103. Why I Love Breaking the Rules of Infidelity: Societal Expectations Debunked

In this episode of After the Affair, 'Why I Love Breaking the Rules of Infidelity: Societal Expectations Debunked,' I take a deep dive into the societal expectations surrounding infidelity and why many of them are not just wrong but harmful. I list the top 34 most common Societal Expectation Statements and challenge each and every one!

We often think of infidelity in black-and-white terms, assigning blame and passing judgement based on outdated norms and rigid stereotypes. But infidelity is far more complex than society tends to acknowledge.

I unpack the dangers of oversimplifying infidelity, the damaging effects of punitive mindsets, and why rigid gender norms don’t hold up in the real world. Through honest reflection, this episode challenges the idea that infidelity always has to end a relationship, and instead offers a more nuanced understanding of what it means to heal, rebuild, or move on.

Whether you’ve been betrayed or were the one who was unfaithful, this episode will make you rethink what society says about infidelity and how it can impact your recovery.

Key Takeaways:

Why Black-and-White Thinking Is Harmful:

• Infidelity is often judged as entirely the fault of the unfaithful partner, ignoring relational dynamics and the complexity of the emotions involved.

Gender Norms and Why They Don't Work:

• The stereotype that men cheat for sex and women cheat for emotional reasons misses the broader picture of human behaviour.

The Punishment Trap:

• How shame, public humiliation, and the pressure to leave the relationship can hinder healing and growth, both for the betrayed and the unfaithful.

Why Infidelity Doesn’t Have to Mean the End:

• Exploring the idea that, with the right support, some couples can rebuild trust and come out stronger on the other side.

The Overlooked Forms of Infidelity:

• Emotional and digital infidelity often get ignored in societal discussions, but they can be just as damaging as physical cheating.

Judgement vs. Understanding:

• Why casting judgement on the unfaithful partner doesn’t allow for personal growth or relationship repair, and how a restorative approach can offer more.

💬 Reflection Questions:

How have societal expectations shaped your response to infidelity? Have these expectations helped or hindered your healing process?

Connect with Luke:

• Website: www.lifecoachluke.com

• Instagram: @mylifecoachluke

• Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Episode Transcript:

The After The Affair podcast with me Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Together we'll explore what's required to rebuild trust not only in yourself but also with others. Whether you stay or leave I can help and no matter what your story there will be something here for you.

Let's go! Hello and welcome to the After The Affair podcast. I'm Luke Shillings your host and you're listening to episode number 103. Now if you have experienced infidelity then it's very likely you have been subject or at least witness to some societal expectations about how you should behave or what you should do or what is expected of you.

But I have to think that many of these societal expectations are based on outdated generalised views of human behaviour and relationships. And they often ignore the complexities of individual circumstances. They don't seem to take into account the emotional dynamics or the personal growth that happens that's often central to understanding infidelity.

You know a lot of these societal expectations around infidelity are oversimplified. They try to make everything black and white like it's all the unfaithful partner's fault or once a cheater always a cheater. But honestly infidelity is rarely that simple.

There are so many emotional, relational and psychological factors at play and just trying to pin it all down on one person completely ignores the complexity of what's really going on. And when we oversimplify things we end up misunderstanding the situation entirely. And then there are these rigid gender norms that we hear all the time.

You know like the idea that men cheat for sex and women cheat for emotional connection. It's like these stereotypes are stuck in the past. People cheat for all kinds of reasons and it doesn't always follow these outdated gender scripts.

We really need to move beyond that and recognise the individual differences in why infidelity happens. Another thing is how punitive or shame based a lot of these views are. We've created this environment where there's pressure to shame or punish the unfaithful partner and that just makes things worse.

Pushing for public humiliation or telling the betrayed partner they should immediately leave doesn't allow any space for healing or reconciliation. It blocks the possibility of growth, learning and of course rebuilding trust. And this idea that infidelity always means the relationship should end, that's a big one and I get that some people feel that way but it's not always the case.

Some couples actually come out the other side stronger with the right kind of support and work. It doesn't have to be the end of the road but a lot of these expectations make people feel like there's no other option. Another thing that we really need to talk about is the lack of nuance in these views.

People often assume infidelity is only about sex when in reality it can be emotional, it can be online, it can be so many things. Emotional affairs can be just as damaging if not more but they're often overlooked because they don't fit the typical narrative. And then there's this tendency to jump straight to judging without understanding.

