120. Does Secrecy Breed Passion In An Affair?

What is it about an affair that feels so intoxicating? Is it the person, the connection, or is it something else entirely, like secrecy?

In this episode, let’s dive into the psychology and physiology behind the passion that often accompanies infidelity.

Discover how dopamine, adrenaline, and novelty create an addictive emotional cocktail, and why the thrill of secrecy can amplify feelings of desire. But here are the real questions: can secrecy breed passion, and can that same spark be reignited in a long-term relationship without the secrets?

Whether you’ve experienced an affair, are trying to rebuild your relationship, or simply want to understand how passion works, this episode offers insights and strategies for moving forward authentically.

Key Takeaways:

• The brain’s role in fueling passion during an affair.

• How “erotic space” and escapism shape the intensity of infidelity.

• The connection between limerence and the forbidden nature of affairs.

• Practical ways to reignite passion and curiosity in committed relationships.

💬 Reflection Question:

What would it look like to bring curiosity and vulnerability into your relationship to rekindle the spark?

Resources Mentioned:

• Episode 25: The Power Of Limerence

• "Mating in Captivity" by Esther Perel.

Connect with Luke:

• Website: www.lifecoachluke.com

• Instagram: @mylifecoachluke

• Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Episode Transcript:

Let me ask you this. Have you ever felt a rush so intense, so exhilarating, that it made the world itself seem to almost fade away? Maybe it was the anticipation of meeting someone that you shouldn't. The stolen glances.

The whispered conversations. For many, the passion tied to secrecy feels like nothing else. It's a fire that consumes.

A high that's almost impossible to replicate. But here's the big question. Is this passion real? Or is it just the allure of the forbidden? Today, I'm here to dive into the psychology and the physiology behind the passion of affairs.

Exploring why it feels so intense and what that might mean for your relationships moving forward. The After The Affair podcast with me, Luke Shillings, is here to help you process, decide, and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Together, we'll explore what's required to rebuild trust not only in yourself, but also with others.

Whether you stay or leave, I can help. And no matter what your story, there will be something here for you. Let's go.

Welcome, everybody. You're listening to the After The Affair podcast with myself, Luke Shillings. This is episode number 120.

So let's start with the basics. Why does secrecy amplify passion? When you're sneaking around, hiding your actions, or engaging in something taboo, your brain essentially becomes a kind of chemistry lab, brewing up a potent cocktail of feel-good chemicals. One of the main ingredients, dopamine, is the brain's reward chemical.

Dopamine is released when we anticipate something exciting or desirable, and it thrives on novelty, unpredictability, and the thrill of the unknown. Imagine this. You're texting somebody in secret.

Your heart's racing as you anticipate the next message. That anticipation alone is enough to trigger a dopamine rush. This is the same chemical that lights up when somebody wins the lottery or achieves a long-sought goal.

Your brain begins to associate these feelings of excitement with euphoria, with the person on the other end of those texts, even though it's really the circumstances, the secrecy, and the risk that could be creating that high. But dopamine doesn't work alone. Enter adrenaline, the hormone that kicks in when we experience something risky or thrilling.

Adrenaline sharpens your focus, quickens your heartbeat, and makes everything feel more alive. It's what fuels the exhilaration of a roller coaster or the thrill of narrowly escaping a close call. When combined with dopamine, adrenaline creates a feedback loop that heightens the emotional and physical intensity of the experience.

But here's where it gets tricky. This high is situational. It's not necessarily about the person you're with.

It's about the environment and the emotions that secrecy, risk, and anticipation create. The thrill of sneaking around, the excitement of breaking the rules, the rush of being seen in a way that you haven't been for years. All of that is tied to the secrecy and novelty of the situation.

Think of it like pouring fuel on a fire. That initial blaze is bright, intense, and captivating, but it burns out quickly without a sustainable source of fuel. Once the secrecy is gone, once the relationship becomes the heart of your daily routine rather than a forbidden escape, the fire, although not always, often dims.

What felt like passion was, in many cases, the allure of the forbidden and the chemistry of the moment, not necessarily a deep or lasting connection. This is why so many relationships born out of affairs struggle to maintain the same level of intensity once they step out of the shadows. Now let's address the elephant in the room.

