112. Redefining Manhood: Purpose, Identity, and the Role of Infidelity

In this episode of After the Affair, we’re exploring a question that many men find themselves asking but few know how to answer: What does it mean to be a man today?

As gender roles evolve and the traditional definitions of success and purpose shift, men are left to find new ways to build identity, self-worth, and connection.

For some, these uncertainties can lead to choices like infidelity, decisions often rooted in a lack of fulfilment, identity confusion, or the need for external validation.

Join me as I dive into the challenges facing modern men, how traditional roles of provider and protector have transformed, and why a strong sense of purpose is essential in both relationships and self-discovery. This episode isn’t about reclaiming outdated standards but about navigating the complex path of redefining what manhood means today.

This episode will leave you with questions, insights, and encouragement to create a path that aligns with who you truly are.

Key Takeaways:

• The Evolving Role of Men: Why traditional sources of purpose are shifting and what this means for identity and relationships.

• Infidelity as a Symptom: How a lack of self-worth and unclear identity can lead to seeking validation outside of a committed relationship.

• Finding Fulfillment Beyond Old Roles: New ways men can build purpose that resonates today, through vulnerability, connection, and redefining success.

• A Challenge to Reflect: An invitation for listeners to think about what purpose looks like in their own lives, beyond societal expectations.

💬 Reflection Questions:

In what ways have you defined your identity based on traditional ideas of manhood? Are these definitions still serving you today?

Connect with Luke:

• Website: www.lifecoachluke.com

• Instagram: @mylifecoachluke

• Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Episode Transcript:

The After the Affair podcast with me Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Together we'll explore what's required to rebuild trust not only in yourself but also with others. Whether you stay or leave I can help and no matter what your story there will be something here for you.

Let's go! Hello and welcome to another episode of The After the Affair podcast. I'm your host Luke Shillings and you're listening to episode number 112. What is the role of a man in 2024? In a world where traditional markers seem to have shifted how do men find purpose? How do they find meaning and self-worth? Let me clarify right from the start this episode isn't about reclaiming old standards or pushing back against the progress that society has made.

Instead it's about exploring what it truly means to be a man in a rapidly evolving world. Today I want to challenge the idea that the changing roles in society must mean a loss of purpose for men. Let's rethink it, explore it and maybe even find a new path that resonates more deeply.

I want to begin by acknowledging the impact of feminism. It's a movement that has created immense opportunities for equality and empowerment. Feminism has opened doors, it's expanded choices and it's made space for perspectives that benefit everyone, not just women.

Think about it, more women in leadership, healthier family dynamics and stronger economies. It's important to notice though that women gaining opportunity and equality could represent just one side of a set of scales, one that is rising. This does not however mean that men should exist on the other side of these scales and therefore be in decline.

In his book of boys and men Richard Reeves, a writer and researcher on social issues, speaks about this progress in terms of mutual elevation. It's not about one gender winning while the other loses. When women are empowered families communities and economies flourish.

But this progress also brings about shifts that affect everybody, including men. The question becomes how do men fit into this new world? With traditional roles like provider or protector less emphasised than before, many men feel adrift, they feel uncertain about their place or their purpose. And this isn't just a minor identity crisis, it's a significant challenge affecting men's personal lives, relationships and their mental health.

And with suicide being the leading cause of death for men under the age of 50 in the UK, this is not something that we can just ignore. If we dig a little deeper into these challenges we find that for generations society has given men a straightforward path. Work hard, provide for your family and you'll be respected.

For many men this formula provided a sense of purpose and self-worth. Whether in blue-collar jobs, the military or corporate roles, countless men built their identity around being a provider. And it wasn't just about the income, it was about having a defined role that added structure and meaning to their lives.

But in today's world these traditional roles are evolving. With economic shifts and the rise of dual income households men are no longer always the primary or sole breadwinners. In some families the role of provider is shared and in others women are earning more than their male partners.

For men who grew up equating their worth with their ability to provide, these shifts can lead to a lingering question. If this role isn't essential anymore then what value do I bring? Consider for example a man who spent years in a high-paying demanding job, taking pride in supporting his family. When his partner's career takes off and her earnings surpass his, he might initially feel proud of her success but soon notices a growing discomfort.

The dynamics have shifted and he finds himself wondering if I'm not the main provider then what is my role? This shift can subtly impact his self-esteem even if his partner hasn't changed her view of him. Without that familiar role he may start to feel less significant or valued. Or imagine someone retiring after a long career in a high-stakes responsibility driven role.

This individual has spent years embodying strength, dedication and protection but once retirement hit the need for those qualities feel less immediate, leaving him grappling with a sense of worthlessness he hadn't even anticipated. The transition away from his career can create a void making him feel stripped of his identity, as if a vital part of him no longer fits into this daily life. These shifts can have profound effects.

When a man's identity has been tied to a pay cheque, a title or a role and that role shifts or worse still disappears, a sense of lost is almost inevitable. The modern man may find himself asking what do I bring to the table now? And when that question remains unanswered it can lead to feelings of aimlessness that impact not only his self-worth but also his relationships. Without a strong sense of purpose or identity some men might start looking for ways to feel valued again, perhaps by seeking validation outside of the home or making impulsive career changes in hopes of filling that void.

