105. The Shock of a Same-Sex Affair: Healing After an Unexpected Betrayal

In this powerful episode of After the Affair, I delve into a deeply nuanced and often overlooked aspect of infidelity: same-sex affairs within long-term marriages. Inspired by a listener’s courageous story, I explore the unique layers of shock, pain, and confusion that arise when a spouse’s betrayal involves a partner of the same sex.

Whether you’re personally experiencing this kind of betrayal or seeking to understand it better, this episode offers insights and compassion for navigating an incredibly difficult and complex journey.

Key Takeaways:

Understanding the Unique Pain of Same-Sex Infidelity:

• How this form of betrayal can challenge your perception of your partner and yourself.

The Role of Shame and Stigma:

• Why same-sex affairs can bring an added layer of societal judgment and isolation.

Impact on Children and Family Dynamics:

• Navigating the confusion and emotional fallout for children of all ages.

Rebuilding Your Sense of Self:

• How to reclaim your identity and self-worth after a betrayal that disrupts everything you thought you knew.

Healing and Moving Forward:

• Practical steps and emotional support for finding your path forward, whether that’s together or apart.

💬 Reflection Question:

How do you begin to rebuild trust and identity when a betrayal challenges everything you thought you knew about your relationship?

Connect with Luke:

• Website: www.lifecoachluke.com

• Instagram: @mylifecoachluke

• Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Episode Transcript:

The After The Affair podcast with me Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Together we'll explore what's required to rebuild trust not only in yourself but also with others. Whether you stay or leave I can help and no matter what your story there will be something here for you.

Let's go! Hello everybody and welcome back to the After The Affair podcast I'm Luke Shillings your host and today is episode number 105. This episode was inspired by one of the courageous listeners who reached out to share a little bit of their story. After 35 years of marriage she discovered that her husband was having an affair with a man.

The shock, the confusion, the pain. It's a unique and incredibly challenging form of betrayal that's often overlooked but it is a reality for some. If you're listening today and this resonates with you I want you to know that you are not alone.

Whether the betrayal involves a same-sex affair or any other form of infidelity the pain is real and it is valid. Today we're going to unpack this nuanced experience and explore what healing might look like in these incredibly difficult circumstances. So let's start with the initial shock and the devastation.

Discovering infidelity in any form is traumatic but when it involves a same-sex affair it can bring up a whole new set of emotions and questions. It's not just about the betrayal of trust it's about questioning your entire understanding of your partner's identity, your relationship and of course yourself. You might be thinking was my marriage a lie? Did I miss something all these years? What does this say about me? And these are incredibly painful questions and it's important to give yourself permission to feel all of it.

The anger, the sadness, the confusion. There's no right way to react to this kind of news but you will react and you might not react in the way that you expected. Maybe it is anger, maybe it is outwards emotion that you display.

Maybe it's numbness, maybe it's keeping yourself to yourself, hiding away, not facing it. Maybe it's carrying on as though nothing's gone wrong, ignoring the problem, pretending it's not there as much as you can, falling into a state of denial. This is common across all elements of infidelity particularly as the betrayed partner where we don't want to accept the situation for what it is so we kind of dismiss it.

Our body isn't ready for it, it doesn't want it so it rejects it. All of these things are normal. This type of betrayal can raise questions not just about the relationship but of course about the sexual identity, both your partner's and even your own.

You might wonder, well was he always attracted to men? Did he marry me to hide his true self? What does this mean about my own identity and my worth as a partner? It's essential to remember that your partner's actions are rooted in his or hers own complex journey which may have very little to do with your own marriage and specifically very little to do with you. He might have been grappling with this identity for years, perhaps even without fully understanding it himself. This doesn't excuse the betrayal of course but it does add a layer of context that's important to consider as you begin to process what's happened.

