardless of what they do. Editing your thoughts this way doesn't mean denying your pain, it's about reframing your narrative in a way that serves you.

Before your thought earns its place on your mental shelves as a belief, the publisher asks some key questions. Does it reflect my values and my goals? If this were a book would I actually want to read it? Would I recommend it to someone, particularly somebody else that I care about? Many of the books on your shelves were written years ago, they were influenced by societal norms, past traumas or just outdated coping mechanisms. Thoughts like I'm unloveable or healing is impossible may have originated from moments of despair but have no real place as permanent fixtures in your mind.

Without the publisher's interventions these drafts could quietly evolve into entrenched beliefs, shaping your self-perception and decisions in ways that just don't serve you. By engaging with the publisher you regain agency over your narrative and instead of passively accepting every thought that arises you can actively choose which ones to refine, which to keep and which to discard. This process isn't about forcing positivity but just about curating thoughts that reflect your resilience, your values and your potential.

It's about taking ownership of your story one belief at a time. Now of course it's important that both you as the bookshop owner and you as the publisher thrive when you work together and it's important because you can then work together in harmony. Spend time as the publisher reviewing thoughts before they hit the shelves then as the bookshop owner revisit your mental inventory and adjust as needed.

Instead of judging your thoughts get curious. Why is this thought here? What's its purpose? And not every thought will be a bestseller and that's okay. Growth comes from trial, error and of course intentional revision.

Maybe some practises to consider. Maybe you should write these down. You could take a morning thought inventory.

This is your role as the bookshop owner. You could write down three to five thoughts that you're starting the day with. Which of these thoughts help you and which thoughts don't? Then you can move over to the role of the publisher and choose one unhelpful thought and refine it.

For example the original thought might be I'll never move on from this whereas the refined thought could be healing takes time but I'm taking steps forward every day. And then you can collaborate together with the weekly shelving process where at the end of the week you reflect on your mental shelves. What needs to stay? What can go? What could be refined or reintroduced? You are both the bookshop owner and the publisher of your mind.

You have the power to decide which thoughts deserve your attention and which no longer serve you. This isn't about silencing your thoughts. It's about managing them with clarity, curiosity and compassion.

And remember not every thought will be a bestseller and that's okay. The goal is to create a mental library that inspires, motivates and aligns with who you truly want to be. If this has resonated with you and you would like to implement this as part of your daily and weekly routine but are struggling to remember all of the details then be sure to download the guide associated with this episode.

You will find a link to download the bookshop guide to thinking in the show notes of this episode of the podcast. If it's easier to reach out to me directly then you can message me at luke at lifecoachluke.com or you could send me a dm on instagram at my life coach Luke and I will ensure that you get a copy of that worksheet sent straight over. Thank you ever so much again for joining me on today's episode of the After The Affair podcast.

I'm Luke Shillings and I will talk to you again next week. Take care.