This passion, it feels real. The talking, the laughing, the physical intimacy, it feels electric, like you've tapped into a part of yourself that you didn't even know existed. But why does it feel so alive? Well, part of the answer lies in the fact that an affair exists outside the mundane routines of everyday life.

Affairs typically take place in a context where there are no conversations about who's picking up the kids, fixing the boiler or cleaning the kitchen. Instead, you're meeting someone in a carefully crafted bubble of excitement and novelty, a world where the messiness of everyday life simply doesn't intrude. In that space, you're free to focus on the best version of yourself, playful, attentive, spontaneous.

It's an intoxicating contrast to the version of yourself weighed down by responsibilities and the predictability of long-term commitment. Relationship expert Esther Perel describes this as erotic space. It's the fertile ground where desire flourishes.

This isn't necessarily about the person that you're with, it's about the circumstances around them. The secrecy, the novelty, the freedom of the daily burdens, all of these combine to create an environment where passion can just run wild. In this space, you feel seen, you feel validated, and you're wanted.

You're wanted in ways that might be harder to access in a long-term relationship, weighed down by years of shared history and unspoken expectations. And that's before we add in any kind of resentment. But here's the hard truth.

Can that bubble survive in the real world? More often than not, the answer is actually no. Where the responsibilities, the routines and the realities of everyday life catch up to that passion, when the bubble bursts, the spark can often fade too. What felt like the most profound connection turns out to have been largely situational.

That said, I want to acknowledge that this isn't true in every case. Sometimes, despite everybody's judgments and expectations about how relationships should develop and evolve, there are times where an affair can grow into something more, and the connection between the two people involved in the affair can be deeper and more intense and more real and more true than any relationship that either of them have been in before. And although it doesn't seem right to say that a person found themselves in an affair, because at the end of the day, they are all as a consequence of decisions that have been made along the way, I think it is fair to say that the people often in the affair perhaps never predicted it or expected to find themselves in that situation.

And this reminds me of a concept that I know many listeners are familiar with, and it's a charged word, a charged term or meaning, and it's limerence. I dedicated an entire episode to this, I think it was episode 25, and it remains one of the most listened to episodes of this podcast. Limerence is often described as an intense emotional and physical attraction to someone, fuelled by obsessive thoughts and idealisation.

While not identical to the feelings in an affair, the parallels are clear. Both involve heightened emotions, obsessive thinking, and an almost addictive quality to the connection. The problem is that limerence, or this affair-fuelled passion, often creates division in the conversations surrounding infidelity.

Betrayed spouses frequently see limerence as a weak excuse, dismissing it as a way for unfaithful partners to absolve themselves of responsibility. On the other hand, unfaithful spouses may lean into the concept as a justification for their actions, framing it as something beyond their control. Both perspectives, while understandable, can create further divides instead of fostering healing, which ultimately is why we're all here.

What's important to recognise is that limerence, like the passion born of secrecy, is not necessarily a reflection of the relationship or the people involved. It's a response to the situation and the emotional needs that it appears to fulfil. Just as the erotic space of an affair thrives on freedom from the daily reality, limerence feeds off idealisation and fantasy.

Neither is built to withstand the weight of everyday life without significant effort and transformation. So the question becomes, what do we do with this information? How do we separate the situational passion of secrecy and limerence from authentic, sustainable intimacy? These are the deeper questions that we need to explore, both as individuals and in relationships, because while the feelings may be real, the story they tell us isn't always the full truth. Imagine this.

You and your affair partner decide to make the leap. The secrecy ends and you step into a quote-unquote normal relationship. Suddenly the thrill is gone.

Why? Because the novelty and the forbidden nature of the connection is no longer there to fuel the fire, perhaps? What's left is a relationship that has to stand on its own, without the dopamine highs of sneaking around. And this is where many people feel let down. The passion that they thought was real fades, leaving them wondering if it was ever even there at all.

This isn't to say that passion can't exist in a normal relationship. Obviously, it absolutely can. But it does require effort, it requires vulnerability and intentionality.

