106. Why Men Can’t Win: And Why Women Need to Hear This

In this episode of After the Affair, I tackle a frustration many men experience but rarely talk about: the feeling that no matter what they do, they just can't "win" in relationships.

Why do so many men feel like they’re failing with their partner? And why is this something that women need to understand, too?

Whether you're a man who feels like you're constantly failing in your relationship or a woman wanting to understand what’s going on behind the scenes, this episode is for you. I not only explore why men feel like they can’t win but also offer insights into how both partners can work together to shift the dynamic and find balance.

Key Takeaways:

The "Never Win" Feeling:

• Why men often feel like their efforts in relationships aren't enough, and where that feeling comes from.

Communication Differences:

• How problem-solving vs. emotional connection can create friction in relationships.

  
  

The Pressure of Shifting Gender Roles:

• Why modern men struggle to balance traditional expectations with the newer demands of emotional sensitivity and involvement.

The Emotional Labor Imbalance:

• How invisible work in relationships can leave men feeling like they’re losing, even when they’re contributing.

Criticism and Unspoken Expectations:

• Why many men feel constantly criticised and how unspoken expectations can create feelings of helplessness.

How to Break the Cycle:

• Ideas for shifting the dynamic so both partners feel seen, heard, and appreciated in the relationship.

💬 Reflection Questions:

Men, have you ever felt like you’re doing everything you can, but it’s never enough? Women, have you noticed this dynamic in your own relationship?

Connect with Luke:

• Website: www.lifecoachluke.com

• Instagram: @mylifecoachluke

• Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Episode Transcript:

The After The Affair podcast with me Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Together we'll explore what's required to rebuild trust not only in yourself but also with others. Whether you stay or leave I can help and no matter what your story there will be something here for you.

Let's go! Hello and welcome back. You're listening to the After The Affair podcast. My name is Luke Shillings.

I'm your host and today we're listening to episode 106. So let's just clarify who this episode is for. If you are a man this is for you.

If you are a woman this is also for you. When I think about what it is I'm going to discuss on each week's episode my ideas and inspiration come from a variety of places. But more often than not it's usually something that I just keep seeing over and over again.

Sometimes that's in my personal life, sometimes in my connections that I have with friends, sometimes it's when I'm scrolling social media and a variety of other things but often I keep seeing these patterns and therefore I have to do something about it. I have to at least challenge that perspective and see how it can integrate and be useful to you as the listener. So one of the things that I have noticed is with my clients and my listeners and my relationships in general it's this feeling that men, particularly in relationships, often express this idea that they can never win.

Why is this? Why do so many men feel like no matter what they do is not enough? It's a deeply frustrating and emotionally charged feeling and it can have a big impact on the health of the relationships as a whole especially after infidelity. So let's explore why this happens and the underlying dynamics at play and of course I'll share my own thoughts and experiences on the matter too because at the end of the day I wouldn't be talking about it I didn't think it was important. There's that never win feeling like well where does that come from? So first let's break it down.

Why do so many men feel like they can't win with their partner? And of course let me just preface that I acknowledge that I am a man and I will be biassed in some way. I have lived experience of these phenomena but I'll do my best to not let that get in the way. It often starts with communication differences.

Men and women broadly speaking tend to approach problems differently. Many men, myself included, tend to be solution orientated. We see a problem we want to fix it but for many women emotional connection and being heard can take priority over finding a solution.

So while men are busy trying to fix things their partner might just be looking for validation or just understanding and when those needs don't align it creates friction and men end up feeling like they're failing even though they think they're doing exactly what's needed. I remember feeling this way in my own marriage. I loved my wife and I found it extremely important to me to want to do things that eased her life in some way.

She had quite a stressful job so if I could do things at home that would reduce the amount of things that she had to deal with when she got home, the mental load, then that felt good to me. It wasn't really intended with any desire for a pat on the back or bedroom favours. It was there really just so that I could feel good about showing up in the way that I wanted to for my wife.

