123. Confirmation Bias: Are You Seeking What You Fear After Infidelity?

Do you ever feel like the evidence for your worst fear after infidelity is everywhere? Whether it’s comments on social media or your own inner dialogue, it can feel impossible to escape the idea that you’ll never heal, your relationship is doomed, or you’re simply unworthy of love.

But here’s the truth: what you’re experiencing isn’t reality, it’s confirmation bias.

In this episode, I'm breaking down how confirmation bias works, how it keeps you stuck in cycles of fear and self-doubt, and most importantly, how to break free. You’ll learn practical steps to challenge fear-driven thoughts, see situations more clearly, and replace negativity with balanced perspectives that fuel growth and healing.

If you’re tired of being trapped by your fears, this episode will show you how to take back control.

Key Takeaways:

What is Confirmation Bias?

• A cognitive shortcut where we subconsciously favour information that supports our existing beliefs, even if those beliefs are harmful or untrue.

• Quote: "The eye sees only what the mind is prepared to comprehend." - Robertson Davies.

The Impact of Confirmation Bias:

• Keeps you stuck in cycles of fear, self-doubt, and guilt.

• Reinforces harmful beliefs like, “I’ll never recover,” or “This relationship is doomed.”

• Blocks opportunities for growth and healing by ignoring evidence that contradicts your fears.

Breaking Free from the Fear Trap:

• Awareness: Notice when you’re seeking out proof of your fears instead of truth.

• Challenge the Thought: Ask yourself, “Is there evidence against this belief?”

• Seek Balanced Perspectives: Surround yourself with voices and resources that encourage growth, not just validation of negativity.

Big Idea: What you focus on grows. By challenging confirmation bias, you can break free from fear-driven cycles and embrace healing and personal growth.

💬 Reflection Questions:

Is there evidence against this belief that I’m ignoring? What’s one positive perspective I can explore instead? What would I tell a friend in my situation?

Connect with Luke:

• Website: www.lifecoachluke.com

• Instagram: @mylifecoachluke

• Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Episode Transcript:

The After The Affair podcast with me Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Together we'll explore what's required to rebuild trust not only in yourself but also with others. Whether you stay or leave I can help and no matter what your story there will be something here for you.

Let's go! Hello and welcome back to the After The Affair podcast I'm your host Luke Shillings and you are listening to episode number 123. Today I want to revisit a topic that I've mentioned a few times although I don't think I've ever done an episode entirely based on it and it's a really important thing to consider in terms of how it shapes the way in which we see the world, how we heal and sometimes how we get stuck and remain stuck. It's confirmation bias.

Maybe you've never heard of it or maybe you are painfully aware of it but I promise you it's at play in your life way more than you think. Let me ask you this, have you ever noticed that the evidence for your worst fears seems to be everywhere? Like everything you see or read confirms your relationship is doomed or that you'll never heal. Well that's just not the truth.

That is confirmation bias and breaking free starts with challenging the stories you tell yourself. So let's get straight into it. Now it always makes sense to start with the basics.

So in simple terms confirmation bias is your brain's shortcut. It's a cognitive habit where we seek out and pay more attention to the information that supports what we already believe whether or not it's true. Our brains are hardwired to favour consistency because it feels safe but here's the catch, if what you already believe is harmful or untrue you'll simply still seek more evidence to confirm that even at your own expense.

Imagine for a minute that you're worried that you're unworthy of love and without realising it you'll start to focus on every small interaction or comment that seems to prove your belief. Did your partner forget to text you back? Is that proof? Did someone criticise you online? Surely that's proof. Maybe you had an intrusive thought or a dream that reinforced what you already believed about yourself.

Maybe that's just the final truth. Meanwhile the times that you're supported or loved might just get ignored completely. Your brain simply filters them out because well that doesn't align with the belief that you're holding.

There's a quote from Robert St. David's that sums this up perfectly. The eye sees only what the mind is prepared to comprehend and this is exactly what happens with confirmation bias. It's like wearing tinted glasses.

I spoke about rose tinted glasses back in one of my early episodes. You only see the world through that colour even if it's not the full reality. Now why does this matter? Why should you care about confirmation bias? Well it's because it keeps you trapped.

It holds you in a cycle of fear, self-doubt and guilt. So let's break it down. First there's the fear cycle.

Imagine you're scrolling through social media after a betrayal. You're looking for advice. You see one comment saying you'll never recover from this and another saying you're so weak for staying.

If you're already scared that those things might be true your brain locks onto those comments like a heat-seeking missile. It skips over the supportive ones that say you're stronger than you think or healing is possible. Why? Because fear has already set the lens and your brain is working overtime to prove it right.