And you can't rely on secrecy to keep that fire burning. You have to build something real and lasting, brick by brick. So if secrecy isn't the answer, what is? How do you create that spark in a relationship where the mystery has long since faded, where the thrill of the unknown has been replaced by the comfort or monotony of familiarity? It begins with a fundamental understanding of what drives passion.

Passion thrives on novelty, curiosity and connection. In these early stages of any relationship, these elements are abundant. Everything feels new, the stories that you share, the experiences that you create, the way you see each other as individuals full of potential and mystery.

But as the relationship matures, routines can often take over. The curiosity that once fuelled your bond gives way to predictability. Even I sometimes think about the messages and the questions that I ask my partner.

How's work today? How's the cat? These really dull and mundane questions that makes you sometimes think, actually, there must be more to it than this. Whereas earlier on in the relationship, it was easy to think of new things to say, new things to ask, you're interested in things. You have to really dig deep and come up with something more creative to be able to maintain that passion and that spark and that interest.

To reignite passion, you need to disrupt this pattern, not by seeking excitement outside the relationship, but by rediscovering the layers of complexity and individuality within it. This starts with reintroducing curiosity. When was the last time you truly asked your partner about their dreams, their fears, or their hidden desires? Not the everyday logistics of life, but the deep, untapped parts of their inner world.

Even after decades together, there are always questions left unasked and stories left untold. But curiosity isn't just about conversation. It's about shared experiences too.

Trying something new together can reignite that spark of novelty. It doesn't have to be a grand gesture or anything extravagant. A weekend getaway to a place that you've never been, learning a skill like cooking or dancing together, or even rearranging a space in your home can create opportunities to connect in new ways.

The key is to step outside the familiar and allow yourselves to experience each other in a fresh light. And here's where it gets uncomfortable, but also transformative, because passion is deeply tied to vulnerability. The thrill of secrecy in an affair comes, in part, from the vulnerability of exposing yourself to someone new, of being seen in a way that feels raw and exciting.

But you can cultivate that same vulnerability in your existing relationship. It just requires courage. Open up about your fears, your insecurities, and your hopes.

Be honest about what you miss in the relationship and what excites you. True passion isn't about mystery, it's about intimacy, the kind that comes from being fully seen and accepted for who you are. Think of passion like a fire, and secrecy is like the fuel.

It creates a quick, intense blaze, but it burns out just as fast. Vulnerability, curiosity, and shared experiences, they are the wood, the oxygen, and the spark. They require more effort and care to sustain, but they build a fire that lasts, one that warms and nourishes over time.

The most exciting part is you don't have to wait for your partner to make the first move. You can start by being curious about yourself. What lights you up? What passions have you let fall to the wayside? What parts of you have been hidden or neglected in the name of routine? When you reignite your own spark, it naturally creates a space for your partner to join you in that energy.

Passion doesn't have to be lost to time. It just needs attention and intention to thrive. For those navigating the aftermath of an affair, understanding the roots of passion is crucial.

If you're the betrayed partner, you might wonder why your spouse felt something with their affair partner that they didn't feel with you. And if you're the unfaithful partner, you might question whether that passion was real or just a byproduct of the situation. The truth is passion born of secrecy is often fleeting.

Real connection, the kind that lasts, comes from authenticity, effort and shared growth. It's not about chasing a high. It's about building a foundation that can weather the storms of life.

Passion is powerful. It can make us feel alive, seen and desired in ways that nothing else can. But it's also a mirror reflecting the circumstances that we create.

The good news is whether you're healing from an affair or looking to reignite a spark in your relationship, passion isn't something that happens to you. It's something that you can cultivate. So ask yourself, what does passion look like in my life? Is it tied to secrecy and novelty? Or is it something that I'm building through connection and intention? And how can I create more of it in a way that aligns with my values and my relationships? If this episode resonated with you, I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Connect with me on Instagram at mylifecoachluke or join the conversation in the After The Affair community on Facebook. Link is in the show notes. And if, most importantly, you're ready to take the next step in your healing journey, visit lifecoachluke.com to learn how we can work together.

Thank you for spending this time with me today. Until next time, take care of yourself and each other. As always, I'll speak to you next week.