109. You Cheated, So Why Am I the One Fixing Things? (1/3)

In this episode of After the Affair, we dive into a frustrating dynamic that many betrayed partners face after infidelity: the unfair expectation that they should be the ones to fix the relationship.

You didn’t break it, so why is it your job to pick up the pieces?

We’ll explore the imbalance that happens when the betrayed partner is left carrying the emotional weight, expected to forgive and move forward, while the unfaithful partner seems off the hook.

This episode is the first part of a three-part mini-series where we’re exploring the imbalance that often lingers after infidelity, both in relationships that stay together and in those that don’t.

Key Takeaways:

The Obligation Swing:

• Why does the betrayed partner feel like they’re the one tasked with fixing the relationship?

The Emotional Burden of the Betrayed:

• How this imbalance can lead to resentment and hinder real healing.

What Happens When One Partner Refuses to Take Responsibility:

• The impact on the relationship when the unfaithful partner doesn’t share the burden of healing.

  
  

💬 Reflection Questions:

Are you taking on more than your fair share of responsibility for fixing the relationship? How can you reclaim balance?

Next Episode Teaser:

In the next episode, we’ll flip the script and look at the other side: what happens when the unfaithful partner is doing everything right, but the betrayed partner remains closed off. We’ll explore why this imbalance can be just as difficult to navigate.

Connect with Luke:

• Website: www.lifecoachluke.com

• Instagram: @mylifecoachluke

• Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Episode Transcript:

The After The Affair podcast with me Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Together we'll explore what's required to rebuild trust not only in yourself but also with others. Whether you stay or leave I can help and no matter what your story there will be something here for you.

Let's go! Hello everybody and welcome back to the After The Affair podcast. You're listening to episode number 109. I'm your host Luke Shillings and for those of you who are new around here you might be wondering how it is that I come up with the different topics to explore and discuss on this podcast.

Well it's a good question. Some might think it was just random but it rarely is. It is usually driven by the conversations that I'm having both with my one-to-one coaching clients, for the topics that exist in my Facebook group and just generally the conversations that I'm part of amongst people or witness over the course of the week leading up to me recording each individual episode.

I have spent time trying to plan lots of episodes in advance and I don't really like it. I prefer to be more responsive and reactive to the information that comes to me and then I feel like I can offer a more genuine, thoughtful and well-researched perspective on each individual topic. And today is no different.

I have been hearing the same story over and over again and this is the story that I like to call the obligation swing. This is where, essentially, when infidelity happens it's the unfaithful partner who chooses to betray the trust in the relationship. Yet somehow the burden to fix things often swings to the betrayed partner.

It becomes their job to forgive, their job to get over it and to hold everything together. It creates this, at least perceived, unfairness and it can be an exhausting imbalance where one person is left carrying the weight of something that they didn't even break. And here's what makes it even harder.

If you are the betrayed partner you can't control what the unfaithful partner does. You can't make them take responsibility or force them to understand the pain that they caused. You can't heal for them and when they don't seem to be willing to put in the work it can leave you feeling stuck, resentful and wondering if the relationship is even worth saving.

Now if you're the unfaithful partner listening to this I encourage you to stay with me through this episode even if it's uncomfortable to hear because at the end of this conversation I'm going to preview something that we'll dive into next week. What do you do when you're doing all the right things but your efforts don't seem to be making any difference? It's an episode focused on your perspective and what happens when you're trying but the relationship still feels stuck. So today let's dig into the obligation swing and what it means and how both partners can approach the healing process together.

So the idea of the obligation swing I like to think of it a little bit like a seesaw. You've got two people on it each holding equal weight and in a healthy relationship both people are balancing their weight, supporting each other and the seesaw moves smoothly up and down. But when infidelity happens it's like the unfaithful partner places a huge weight on the betrayed partner's side of the seesaw and then just expects them to hold it.

The relationship becomes lopsided and all the weight shifts on to the betrayed. Suddenly it's on them to forgive, to let go of their pain, to decide whether to stay or to leave and ultimately to hold the entire relationship together. And what does that lead to? Well resentment often, burnout and a feeling ultimately of just being trapped in a situation where you can't win.

It's not just the pain of the betrayal, it's the added pressure to fix something that you didn't even break. I can't tell you how many times I've worked with people who feel like they're stuck in this exact position. They're doing everything they can to move on but their partner isn't putting in the same effort and it's exhausting because they're left with all of the weight.

But you can't control whether your partner decides to do their part or not. Now there has to be this acknowledgement, this real recognition of the reality of not being able to control the other person. And of course this is the part that makes the dynamics so challenging.

You can't control the behaviour of your unfaithful spouse. You can't make them apologise. You can't make them change their actions.

You certainly can't undo the past and you definitely can't make them understand your pain, at least not in the way that you feel it. No matter how much you scream and shout and tell and explain and describe and cry and everything that goes with it. A lot of people I work with struggle with this feeling of helplessness.

