115. Staying for the Kids: Parenting After Betrayal

"Staying for the kids" is a phrase loaded with expectation and sacrifice. But is staying in a relationship after betrayal truly the noble choice? Or could it be teaching your children lessons about love, self-worth, and authenticity that you never intended?

This episode is a must-listen for any parent navigating infidelity and wondering how to make the right decision for their family’s future. Join me as I unpack the complexities of parenting after betrayal and how to model resilience and authenticity for your children.

Key Takeaways:

• The societal mantra of “staying for the kids” and why it’s not always the best path.

• The hidden costs of staying in an inauthentic relationship.

• How children absorb lessons about love and self-worth from their parents’ actions, not just their words.

• The long-term impact of prioritizing emotional health and authenticity over appearances.

💬 Reflection Questions:

What message do I think my current relationship dynamic is sending to my children about love, respect, and self-worth? What are the emotional and relational costs of staying that I may be downplaying or avoiding?

Connect with Luke:

• Website: www.lifecoachluke.com

• Instagram: @mylifecoachluke

• Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Episode Transcript:

How many times have you heard it, or maybe you've even said it yourself, of staying for the kids? It's a statement that carries so much weight, so much perceived nobility, but what if I told you that staying in a broken relationship for the kids might not be as selfless or beneficial as it seems? What if, instead, it's teaching them lessons about love, self-worth, and happiness that you'd never want them to carry into their own lives? Today, I'm challenging one of the most deeply ingrained narratives about parenting after betrayal. The idea that staying together for the kids is always the right thing to do. So, let's explore what this really means for you, your children, and your future.

The After The Affair podcast with me, Luke Shillings, is here to help you process, decide, and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Together, we'll explore what's required to rebuild trust, not only in yourself, but also with others. Whether you stay or leave, I can help.

And no matter what your story, there will be something here for you. Let's go. Welcome back to the After The Affair podcast.

You're listening to episode number 115. I'm your host, Luke Shillings. We've all heard the societal mantra, children need both parents under the same roof to thrive.

It sounds so noble, doesn't it? I mean, who wouldn't want to provide their kids with a picture-perfect image of a stable, intact family? But let's pause for a moment and really unpack this idea. What actually are we defining as stable? Is a home truly stable if there's tension thick enough to cut with a knife? If every conversation between the parents feels like a ticking time bomb? Or if there's a cold, unspoken distance between two people who are supposed to model love and partnership? Here's a harder question. Is it stable when one or both parents are silently suffering, suppressing their needs and desires just to keep up appearances? On the outside, it might look like stability, a tidy house, family dinners, maybe even the occasional forced smile at a school event.

But what about the energy children absorb when they're living in a home where authenticity has been replaced with pretence? Kids are far more perceptive than we often give them credit for. They don't need to overhear an argument to know that something's wrong. They feel it in the silence, in the tension, in the way that their parents interact or avoid interacting.

And what's the cost of this so-called stability? If the only thing holding the family together is the illusion of staying for the kids, it's not the kids who benefit. Instead, they learn to mirror what they see. They grow up believing that love is supposed to feel heavy, disconnected or resigned.

They internalise the message that keeping the peace is more important than being true to yourself. And when they step into their own relationships later in life, guess what? Those patterns repeat. So the question isn't just whether you're staying together under one roof.

It's about what kind of environment you're creating within those walls. Are you giving your kids a home filled with connection, honesty and emotional health? Or are you showing them that stability means sacrificing your own happiness and settling for a life that feels anything but authentic? Now, don't get me wrong. These are hard questions to ask and even harder to answer.

But they're crucial. Because staying for the kids might seem selfless on the surface. But if it comes at the expense of modelling what a loving relationship looks like, the cost may be higher than you think.

Here's the hard truth. Kids don't just listen to what you say. They watch what you do.

They absorb it. They're learning every single day from how you treat yourself, how you treat your partner and how you allow yourself to be treated. Staying in an inauthentic relationship just teaches them something entirely unintended.

Maybe it teaches them that suppressing their own needs and happiness is normal. That settling for a relationship where love and respect are absent is, well, acceptable. That sacrificing your well-being for the sake of others is the right thing to do.

It's honourable. And while kids are resilient, they are also extremely impressionable. They're like sponges.