In reality many men are navigating this change. It may seem like a private internal struggle but the ripple effects are real. When men feel disconnected from a role that wants to find them they may unintentionally disconnect from the people around them as well.

The question of purpose goes deeper than just identity. It's foundational to self-worth, resilience and the way that men relate to the world and their relationships. And let's not miss out here, I've seen so many times in my own life where it's just this topic just even talking about this doesn't necessarily feel safe.

Women have made such progress in the last few decades which has been amazing. Women form the most important people in my life. I was brought up in a predominantly female environment and I think that equality is a wonderful thing but hearing messages like women don't need men is not something that most men have had time to really catch up with and fully understand.

It's like what does that mean for them? What does that leave for them? How do they find a sense of purpose in their relationships and in their life? Talking about relationships, when a person's sense of purpose and identity is shaken to its core it doesn't just stay internal, it inevitably spills over. Relationships are built on the stability and strength that we bring to them so when that inner foundation feels unsteady it can impact the partnership in ways we might not even realise. When you're feeling uncertain about your worth or unclear about who you are it's easy to start looking outside of yourself for validation, for something to fill that gap or give you a sense of grounding.

Sometimes this can lead to damaging behaviours including infidelity and to be clear this isn't about excusing infidelity, far from it, but it's about recognising that there's often a deeper emotional context. When someone feels like they've lost their sense of direction or purpose it's almost like they're drifting without an anchor and that can lead them to choices that ultimately hurt themselves and those around them. This loss of purpose or lack of grounding can be so destabilising that it creates a restless search for fulfilment anywhere it might be found.

Unfortunately that anywhere can sometimes mean looking for validation in ways that can cause significant harm to themselves and to the people around them whether through an affair or other impulsive decisions. What makes this dynamic even more complex is that a quick external fix, be it attention from someone new or something else entirely, doesn't solve the deeper issue. It can be an instant rush, a temporary relief, but it's like trying to fill a well with sand.

The need for validation goes much deeper than can be found on the surface and ultimately these quick fixes don't resolve the core problem. That emptiness, the feeling of disconnection, it's still there even if it's temporarily masked by something that feels gratifying in the moment. Reflecting on this brings up a question or reminds me of a question that I was asked recently.

If I could choose to come into today's world as either a man or a woman, which would I? And surprisingly, even to myself, that answer isn't as obvious as I once thought it would be. Because with all the progress that we're seeing and all the changes in gender roles, it's clear that navigating purpose, identity and fulfilment isn't simple for anyone. It's a challenging time for both men and women as we try to find balance in a rapidly evolving world.

The expectations, the pressures and the shifting definitions of success and identity, these are complex for everybody to navigate and they come with their own unique set of struggles for both genders. Now let's just shift gears a little bit and talk about some solutions. If traditional markers of success and purpose are evolving, then perhaps it's time we redefine what purpose and success even look like.

Just because society has moved away from certain roles doesn't mean that men have to lose their sense of direction or worth. Let's think about some ways in which men could start to reframe their purpose in today's world. First, let's move beyond the provider role.

Purpose doesn't have to be tied to financial contribution alone. There's immense value in being a present partner, a nurturing father or a reliable friend. These roles are equally critical and they're deeply fulfilling in ways that don't always show up on a pay cheque or performance review.

Being a partner who supports growth or a parent who's involved isn't a secondary role. It's just as important as anything else. In fact, I would argue it's more important.

Second, embrace vulnerability as strength. This isn't about being soft. It's about being honest with yourself and others about who you are, what you feel and what you need.

Vulnerability doesn't make you weak. It makes you more connected, more authentic and when you show up authentically in your relationships, you build bonds that are far more resilient. And finally, let's redefine our metrics of success.

It doesn't have to be about how much you earn or how high up the ladder you climb. Success can come from growth in your relationship, from creating a family environment where everybody feels supported or from building a life that feels meaningful. Imagine shifting your goal from being the best to being the most fulfilled.

That's a really powerful and freeing change. As we wrap up, I want to leave you with this thought. Finding purpose as a modern man isn't about reclaiming the old ways or rejecting progress.

It's about discovering where you feel most connected and where you can contribute meaningfully in whatever way that resonates for you. Society's progress doesn't mean that we have to give something up. It just means we have new ways to grow.

The opportunity is there to redefine what being a man means, to live with purpose that aligns with who you truly are rather than just fulfilling outdated roles. If you're feeling lost or uncertain, know that you're not alone. Reflect on the impact you want to have both in your life and the lives of those that you love.

So here's my challenge for you. Take a moment today to think about what truly fulfils you outside of what society has told you to be. What does purpose look like for you in 2024 as a man? What role do you want to play in your own life story? And to the women listening, how do you want to think about the men in your life based on everything we've discussed? And I'm not just talking about your partners, I'm talking about your sons and your brothers and your colleagues.

How do you want to view these people in an evolving world? Let this be the first step toward finding a purpose that feels true for you as a man and for the men in your life as a woman. This is just the very beginning of a much larger conversation. If you've enjoyed this episode then please rate it, leave a review, give it five stars or share it with somebody who you think might benefit.

It's an absolute pleasure as always to be here and I can't wait to speak to you all again next week. Take care and bye for now.