This is probably the most common reason for conflict amongst people in general, let alone in the context of infidelity. People want to ostracise cheaters, cast them out but where's the room for learning, for growth? It's a very simplistic way of looking at things and it ignores the chance for personal development or even relationship repair. And I'm not just talking about the person who has done the cheating here.

Instead of focussing on judgement we could be asking well what led to this and how can we move forward from it? So one of the things I wanted to do today and I've compiled a list of lots of the most common societal expectations that I've heard during my journey as an infidelity recovery coach that I think need challenging. Now this list is long I'm gonna make a start and we'll just go through it and see how we get on and if I don't add them all in the actual show I'll maybe type some of them in the show notes so we'll see how we do it. Okay so let's go.

First one, monogamy is the default standard. Most societies expect relationships to be monogamous with infidelity viewed as a violation of that norm. I'm sure I mean monogamy is the norm but not everyone follows that script and there are plenty of healthy loving relationships that don't fit the mould and that's okay.

What about the unfaithful partner should feel deep shame and guilt? And cheating is often seen as a moral failure and there's a strong expectation that the unfaithful partner should be remorseful. I get it. And I also get why people should expect guilt but shame can be pretty destructive.

Sometimes what helps more is figuring out why it happened and how to grow from it. How about the betrayed partner should leave the relationship? There's often this societal pressure for the betrayed partner to end the relationship with staying being a sign of weakness or as an example of settling. Now of course leaving is an option.

Of course it is. But staying doesn't mean weakness. If anything the opposite is true.

It can take a lot of strength to stay and rebuild if that's what both partners want. Revenge is a justified response. Many believe that the betrayed partner is justified in seeking revenge whether that's through emotional, financial or in some cases even physical means.

Look I get the anger but revenge doesn't actually fix anything. It just keeps the pain going for everyone involved. It just isn't helpful and again I think we can take this way beyond the context of infidelity and think about how this might apply in other areas of your life.

Infidelity is solely the fault of the unfaithful partner. It's commonly expected that all blame lies with the partner who cheated with little consideration of the dynamics within the relationship prior to the affair. It's easy to put all the blame on the person who cheated.

Of course it is. But relationships are complicated and sometimes it's a reflection of deeper issues on both sides. Men cheat for sex and women cheat for emotional connection.

There's this societal narrative that men engage in infidelity for physical reasons alone while women cheat to fulfil emotional needs. People cheat for all sorts of reasons and it's not as simple as men want sex, women want feelings. Those stereotypes really do not tell the whole story I can assure you.

How about, and I've covered this in an episode itself, once a cheater always a cheater. There's this expectation that the person who cheats once will likely cheat again in the future. Honestly people can change.

Just because someone cheated once doesn't mean they'll do it again. They actually might learn from it and grow. Infidelity is the ultimate betrayal.

Many view cheating as the worst possible violation in a relationship with no room for recovery or forgiveness. And yeah it's a betrayal, there's no doubt about it. But it doesn't have to be the end of the road.

Some couples really do come out stronger after they work through it. And besides, if you tell yourself that infidelity is the ultimate betrayal, then what story are you telling yourself about your relationship? And how do you want to move forward with that, having that almost storm cloud of a statement hanging over your shoulders? Women should feel more devastated by infidelity than men. Interesting.

There's a societal expectation that women will feel greater emotional pain from infidelity, while men are expected to react with more anger. Why do we assume that women will be more emotional about it? I mean, where does that come from? Do you not think men feel hurt too? I'm part of a couple of men-only groups and I can assure you that that is a very outdated stereotype. They might display their hurt in different ways, but to say that they're not affected is just, well, it's just downright wrong.

Infidelity hits hard for everybody, regardless of gender. Men are more likely to cheat. It's often expected or assumed that men are inherently more prone to cheating than women.

Well, the stats are showing that it's maybe not quite as lopsided as people think. Men and women both cheat and the reasons aren't always what you would expect. Certainly in the last 30 years or so, there's been a significant increase in the number of women that cheat, or at least women that are caught cheating, depending on how you want to define this.

