116. Religion and Betrayal: A Match made in Hell

Religion often has a lot to say about infidelity: forgive, stay, move on. But what if these teachings complicate, rather than heal, the emotional devastation of betrayal? In this episode, I explore the intersection of faith and infidelity, unpacking the pressures placed on both the betrayed and the unfaithful partner.

Whether you’re navigating the expectations of your faith or questioning the role of religion in your recovery, this episode is for you. It’s not about judgment; it’s about understanding and finding a way forward.

Key Takeaways:

• Religion can offer comfort, but it can also create pressure to forgive and stay in ways that might not align with personal healing.

• Cultural and religious norms around infidelity are not universal, there is no single “rulebook” for betrayal.

• Both betrayed and unfaithful partners deserve space to process, heal, and grow without being reduced to their worst moments.

• The importance of finding a path to healing that aligns with your values while honouring your emotional truth.

💬 Reflection Question:

What role has your faith played in your healing journey after infidelity?

Connect with Luke:

• Website: www.lifecoachluke.com

• Instagram: @mylifecoachluke

• Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Episode Transcript:

When it comes to infidelity, religion often has a lot to say about forgiveness, duty and even the unfaithful partner's redemption. But what happens when these teachings create more pressure than healing? What happens when the betrayed feel trapped by the weight of religious expectations and the unfaithful partner becomes defined by their worst mistake? In this episode we're diving into the complex relationship between religion and betrayal. Whether you've been told to forgive, to stay for the sake of your vows or to suffer in silence, the intersection of faith and infidelity can be like a double-edged sword.

I also want to explore something less often discussed, how religion and societal norms treat the unfaithful partner, from being cast as irredeemable sinners to navigating shame and stigma. We'll ask, does this actually help anybody grow? Or does it perpetuate cycles of guilt and secrecy? And let's not forget about the cultural variations in how infidelity is perceived. What's considered taboo in one society might be approached with nuance or even acceptance in another.

These differing perspectives raise an important question. How much of our beliefs about infidelity are truly ours? And how much have they been shaped by the cultures and religions that we've grown up in? No matter your faith or background, this episode isn't about judgement, it's about understanding. Understanding the role religion plays in the healing process.

Understanding the humanity of both the betrayed and the unfaithful. And most importantly, understanding how to navigate betrayal in a way that aligns with your values, your healing and your truth. Let's start the conversation.

The After The Affair podcast with me Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Together we'll explore what's required to rebuild trust, not only in yourself, but also with others. Whether you stay or leave, I can help.

And no matter what your story, there will be something here for you. Let's go. Hello and welcome to episode number 116 of the After The Affair podcast.

I'm your host Luke Shillings. Religion often acts as a compass in many people's lives, guiding them through challenges and offering a sense of purpose. But after betrayal, that same compass can feel like it's spinning out of control.

Many religious teachings emphasise forgiveness as a cornerstone of faith. Forgiveness is beautiful and powerful, but when it's demanded too soon, it can feel like a betrayal of yourself. It's not just forgiveness, it's the pressure to stay married, to put family above all else, to avoid the so-called sin of divorce.

For some, these teachings offer a sense of clarity, forgive and move forward. But for others, they invalidate the depth of their pain, leaving them stuck in a cycle of guilt and shame for feeling hurt, angry or even considering leaving the relationship. It's like trying to build a house while the foundation is still crumbling.

Faith might give you a blueprint, but if you don't address the cracks, the house won't stand. Before we dive deeper, I want to share my own perspective on this. Not as a religious scholar or someone steeped in faith or traditions, but as someone who grew up outside of those structures.

I was christened as a child, but I didn't grow up in a typically religious family. Church wasn't part of my upbringing and if I'm honest, I had a somewhat uncomfortable relationship with religion for many years. As a teenager, I noticed something that really stood out to me.

Children of religious parents were far more likely to grow up sharing those same beliefs and it just felt like too much of a coincidence to me back then. And I interpreted it as faith being more about upbringing and environment than something that was inherently true. And it left me questioning and for a long time I kept a certain distance from it.

But as I've grown older, I've come to understand religion and the people who practise it in a much more open and empathetic way. I can now see the comfort, the strength and the community that faith can provide and at the same time, for the sake of full transparency, I also happen to think that everyone on some level is agnostic. Whether you believe in a god or not, none of us can know for sure, can we? To me, atheism can sometimes feel like a denial of experience, a refusal to acknowledge the unknowable.

After all, even the absence of a belief by definition is a belief and so while I don't identify with any specific faith, I do approach this topic with a deep respect for the role that faith plays in people's lives, especially when they're navigating something as painful and personal as betrayal. Let's break this down further. What happens when religion imposes expectations that don't align with your emotional reality? For example, the pressure to forgive can be suffocating.

If you're being told that forgiveness is the only way to be a good person, it's easy to feel like you're failing when you're still angry, hurt or confused. Forgiveness is a process, it's not something you can just check off the list because somebody else says it's time. Then there's the expectation to stay in the marriage at all costs.

Religious communities often emphasise the sanctity of marriage, urging couples to work through even with the deepest betrayals and while this advice might come from the place of love, it can also trap people in unhealthy or even unsafe situations, prioritising appearances over genuine healing. And let's not forget the concept of marital duty. Some teachings suggest that a spouse has a responsibility to fulfil their partner's needs physically, emotionally, spiritually, no matter what.