However what would often happen is I would do all of these various things and then she would come home from work and and spot the one thing that I hadn't done and at that particular time I found that really hard not to take that personally. I made it mean so much more than it really did. At the time I was angry.

I've already got over myself and the desire to want to be validated or rewarded or even acknowledged for the things that I've done but to then go and highlight something that I haven't done it's like well why bother? Why am I even doing this? What is the point? I remember feeling that really frustrating and that without doubt led to this underlying slowly building resentment. You know reflecting back it wasn't the the deepest of resentments but to say that it wasn't there wouldn't be true. There was something.

I felt like I couldn't win. I felt like there was nothing that I could do that could possibly satisfy her need. It was almost though, again reflecting on it now, it was almost as though if she were to come home and not find something that that would be in some way a reflection on her and of course I'm speaking for her.

I acknowledge that that I don't actually know exactly what it was that she was thinking in all honesty. I am just speculating. I'm not trying to intentionally put words in her mouth but there maybe was a possibility that actually unless she spotted something that needed doing then she wouldn't feel like she was doing her role as a mother, as a partner, as a strong independent woman who can look after herself.

So it often creates this mismatch in understanding in terms of motivation and why we do the things that we do. Another factor here is just the shifting roles and expectations in relationships in general. I mean if we're real about it, society has changed a lot just in the last few decades.

Men are no longer just expected to be providers. We're now expected to be emotionally sensitive, involved parents, communicative partners all while still being strong and dependable. It's not that we can't do these things but it creates a lot of internal pressure and sometimes we don't know exactly how to balance that all.

And on the flip side women often take on a lot too, whether it's emotional labour, organising or managing the household. The question I often ask myself is why do women take on so much? It feels unnecessary at times. Like no matter how much men do it won't be enough to meet all these unspoken expectations and that leads to resentment and it can lead to resentment on both sides of course.

And when I reflect on the emotional sensitivity part like that increased, I feel like that's a journey I've been on throughout my whole life in many ways. I was in a predominantly female environment probably from the age of four and to say that that didn't have any impact on who I am and why I am the way I am would be, well it would be inaccurate. Exactly how much impact it had of course it's always very very difficult to measure because we don't have the version of Luke that didn't live that life to compare to.

But one of the things I've noticed particularly when consuming this particular topic, this particular content, I can't help but feel some internal sense of resistance and possibly a sense of unfairness. Even though logically I understand it and as we continue through this episode I'll be able to break that down a bit further. But to say that I don't feel something inside that doesn't feel quite at peace with it, even though rationally I can make sense of it, I just think that's worth noticing.

And I share that because sometimes we can experience things, we can witness things, we can hear someone say something and we make logical sense of it in the moment but there's something inside. I suppose we could call it, if I was talking to guys specifically I'd say gut feeling and if I was probably talking to women I might alter my language slightly and use the word intuition but I think both are essentially the same thing. There's just something there that just doesn't feel right and it's the exploration of that I think is really important in terms of living in a line with who we are.

It's like if there is that internal conflict then maybe that needs questioning, it needs challenging. Because it's those inner feelings, that intuition and that gut feeling that can often lead to the conflict itself that exists within the relationship. So I just wanted to highlight that even though I can make real sense of this I still feel some resistance which I think is really interesting.

So just pay attention to the resistance that you're feeling too. Here's where it gets interesting. You've probably heard the argument that these dynamics are just social conditioning.

That we've been taught that men should provide and women should nurture. But I'm not so sure it's only societal. There are evolutionary reasons for these roles too.

Men have traditionally been protectors and providers because biologically that's how we survived. Women being the ones who give birth and nurture young children took on more caregiving roles. So while we've transcended some of those roles in modern society there's a question of whether we should completely throw them away.

Just because we can doesn't mean we should. I think the answer lies in finding balance. How do we honour these evolutionary instincts while still embracing the flexibility that modern relationships demand? It is a complex dance.