It's easy to not want to understand what it is that our partners may be experiencing in their own lives and because of the pain of the betrayal itself we can easily become blinded to the underlying reasons or motivations that might have led to an affair under any circumstances. Now of course this is a protection mechanism because we have been wronged in some way or at the very least we're interpreting it as being wronged and of course when that happens it's natural to want to try and defend and protect and keep ourselves safe and part of that is to not consider, at least not to truly consider or be empathic with the experience or journey of the individual. The temptation is just to want to villainize them, to hate them, to shame them or to deny the experience completely like we just spoke about.

When something like this happens you're not just grieving the betrayal, you're grieving the life that you thought you had, the future that you had envisioned and maybe even the person you believed your partner to be. It's a multi-layered grief that can feel overwhelming. It's okay to mourn all of these things, it's okay to feel a sense of loss for what you thought your relationship was and the plans that you had together.

This kind of grief is normal and it's part of the process of coming to terms with a new reality. Grief is not linear, healing is not linear, especially when we're dealing with such complicated situations. We like to measure our progress against how we felt the day before.

That's often a way that we can look at a situation and decide whether we're doing okay or not. But when every day feels terrible, it feels like we're not moving, it feels like we're not making any progress, if anything we then have something else to beat ourselves up about because we're not making any progress. And when we do that, we punish ourselves more, which actually can slow our own journey.

When we instead embrace the ups and downs that come with healing or working through any kind of potentially traumatic experience, embracing the fact that one day might not be as good as the previous day or the next day might be better than the previous day, and we might go back and forth on this seesaw, this roundabout. In fact it might not even be days, it could be moments, it could be hours, it could be specific occasions. What came before is not a representation of what comes next.

I always like this concept from investments, you know, that past performance is not a good predictor of future success. And it's so true, but we also forget about it ourselves. Let's talk about the role of shame and stigma.

Infidelity is painful enough on its own, but when you find out your husband or wife has been having an affair with somebody of the same sex, it can feel like the emotional complexity goes up exponentially. You're not only dealing with the betrayal of trust, but also with questions about your partner's identity, your marriage, and even your own sense of self. There's a unique kind of stigma associated with same-sex affairs that often isn't discussed.

First there's the societal narrative. We're conditioned to think of infidelity in a very binary way. Typically we imagine a man cheating on his wife with another woman.

When that narrative gets disrupted by a same-sex affair, it can leave you feeling even more isolated, as if your experience doesn't fit into the normal mould of betrayal, if there even were a thing. It can be hard to talk about it, not just because of the betrayal, but because of the fear of how others will perceive you and your marriage. You might be grappling with questions like, was our marriage even real? Or did he ever really love me? It's a painful thing to wrestle with.

The fact that your husband was unfaithful with a man might lead you to question everything you thought you knew about him, and about your relationship. You might wonder if he's been hiding his sexuality for years, and if so, why he chose to live this double life. And then there's the added complexity of asking yourself, what does this mean about me? Was I not enough? Couldn't I have seen this coming? The reality is, this kind of infidelity can stir up a deep sense of inadequacy or confusion about your own identity and your own self-worth.

It's not just about questioning his sexuality, but it's about questioning the foundation of your life together. This can make you feel like you're not just losing your partner, but your own sense of reality. Then there's the external stigma.

Society tends to be uncomfortable with discussions about same-sex attraction, especially when it intersects with infidelity in a heterosexual marriage. You may feel hesitant to share your story with friends or family, fearing judgement or misunderstanding. You might worry that people will reduce your pain to a tabloid headline kind of situation, or worse, blame you for not knowing sooner.

All of this can make it incredibly difficult to reach out for help, to share your pain, and to start the healing process. The fear of judgement, both from yourself and others, can keep you trapped in silence and shame. But I want to be clear, you're not alone in this, and your pain, your confusion, your anger, all of it, it's valid.

It's okay that you don't have all the answers right now. It's okay to feel blindsided and to question absolutely everything. This is a deeply complex and nuanced situation, and you have every right to take time and space to help you process it in your own way.

When infidelity comes to light, it's not just the couple who is affected. Children, no matter their age, can also feel the ripple effects. Discovering that a parent has been unfaithful is already a shock, but when the affair involves someone of the same sex, it can create even more confusion and even more emotional turmoil for them.