Obviously you've heard me talk before about the difficulty in getting accurate statistics on infidelity, for obvious reasons, but it does seem that the tables are at least far more balanced than they ever have been. That doesn't necessarily mean that men are cheating less, it just means that women are cheating more, and there are many reasons as to why that might be. The unfaithful partner can't truly love their spouse.

Again, there's this belief that someone who cheats cannot genuinely love their partner, as infidelity is seen as incompatible with love. Now this is a tough one. You can love someone and still hurt them.

It's complicated and cheating doesn't automatically mean that love is gone. In fact, not at all. Often it can be some other unrealized insecurity that has maybe not been addressed in the individual, and they're seeking some additional short-term pleasure in some cases, and then things maybe get out of hand.

Again, we're not justifying, we're just trying to understand. We're just not accepting the narrative that is given to us and then taking it on as our own, without at least questioning it. Forgiving infidelity is seen as a sign of weakness.

If a partner chooses to forgive and stay in the relationship, they might be viewed as weak or maybe lacking self-respect. I actually think it takes off, and I've touched on this one already, or at least one similar to it. I really do think it takes a lot of strength to forgive someone after they've hurt you, and it's definitely not the easy way out.

However, when it comes to forgiveness, of course, the forgiveness isn't really about the other person anyway. It's about your choice to forgive. You are the person that feels the reward of forgiving.

The other person doesn't, so it's not really an accurate way of looking at the situation anyway. Affairs are always a sign of a bad or failing relationship. Again, there's this expectation that cheating only occurs when a relationship is deeply troubled or broken.

This is not necessarily true. Sometimes people cheat even when they're in a perfectly good relationship. Because of personal insecurities or other issues, it's not always the relationship that's at fault.

There are usually two reasons for infidelity. One is there is a problem in the relationship, a communication issue or something that has not been realised or noted by the two people in it, or a problem with the individual who has been unfaithful. Perhaps there is some unresolved childhood trauma or maybe an unrealized emotional insecurity.

These are the reasons more commonly associated, so to say that it is just one and not the other would not be accurate at all. Public humiliation is justified for cheaters. Many expect that cheaters should be publicly shamed or humiliated as a consequence of their actions.

Public shaming? I mean, surely that just adds more damage. If anything, it prevents people from healing and learning from their mistakes. You know, we can't have these statements of, once a cheater, always a cheater, and then pin them into that corner and give them no option to rectify or reconcile or, you know, repent even or just make different choices in their lives should they wish.

These societal expectations have a habit of creating a situation or an identity for an individual and then forcing them into that place where they then find it harder to escape. So just be conscious and mindful of the things that we choose to believe and think and, in many cases, the things that we say and act from when it comes to some of these societal expectations. Infidelity means the end of trust forever.

Once trust is broken through cheating, it's expected that it can never be fully restored. Trust, of course, can be rebuilt and it takes time. It's not always easy but I have definitely seen couples restore trust if they're committed to the process.

Open or non-monogamous relationships are doomed to fail. Society tends to view non-traditional relationship models as inherently unstable and more likely to lead to cheating or betrayal. This isn't necessarily true.

There are plenty of people in open relationships who make it work through clear boundaries and communication. If we refer back to the episode of polyamory, then we discuss many of these communication skills that, when applied well and healthily, can really lead to very, very stable relationships. Infidelity must be confessed immediately.

It's often expected that if someone cheats, they must immediately confess, regardless of the circumstances. While, obviously, honesty is important, the timing and the way it's approached can really make a difference, so rushing into it might sometimes cause more harm than good. The betrayed partner is often seen as the victim.

Society tends to position the betrayed partner as entirely innocent and passive, ignoring any other complexities in the relationship. Sure, they are hurt but that doesn't mean that they're powerless. They have a lot of agency in how they choose to respond and heal and I think we see this in many other areas in society as well.

That if somebody is portrayed as a victim, then all of their individual personal wrongdoings somehow seem to be erased. Now again, of course, we're not justifying or quantifying even the choices made by the unfaithful person or the perpetrator in any given situation, but that doesn't eradicate other things or other responsibilities that a betrayed partner may have or the role that they may play in terms of the actual quality and health of the relationship in general. Even if the betrayed partner is, let's say, somewhat completely faultless in the situation, in every sense they are the perfect partner and I don't use any sarcasm in that, I'm just recognising that there's possible that they have not done anything or there's nothing that they could have realistically done differently to have made a difference in the situation.