So I'd love to know how you feel, what comes up for you when the questions are asked. So for the guys, if I ask you the question where do you feel that your role as a man has come from? Do you feel it's come from society? Do you feel it's come from what you learned from your parents? Do you feel like it's come from what you see on TV and in movies? Or do you see your role as a man existing as a consequence of evolution, of survival and ultimately just a more primal thing? Something that is deeper that you don't really feel has been influenced by modern society. It's something that exists before.

So first of all I want you to just notice like which one feels more aligned or misaligned for you when I give you those two options. But I also want to challenge and say okay well what parts of both of those things are true? And how do you want to use that and know that and accept that and take it forward in your life as a role, as a father and as a husband and as a brother and as a son and like how do you want to show up with all of those considerations in place? And for the for the women that are listening I would like to ask you a question too. When you think about the duties that you take on in your life, the things that you feel need to be done, the underlying desires and maybe expectations even that you have for your partners, what's the underlying emotion at play? I want to ask if that emotion is resentment.

Do you feel that resentment is built as a consequence of you doing more than you feel other people are doing and specifically your partner? Now of course there's these interesting surveys. I've read them before I don't have them to hand but this idea that when you ask two people in a household and you ask who does the majority of a specific chore or task or household activities, the numbers always add up to more than a hundred percent. Interesting.

I think the average is like a hundred and forty percent when you combine two people, something like that. And I think that's interesting. It's like well why is that? Why is this perception that we are doing more? Well I think part of it is just that when you are doing something you are aware of the things that you are doing.

You are aware of the things that you are thinking and aware of the things that you are feeling and you are aware of how you feel during those tasks. You are 100% aware of all of the things that you do in a day whereas you are not 100% aware of all of the things that your partner does in a day. So the same is true the other way around as well.

So it's hardly surprising that we have this perception that we do more than other people. And this doesn't just exist in the home. This also exists in the workplace, this perception that you do more than everybody else.

And sometimes that's true. Sometimes that is true. And sometimes of course at home that is true as well.

But the perception is always misaligned. Even if your partner doesn't do as much as you, my guesses are that the proportion for which you apply to that are far greater than the reality of the situation in most situations. I'm sure there'll be some people shouting at me right now saying that you know you've not met my husband Luke.

I'm not gonna argue with you, at least not not here because well I can't. Anyway the reason I ask these questions is because of one of the biggest issues that I see and I've experienced it myself as I've already shared. And it's this imbalance of emotional labour.

In so many relationships women take on this invisible workload of managing emotions, relationships and household responsibilities. And for men it's often something we're not even aware of. We might feel like we're contributing and doing our part but to the partner it doesn't feel like enough because we're not taking on the emotional labour that's weighing them down.

It's not that men don't care or don't want to help. It's just that we've been, I suppose, conditioned differently in some way. This imbalance creates frustration on both sides.

And when I say conditioned differently I don't want to misalign that with necessarily the overall sense of societal conditioning. Although this probably is some of the consequence. But I'm talking about the conditions that exist within a relationship.

The dynamic that's evolved between you and your partner over the period of the relationship. Generally speaking when you spend a lot of time with another human being then you do sort of mould and change slightly as a person and the other person does too. And you have this almost combined dynamic that exists as a result of that.

So one person might be more blunt and black and white in their thinking. Whereas another person, the partner, might be much more neutral and open-minded. And although these like seem complete polar opposites to begin with, over time both partners recognise the benefits of the other.

I can see this in my own relationship too. I am definitely more of the consider all the things, consider all the facts, look at it from as many perspectives as possible. You know, which could easily be interpreted as sitting on the fence, as being indecisive, as being non-committed.

That's not how I see it at all. I see it as making an assessment and then an informed judgement and then leading with a decision that I feel most aligned with. And then I can stand by my decision.

It's not just been some emotional reactive thing which I later think, oh well why didn't I just give that a moment's thought because I would probably made a different choice. But from the perception of somebody who's very black and white thinking, much more polarised, much more binary in their thinking, it can seem like an extra process that just takes time and effort that they can't be bothered with. They'd rather just get on, make a decision, muck it up or not and carry on.