Do you want them to grow up believing that this version of love is what they should aspire to? Now, I know what some of you might be thinking. But isn't divorce worse for the kids? Or shouldn't I just wait until they're older? They've got their exams coming up. Won't they feel abandoned if I leave? These are, of course, valid concerns.

And I'm not here to downplay the complexity of the decision. Divorce is a big deal. It's a change that affects the whole family.

And it's natural to fear how it might impact your children. But here's the thing. Kids thrive in environments where the parents are emotionally healthy, where they're emotionally available, whether those parents are together or not.

Studies have repeatedly shown that children in homes filled with unresolved tension or emotional disconnection are far more likely to develop issues in their own relationships later in life. On the flip side, kids with parents who model healthy boundaries, self-respect and emotional growth tend to do much better in the long run. It's not the act of separating that harms kids.

It's how you handle it. Another common thought is, I'll just stay until the kids are older and then I'll leave. But here's what often happens.

The longer you wait, the deeper the patterns of disconnection and unhappiness become. By the time your kids are older, they may have spent years watching an unhealthy relationship dynamic unfold. And it shaped their understanding of what love and self-worth is.

Think of it like planting seeds. Every day you're planting seeds in your child's mind about what relationships look like, what's acceptable and how they should value themselves. Perhaps you're not sleeping in the marital bed anymore.

Maybe you're on the sofa. Maybe you're in the spare room. This has been going on for months.

You've tried to hide it by going to bed after the kids do. But of course, as the kids grow up, they come down and get a drink in the night and they see. This is not hidden.

It's not out of sight. And no matter how good a job you think you're doing, the likelihood the kids know. So are the seeds that you're planting now, the ones that you want them to carry into their future relationships? So what's the alternative? It's about living authentically and prioritising your emotional health.

But not just for your sake. Also for your kids. When they see you valuing yourself, setting boundaries and choosing life aligned with your truth, you're teaching them some of the most important lessons they will ever learn.

I've said this before multiple times and I will say it again. One of the biggest shifts for me in my own recovery journey, having divorced and then moved out of the family home, was when I realised that I was the most important person in my life. And by really prioritising myself, the kids got the best version of me anyway.

You're showing them that it's okay to make hard decisions. That self-worth matters. That love is about connection, respect and authenticity, not just proximity.

These are lessons that will shape their future in profound ways. Let me paint you a picture. Imagine two families.

In the first, the parents stay together after betrayal. But the house is filled with a kind of quiet tension. The smiles are somewhat forced.

The laughter is rare. The kids grow up sensing that something's off but they can't quite put their finger on it and as time goes by it just becomes kind of normal. They go into adulthood with a distorted idea of what a relationship should look like.

In the second family, the parents separate. It's hard at first. But over time, the parents find their footing.

They co-parent respectfully. They show up for their kids' milestones. And most importantly, they're happy.

The kids grow up seeing their parents as whole, authentic individuals who made tough choices but for the right reasons. Which family do you think gives their kids the best chance at healthy relationships in the future? Now, this isn't about telling you to stay or to leave. That is always a deeply personal decision that only you can make.

But what I do want to do is challenge you to reflect. What kind of lessons are you modelling for your kids right now? What do you want them to carry into their own lives and their relationships? And most importantly, are you living those lessons yourself? If the answer is no, maybe, maybe it's time to consider what needs to change. Not just for your kids, but for you.

Because when you live authentically, when you show up as your own truest, healthiest self, you give your children the greatest gift you could ever give them. A parent who leads by example and who is present. Staying for the kids sounds noble, but sometimes the noblest thing you can possibly do is show them what it looks like to value yourself, to face hard truths, and to live a life of authenticity.

Whether that means staying or going, the most important thing here is that you're modelling what a healthy, fulfilling relationship should look like. Thank you ever so much again for joining me on today's episode. If this resonated with you, I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Leave a comment or drop me an email at luke at lifecoachluke.com If you want to take this conversation off the airwaves, then come over and join us at the After The Affair community. You can find us on Facebook at facebook.com forward slash groups forward slash After The Affair community. I'll pop the link in the show notes as always.

So thank you ever so much. Have an amazing week. Take care of yourselves and each other and I'll talk to you very soon.