For the betrayed, this can feel like salt in the wound, as if their pain is secondary to the idea of maintaining a perfect marriage. I've seen both sides of this. For some, faith becomes their lifeline.

It's where they find strength, where they find community and where they find hope. But for others, it can feel like a cage, a set of rigid rules that demand more than they are ready or able to give. I once worked with somebody who said their religious leader had told them that divorce wasn't an option because God hates divorce.

They felt trapped, not just by their relationship but by their faith. The healing process didn't begin until they realised that honouring their pain and choosing what was right for them wasn't a betrayal of their faith, it was an expression of it. When we discuss infidelity, the narrative often centres around the betrayed partner, their pain, their journey, their healing.

Betrayal is a deeply wounding experience, I know, but what about the unfaithful partner? How does religion and society at large perceive them? In many religious frameworks, infidelity is not just a moral failing, it's one of the gravest sins. Adulterers are often depicted as inherently flawed, selfish or even irredeemable. The focus is placed on repentance, punishment and enduring shame, sometimes at the expense of recognising the unfaithful partner's humanity.

Religion plays a significant role in shaping societal views on infidelity. For example, in Christianity, the seventh commandment explicitly forbids adultery and the bible describes harsh consequences for those who betray their marital vows. In Islam, infidelity is also condemned with strict guidelines around fidelity and marital duty.

In many traditional interpretations, there is little room for nuance or even context. Infidelity is wrong, end of story. But here's the thing, infidelity doesn't exist in a vacuum.

It's not just about one person's poor choices or moral failings. Often it arises from unmet emotional needs, disconnection or struggles within the individual or the relationship. When religion focusses solely on punishment and shame, it can strip away the opportunity for deeper understanding.

While Western cultures, heavily influenced by Judeo-Christian values, tend to treat infidelity as a moral taboo, other cultures and societies take a different approach. For example, in some traditional African societies, polygamy is culturally accepted and normalised even. In these contexts, extramarital relationships may not carry the same stigma because the cultural framework allows for multiple partners within specific boundaries.

In certain European countries, infidelity is often seen as a personal issue rather than a societal or religious one. Some even may view it as a symptom of other relational challenges rather than an unforgivable act. Conversely, in some strict religious societies, infidelity is met with severe legal or social consequences, including public shaming or ostracisation.

What these variations reveal is that there is no universal standard for what constitutes infidelity or how it should be addressed. The rules and reactions are deeply tied to cultural, religious and social norms. When religion and society treat infidelity as an unforgivable thing, the unfaithful partner is often reduced to their worst action.

This creates a binary where they are bad and the betrayed partner is good. And while this might make for a clear narrative, it's rarely helpful in the healing process. Shame has a way of pushing people further into destructive patterns.

When someone feels judged, isolated or irredeemable, they're less likely to confront the root causes of their behaviour. They're less likely to take responsibility in a meaningful way and they're far less likely to grow. Instead of framing infidelity purely in terms of morality, what if we approached it with curiosity? What were the unmet needs or unresolved issues that led to the betrayal? What can be learned from this experience, not just for the unfaithful partner but for the relationship as a whole? This isn't about excusing infidelity.

It's about recognising that human behaviour is complex, it's messy and it's often driven by factors that we just don't fully understand. Infidelity may be a poor choice but it's rarely an isolated one. By shifting the focus from condemnation to exploration, we can open the door to accountability, healing or perhaps even forgiveness.

It's worth asking, how can religious teachings, so often rooted in compassion and redemption, be reframed to support healing rather than punishment? How can we create a space where both partners can navigate the aftermath of betrayal without losing their humanity in the process? These are tough questions but they're worth asking because at the end of the day, infidelity is part of the human story and if we can approach it with empathy and understanding rather than shame and judgement, we might find a way to grow stronger, not just as individuals but as communities and cultures. So how do you navigate betrayal when religion is part of the equation? Well first, it's perhaps worth remembering faith isn't about ignoring your pain. True faith confronts pain with honesty and courage.

It's okay to question the teachings or expectations that don't serve your healing. Your faith can evolve with you, it's not a static set of rules. Second, seek support that aligns with both your faith and your emotional needs.

This might mean finding a faith-based therapist or joining a support group within your religious community or speaking with a spiritual advisor who prioritises compassion over rigidity. Finally, give yourself permission to redefine what forgiveness, duty or even marriage means to you. Your journey is yours alone and you are allowed to make choices that honour your well-being.

Forgiveness doesn't mean that you have to reconcile. Staying doesn't mean ignoring your pain and leaving doesn't mean that you're abandoning your faith. Betrayal shakes the foundation of everything you know, your relationship, your trust and sometimes even your faith.

But here is the truth, healing doesn't mean choosing between faith and your emotional health, it means finding a path that honours both. Religion can be a source of incredible strength but only when it supports your healing instead of stifling it. Whether faith feels like a comfort or a cage right now, know that you have the power to reshape your journey in a way that feels authentic and true to you.

If anything that you've heard today has resonated and you'd like to let me know or connect or share your story even, then please reach out. You can contact me at lifecoachluke.com or you can follow me or contact me on one of my social channels using the hashtag at mylifecoachluke. I hope you all have an amazing week and I look forward to talking to you all very soon.