They feel like if only their partner would put the effort in, if only they'd see the damage they've caused, then they could finally heal. And while that's completely understandable, it's also a recipe for feeling stuck and frustrated. Here's why.

When you're waiting for someone else to change, you're giving them the power over your healing. You're handing your emotional well-being and saying I can't move until they do XYZ. And that's a really tough place to be in because you have no control over what they do.

And if they're not willing to step up, you end up feeling like you're carrying this burden alone with zero way to move forward. I want to make it clear that I'm not saying the unfaithful partner shouldn't take responsibility. They absolutely should, but what I am saying is that your healing can't depend entirely on what somebody else does or doesn't do.

If you're waiting for them to take all the steps, you're putting your life on hold for something that you can't control. And what you can often find yourself doing is prescribing what you think it is that they need to do for you to move forward, which keeps you fixed in this perpetual cycle of pain. Now let's turn the needle towards what it looks like to actually heal when both partners take responsibility.

Because at the end of the day, healing from infidelity can't be one-sided, at least not completely. It's not about the betrayed partner just getting over it or pretending it never happened. That doesn't lead to healing, or at least it doesn't lead to rebuilding.

It leads instead to resentment and more pain down the road. What does real rebuilding of a relationship look like? It's about both partners stepping up and taking responsibility in different ways. For the unfaithful partner, it means owning what they did, understanding the pain that they caused, and putting in the work to rebuild trust.

That means being transparent, having difficult conversations, and showing up consistently. For the betrayed partner, it's about acknowledging your pain and setting boundaries for what you need to move forward. It's not about ignoring your feelings or pushing yourself to forgive before you're ready.

It's about communicating clearly and holding your partner accountable for their actions. So here's the key point here. It does have to be a joint effort of sorts to help rebuild after betrayal.

However, it doesn't mean that both people have to do exactly the same thing, nor does it mean that your partner has to do the exact list of things that you think that they should do. What's key is that they are doing the work, i.e. some work, towards their own internal growth, development, involvement from this situation. Otherwise, if you're the only person doing the work, then you're going to burn out.

And if your partner isn't willing to step up, then maybe it is time to really ask yourself if this relationship can be saved. Because trying to push a broken swing on your own isn't going to get you anywhere. So what can you do if you're feeling like you're holding all the weight? What if your partner isn't stepping up to the way that you think they should? Well first, I want you to really think about where your focus is.

Are you putting all of your energy into trying to get your partner to change? Or are you putting your energy into taking care of yourself and setting boundaries? Remember, you can't force someone to do the work, but you can decide what you're willing to accept. If you've been open about what you need and your partner still isn't stepping up, it might be time to have a very honest conversation with yourself, at least first, about what's really at stake here. And then you can take that and let them know that this isn't just about getting over the affair.

It's about rebuilding trust and connection together. And if they're not willing to do that, you need to ask yourself if you're willing to keep carrying all the weight. But if your partner is open and willing to put in that effort, then it's about finding ways to share that responsibility.

One great idea is to have regular balance check-ins. Once a week sit down together and ask, what are we doing to heal together? What are we doing to rebuild our relationship together? What do we need from each other? What do you need from me right now? And what can we both do to rebuild this relationship? It's a way to keep both of you engaged in the process and to make sure that one person isn't holding all the weight. Alright, so to wrap this up, I want to leave you with this thought.

Healing after infidelity isn't about one person just getting over it. It's not about you holding all the weight while your partner sits back and watches. It's about a joint effort, a shared responsibility to rebuild trust and connection.

If you're feeling stuck right now, ask yourself where your focus is. Are you putting all your energy into trying to control what your partner does? Or are you focussing on what you need and what boundaries you want to set moving forward? And if your partner isn't willing to share the responsibility, it might be time to re-evaluate whether this relationship is really one that can truly heal and rebuild. Healing after infidelity isn't about placing all the blame on one person and all the responsibility on the other.

It's about both of you showing up, being open and being willing to do the work, even if you're still hurting. If you can shift from blame to shared responsibility, you can break free from this cycle and start moving forward. Now as promised, if you're the unfaithful partner listening and feeling like you're doing everything you can but it's still not enough, make sure you tune in next week.

I'm going to dive into the flip side of this dynamic. When you're trying your best but your partner still feels closed off, we'll talk about why that happens and how to handle it without losing hope. Thank you ever so much for joining me today on the After the Affair podcast.

If this episode resonated with you then please share it with somebody who might need to hear it. If you are the betrayed spouse and you think that your unfaithful partner might want to hear this episode and of course next week's episode, then I highly recommend that you share it with them. If you want to take this journey one step further then please come and join me over at the After the Affair community on Facebook.

You can join by visiting facebook.com forward slash groups forward slash After the Affair community. It's a private group and we extend the conversation over and above what happens here in the podcast so I can't wait to see you there. Other than that, have an amazing week and I'll see you all next time.