Kids might start questioning their understanding of family, their understanding of relationships, and even their parents' identity. If they grew up seeing their father as a committed heterosexual partner, the revelation of a same-sex affair could be very jarring. They might feel like they never really knew their parents at all, or they might struggle to reconcile their past perceptions with this new reality.

For younger children, they might not fully grasp what's happening, but can still sense the tension and the emotional upheaval. Teenagers or adult children might feel betrayed in different ways. They may wonder if their entire family narrative was a lie, or if their parents' marriage was just a facade.

They could be left questioning their own understanding of sexuality and relationships, or even worry that they too might be deceived in their own romantic lives. It's also common for children to feel like they're caught in the middle. They might struggle with loyalty.

Do they side with a betrayed parent, or try and support the parent who is unfaithful? The added layer of the same-sex affair can make this even more complicated, as they might worry about how their peers or extended family will react, or how to handle any confusion about their own beliefs regarding sexuality. For some children, this may be a sense of shame or embarrassment, especially if the affair does become public knowledge. They might feel the need to keep it secret, to protect the family, or to avoid uncomfortable conversations with friends and relatives.

This secrecy, though, can lead to a sense of isolation and emotional distress, making it harder for them to process their feelings in a healthy way. As a parent, it's crucial to provide a space where your children can feel safe, to express what they're feeling without fear of judgement, encouraging them to ask questions and share their feelings, even if those feelings are complicated or even contradictory. It's okay to admit that you don't have all the answers, at least not right now, and what matters most is that they know that they are loved, and that their family, even though it's going through a tough time, is still a place where they belong.

Again, this is also a time where seeking professional support, either through family therapy or individual counselling, for your children can be invaluable. A professional can help them navigate their feelings, address any confusion or fears they may have, and reinforce that it's okay to feel whatever they're feeling. It also creates them, there's a space where they can feel safe to share, where they're not in the middle of the perceived battlefield that it might exist between yourself and your spouse.

Just like you're going through a process of coming to terms with this betrayal, they are too, and they need support to make sense of it in a way that's healthy for their own growth and their own emotional well-being. Every path forward will look different. For some, it might mean staying and working through it, trying to figure it out, understanding what that even looks like.

For others, it might mean walking away and starting anew. There's no right decision here, and it's only what is right for you. The key is to focus on what you need to heal, independent of your partner and what they do or what they don't do.

Maybe that means setting boundaries, maybe it's seeking therapy, maybe it's taking time alone to reflect on what you want moving forward. Whatever it is, know that your journey is valid. One of the most powerful things that you can do is rewrite your story.

Yes, this betrayal is part of your past, but it doesn't have to define your future. This experience, as painful as it is, can be a catalyst for profound personal growth and self-discovery, whether that's inside or outside of the existing relationship. You're not just someone who was betrayed, you're someone who has the strength to navigate this, to rebuild, and to find meaning and purpose beyond the pain.

It's about reclaiming your narrative and deciding what comes next for you. Thank you, as always, for joining me on this deeply important episode, and to the listener who bravely shared her story, I want to say thank you too. Your courage will resonate with so many who are struggling in silence.

If you're listening and this has touched you, know that healing is possible, even in the face of such a unique and challenging betrayal. Take things one day at a time, seek support where you can, and most importantly, be kind to yourself. I'd love to hear your thoughts and stories on this topic.

Reach out, share, and remember you're not alone on this journey. So, take care of yourselves, and I will see you in the next episode. But before we go, if you're not already, then I highly recommend you come and join the conversation over in the Facebook group, the After The Affair Community.

You can find it on Facebook by searching the After The Affair Community with Luke Shillings, or you can visit the URL facebook.com forward slash groups forward slash After The Affair Community, or one word. I'll pop the link in the show notes, and hopefully see you over there very soon. So, take care, thank you very much, and I'll talk to you all next week.