And of course, you know, I absolutely see the benefit of that as well. There are definitely times and places where that is absolutely a appropriate. But there's also times and places where I think my more considered approach is also appropriate.

So we kind of evolve collectively as a couple over time. So when I'm talking about this conditioning, that's what I mean in this context. And this imbalance creates frustration on both sides, you know, because men feel like they're trying and failing and women feel like they're overwhelmed and unsupported.

This is just, it's just this miscommunication about what both people are experiencing. And of course, I'm using the overall context of men versus women in this. And I'm using these generalised statements.

And I acknowledge that, of course, people are different and there are exceptions to every rule. And maybe it's the opposite way around in your dynamic. And there is no right or wrong.

And the important thing here is that we are able to spot the difference in our partners and use that constructively rather than against each other. Another reason men can feel like they can't win is the constant sense of perceived criticism. Even if the intent behind it is to express a need, it often feels like a judgement.

And over time that criticism just builds up and men start feeling like nothing they do is ever right. Combine that with unspoken expectations. You know, we think back to the manual or the rulebook in episode 13, I think, of the podcast, where there's this list of expectations that each partner has about how their spouse should show up.

But a lot of these things are a. unrealistic, b. not taking responsibility, and c. they're not communicated. So the spouse doesn't even know what expectations that they even have. And again, maybe this is a bit of a gender stereotype and you can shout and throw rocks at me as a consequence.

Let's feel free. But it's not uncommon for a man to say that their wife thinks that they should be a mind reader. It's like, why can't he just know what I'm thinking? And I go some way to empathise and understand the frustration from the woman's perspective.

They feel that they're communicating in a way that makes sense to them, but the message that's being interpreted from the guy just isn't that. So it doesn't make sense to them. So this mind-reading trick is not even possible.

On the flip side, men are also allowing themselves to get all het up and agitated as a consequence of not being able to please their partners, and never being able to satisfy them in some sense. So they then build up this resentment. And I'm sure you can pick up on the overall theme that we're talking about here.

Every time we're not communicating effectively, it causes damage in our relationships. In my work with my clients, I see this dynamic all the time, in almost every example, at least to some extent. People in relationships just don't talk about what they really need.

They expect their partner to just know or to just get it. But that's just not how it works. We can't meet expectations that haven't been communicated.

Here's the big question. Can we transcend these roles? And more importantly, should we? There's this push to completely redefine gender roles. But is that always a good thing? Sometimes the traditional roles serve a purpose, and maybe it's not about getting rid of them, but adapting them for today's world.

In relationships, especially after betrayal, these dynamics can get even more complicated. People are trying to rebuild trust while also navigating the shifting expectations of what it means to be a man or a woman in a partnership. And I also want to add in the obvious probability that there might be plenty of examples where you are no longer with your partner, but you still have children.

And therefore there still is this sort of both, now all of a sudden you don't have the male and female role, or that sense of masculinity or femininity existing in the single household. It's now distributed. It's almost like one place is one thing, and one place is another thing.

And that's not easy. And there is no one-size-fits-all answer. But I do believe that finding balance between honouring our instincts and adapting to modern relationships in the modern world, because that is where we are, is key.

So to wrap things up, this feeling of never winning in relationships isn't just about doing enough or being enough. It's about the deeper dynamics at play. Communication, societal expectations, emotional labour distribution, and the tension between evolution and modern relationships.

It's a complex puzzle and we need to give ourselves and our partners grace as we figure it out. I hope today's episode gave you something to think about. And whether you're feeling stuck in your own relationship or just trying to understand the deeper dynamics at play, I'd love to hear your thoughts on this topic.

So reach out, let me know, drop me an email. You can contact me directly at luke at lifecoachluke.com If you want to take this conversation further and talk about it with like-minded people, then please come over and join the Facebook group. You can access it at facebook.com forward slash groups forward slash after the affair community and would be great to see you over there.

Other than that, thank you ever so much for being here as always. Take care of yourselves and each other. Don't forget each other.

And I'll catch you next time. Talk to you next week. See ya.