Secondly there's emotional exhaustion. When you're constantly looking for proof of your fears you're reinforcing self-doubt and shame. It's like you're carrying a heavy bag of rocks everywhere you go and with every fearful thought you add another rock.

You might not even notice how much weight you're carrying until it's almost unbearable. And finally confirmation bias leads to missed growth. When you focus only on what confirms your fears you block out opportunities to see hope, progress or potential.

Imagine this. One of my clients was convinced that her relationship was beyond saving. She read article after article that said once trust is broken it's over.

But what she missed were the stories of couples who had rebuilt stronger relationships after betrayal. It wasn't until she consciously decided to challenge her assumptions she realised healing wasn't just possible it was happening for her. So how do you break free from this fear driven trap? How do you stop feeding your worst beliefs? Here I want to offer you three steps.

The first one is awareness. The first step is recognising when it's coming, when it's happening. Start noticing when you're seeking out proof of your fears.

Ask yourself am I looking for truth or just proof of my fears? Pause the next time you're scrolling through comments or replaying an argument in your head. Again ask yourself is this helping me grow or is this helping me stay stuck? Challenge the thought. Once you're aware of the bias you can start to challenge it and this is where you can get really curious and ask is there evidence that contradicts this belief? How is this belief, how is this thought not true? What's another explanation for what I'm seeing? For example if you think my partner doesn't care about me ask yourself is that true or could they just be stressed or distracted right now? Questioning your thoughts doesn't mean ignoring your feelings it means opening the door to a fuller perspective.

And then step three is to seek a balanced perspective. This is about changing what you consume. If you're constantly scrolling fear-driven content, stop.

I mean literally stop and replace it with voices that encourage growth and healing. I've said it before if you want to find an angry message or an upset hurt or the worst possible outcome on the internet you do not have to look too hard to find it. People who are upset and hurting are usually the first to make sure that everybody knows that that's what they're experiencing.

And I'm not discrediting their hurt or their pain of course I understand it. What I'm saying is it paints an unrealistic negative bias as to what the reality is for many people. It's the loudest noise so it's the one that we, particularly when we're feeling vulnerable, feel drawn to.

So it's really a case of paying attention to what you are consuming. Really follow people who challenge you. Maybe they challenge you to see the bigger picture not just the darkest one.

And also I highly recommend getting what's in your mind out on paper. Whether this is through traditional journaling or whether it's through a thought download like I've spoken about many times on the podcast. If you need some help or guidance with that then please just drop me an email with the subject line thought download and I'll ensure that a exercise guideline will be sent over to you.

Perhaps you could consider a gratitude journal. Just a way to really focus on one positive thing that happens each day that might just challenge the negative belief that you've been holding. And over time you'll gradually build a more balanced lens.

I worked with someone recently who was stuck in a vicious fear loop. She'd read that once trust is broken it's over. And every time she read those words her belief that her relationship was doomed just got stronger.

But when we started working together I asked her to look for one piece of evidence, just one, that contradicted her fear. And at first she was resistant. She didn't believe there were pieces of evidence that existed that contradicted what she believed.

But eventually she noticed that her partner had been actually showing up quite consistently. He'd been quite vulnerable and open. He'd even been taking accountability and showing numerous signs of remorse.

And most importantly had been working towards rebuilding trust. That was her proof. And once she saw it she couldn't unsee it.

She realised that her fear wasn't the truth. It was just the loudest voice in the room. Your fears don't define you.

And breaking free starts with recognising how often you're subconsciously feeding them. What we focus on grows. If you focus on proof of your fears they'll only get louder.

But if you challenge those fears, if you seek out a balanced perspective, look for contradictory evidence and ask better questions of yourself, you'll start to see a bigger picture. You'll stop carrying the weight of self-doubt and open the door to confidence, growth and healing. So the next time you feel stuck in fear ask yourself, am I seeking the truth or just proof of my fears? That one question it can change everything.

This week I challenge you to catch one fear driven thought. Write it down and ask, is there evidence against this belief that I'm ignoring? What's one positive perspective I can explore instead? And then finally, what would I tell a friend in my situation? I'd love to hear how this goes for you so please share your reflections with me in the After The Affair community on Facebook. You can join this using the link in the show notes or visit facebook.com forward slash groups forward slash After The Affair community and let us know what it is that you have been able to come up with on those questions.

Of course you can also send me a message on either Instagram at mylifecoachluke or drop me an email directly at luke at lifecoachluke.com and until next time please take care of yourself, keep moving forward on purpose and I'll see you next week.