118. Christmas After Betrayal: Create Something New

Christmas can be a season filled with joy and connection, but for anyone navigating betrayal, it can also bring sadness, loneliness, and longing for what once was. This episode offers a compassionate space to reflect on the challenges of the holiday season while exploring ways to create moments of peace, hope, and even new traditions.

Whether you’re the betrayed partner, the unfaithful partner, or someone facing a Christmas that looks nothing like you imagined, this episode is here to remind you: It’s okay to feel what you’re feeling, and it’s possible to create something meaningful, even amidst the pain.

From my heart to yours, Luke Shillings.

Key Takeaways:

• Why Christmas often feels harder after betrayal and how to navigate it.

• Practical ways to care for yourself and reframe holiday expectations.

• How to focus on small, meaningful moments that bring comfort and hope.

• A reminder: Healing doesn’t require perfection, just a step forward.

💬 Reflection Question:

What’s one small, meaningful thing you can do for yourself today to create a sense of peace or connection?

If this episode resonates, share it with someone who might need a reminder that they’re not alone this holiday season.

Connect with Luke:

• Website: www.lifecoachluke.com

• Instagram: @mylifecoachluke

• Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Episode Transcript:

It's a time that's supposed to be filled with joy, togetherness and warmth. But let's be honest, if you're here listening to this right now, you might not be feeling any of that. And I want to tell you that that's okay.

Maybe you're sitting with your family, you're trying to keep up appearances for the kids. Maybe you're feeling the sting of loneliness, mourning what your family used to look like. Or maybe you're struggling to move forward after betrayal, wondering how this day became so heavy.

Wherever you are, however you're feeling, I want you to know that you're not alone. Christmas doesn't erase the pain. It doesn't magically make everything better.

But it can be an opportunity, a moment to pause, to reflect and to find small glimpses of peace, even in the midst of all the chaos. As we draw this year to a close, there's a real opportunity for reflection, so that we can make sense of the journey that we've come on, of the bumps in the roads that we've had to overcome, and ultimately trying to figure out ways in which we can start to redefine what Christmas and the holiday season looks like for us going forward. So let's talk about how.

The After The Affair podcast with me Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Together we'll explore what's required to rebuild trust, not only in yourself, but also with others. Whether you stay or leave, I can help.

And no matter what your story, there will be something here for you. Let's go. Welcome to this Christmas episode of the After The Affair podcast, episode number 118, and I'm your host Luke Shillings.

Hello everybody. The holidays are emotionally charged at the best of times. There's a pressure to feel festive, to make things magical, to create picture-perfect memories.

And when you're navigating betrayal, all of that pressure can feel unbearable. Christmas often represents love, connection and tradition, all the things that might feel out of reach right now. For you, if you are the betrayed partner, it can bring a wave of sadness, anger or even resentment.

It's a reminder of what was lost, of how trust has been broken. And then for couples who are trying to reconcile, it might feel like there's an added expectation to put on a happy face, to act normal for the sake of the family. And if you're separated or divorced, or just spending the day alone, the emptiness, it can feel even sharper.

The societal expectation to be merry can leave you feeling like you're failing, even if you're not. But here's the truth, you don't have to feel joyful today. It's okay to sit with your emotions, to acknowledge the heaviness of this season, and to give yourself permission to feel whatever it is that you're feeling.

So how do you navigate a day like this, when it feels so loaded? The answer isn't about pretending everything's fine, or forcing yourself to feel something that you don't. It's about showing up for yourself, in small meaningful ways. First, give yourself permission to feel.

The holidays don't erase your pain. Acknowledge it, sit with it. You're allowed to grieve, you're allowed to feel angry, even confused.

And ignoring those emotions will not make them go away. It just buries them deeper, so they can resurface later. Second, reframe your expectations.

Christmas doesn't have to be perfect. It doesn't have to look the way it always has. Focus on the small moments that feel meaningful to you.

Maybe it is just a quiet cup of coffee, a walk outside, or even just lighting a candle and taking a breath. Let go of the pressure to make everything magical. Third, create new traditions.

If old traditions feel too painful, give yourself permission to try something a little bit different. Order takeout instead of cooking a big meal. Watch a movie that you've never seen before.

Call a friend you haven't spoken to in a while. The goal isn't to replace the past, it's to create something that feels manageable and kind to yourself in the present. Fourth, prioritise self-care.

I say this over and over again. It's the foundation of everything that we do. And this might mean stepping away from social media, saying no to things that feel overwhelming, or simply allowing yourself some quiet time.

It's okay to put yourself first today. In fact, I actively encourage it. And then finally, focus on what is within your control.

You can't change what's already happened and you can't force anybody else's actions. You can choose how you care for yourself, how you respond to your emotions, and how you show up for people that matter to you the most. To the betrayed partners listening today, I see you.

I know this day might feel heavy. I remember my first. You might be sitting with a swirl of emotions, grief, anger, sadness, confusion.

Maybe you're trying to hold it together for your kids or for the sake of tradition. Maybe you're questioning everything about your relationship or feeling the weight of all that's changed. Here's what I want you to know.

You don't owe anyone a performance. Your healing matters and it's okay to take this day moment by moment. If you feel like crying, cry.

If you need space, take it. If you just want to get through the day, that's enough. You are enough.

For the unfaithful partners, this day might feel just as heavy for you. You might be sitting with the guilt, the shame, or maybe the uncertainty. Wondering how to show up when so much has been broken.

All the judgement from the family. Is this even going to be able to be repaired if that's something that's trying to be done between the two of you? Or maybe you're sat lonely thinking, what have I done? I've now made these decisions. I've made these choices.

Now it feels like I have neither option available to me. Maybe you're feeling the weight of wanting to make things right, but just not knowing how. Here's what I want you to hear.

Healing takes time for you and for your partner. Today isn't about fixing everything. It's about being present.

It's about taking responsibility and about showing your commitment through your actions, not just your words. Be patient with yourself. Be patient with your partner.

The effort you make today matters. Christmas is about more than perfection. It's about connection, love, and hope.

Even those small things that feel far away right now. Healing doesn't happen in a single day, but every small choice that you make, whether it's being kind to yourself, reaching out to somebody you trust, or simply getting through the day. All of these choices, they matter.

So what's one small thing that you can do for yourself today? Maybe it's taking a moment to breathe deeply. Maybe it's focussing on gratitude for something. No matter how small, maybe it's just allowing yourself to rest.

Whatever it is, know that that's enough. As we wrap up, I want to remind you of something that's truly important. The holiday season isn't about grand gestures or perfect moments.

It's about finding meaning in the small, often unexpected things. It could be the laughter of your kids over something silly, a message from a friend reminding you that they care, or even a quiet comfort from a warm drink in your hands. There's something about this season that invites reflection and gratitude, even in the hardest of times.

So take a moment to think about something, anything that brings you even the tiniest bit of joy today. Maybe it's the smell of the pine from the tree, the twinkle of the lights on your street, or just the fact that you've made it through another year. A year that's tested you, challenged you, and yet here you are.

That is worth celebrating. If you can, lean into these small moments. Let them remind you that even in the midst of the pain, there's still hope.

There's plenty of space for it, space for love, and for the possibility of brighter days ahead. Wherever you are right now, whether you're surrounded by family, feeling the sting of loneliness, or you're just trying to make it through, I want you to know this. You are not alone.

This day doesn't define you. Your pain doesn't define you. You are stronger than you think, and healing is possible.

Take that breath, be kind to yourself, and remember there's hope. Even when it feels far away, from my heart to yours, I wish you peace this Christmas, in whatever form that takes. Thank you ever so much for being here, and really, honestly, take care of yourself, and I'll speak to you all very soon.