Even if you are in that position, wearing that victim label, identifying as the victim of betrayal, it's a label that you're wearing. It's almost like wearing an outfit that you don't like and then going out in public and being seen in that outfit and then blaming the outfit for looking a particular way. Victimhood and wearing a label of victim is very much the same as that.

It's something that you choose and you can choose to feel hurt and betrayed and absolutely, you know, I actively encourage it, but there's a difference between choosing to feel hurt and betrayed and taking responsibility for how you feel versus wearing a victim label whereby you then become powerless. Because what power does a victim have? Literally, by definition, what power does a victim have? And if you're the only person holding on to that, then you are the only person responsible for your own discomfort going forward. Infidelity is often sensationalised in the media.

TV shows, movies and tabloid culture contribute to the expectation that affairs are dramatic, toxic and often unsalvageable. Real-life infidelity is not, or at least I don't want to say it's nothing like dramatic TV shows, but it's very rarely like dramatic TV shows. It's usually way more complicated and personal than how it's portrayed.

Me and my partner have been recently binge-watching a very popular American medical drama that was on TV, I think it started about 20 years ago, and there is an overwhelming amount of betrayal and infidelity that occurs in that programme. There was a lot of people swapping in their relationships and, to the best of my real-world knowledge, that is not a very good representation of reality. Okay, so how are we doing for time? Are you still with me? What I'll do is I think I'll speed through this last lot a bit quicker, just so that we don't end up with an overly long episode.

But I think I would like you to at least hear what the remaining items on my list are, to see which ones you recognise. And at the very least you can start to question them and challenge them yourself. If there's something that you thought was objectively true and want to reflect on it, then maybe these are some of the ones that you could consider.

So, marriage vows imply eternal loyalty. Of course marriage is a big commitment, but life happens. Infidelity doesn't necessarily mean that the commitment is over or over for good.

Cheating always involves sex. Well, it doesn't. Next, social media fuels infidelity.

Social media is a powerful tool, there's no doubt about it, but at the end of the day it's about personal choices. Social media doesn't make somebody cheat. Sorry.

Infidelity is a sign that the relationship should end. Well, I think based on everything that we've said and the 102 episodes that I have curated before this, there's more than enough evidence there to suggest that that doesn't have to be the case. Some relationships can certainly recover and even thrive after infidelity, but it depends on the people involved and there is certainly no obligation to.

The betrayed partner will never fully recover. People can and do heal from infidelity. I can literally hold my hand up as a testament to this example, and I can also hold, sort of by proxy, hold the hand up of a vast number of the people that I've worked with.

It's not easy and it can take time, but recovery is absolutely possible. Divorce is the best solution after infidelity. Divorce is always an option, of course it is, but it's not the only one.

Some couples choose to work through it and to come out even stronger. Infidelity is a personal failure, not a societal issue. Oh, interesting.

There's often more at play. Societal pressures and expectations can definitely contribute to why infidelity happens, but it's certainly not either the cause or the non-cause. I think the whole point of this episode is really to try and separate out those two things.

It can be really useful to use these broad statements just to make really generalised views about large numbers of people to get a loose idea, but the moment you zoom down to the individual level it becomes basically pointless. We are too complicated, our relationships are too nuanced, so what applies on the general scale, which you could even question whether there even is such a thing, doesn't necessarily or actually very rarely applies on an individual level. Infidelity happens because of unmet needs in the relationship.

Well, as we spoke about before, yes of course that is sometimes the case, but it's not always just the case. It can also just be because there's some problems in the relationship or some unmet needs in the individual themselves. Couples should keep infidelity private.

Hmm, I actually see this quite a lot. It's not uncommon for me to work with people who have decided that they don't want to share this information with, well I wouldn't say anybody, but certainly very, very few people. And of course privacy is important and getting support, whether that's from friends or professionals, can be really helpful in navigating recovery.

I think that to keep it completely to yourself or to feel like you're obligated to keep it to yourself, either because that's what your partner's requested or maybe it's just because of what you think society thinks you should or shouldn't do. I'm not so sure that that's probably the most healthy way of dealing with it and it may come back to to hurt you or harm you at some point in the future. I can't guarantee it of course, but I would not be surprised.

Children will always suffer greatly from infidelity. Well, kids of course can be affected, yep absolutely, but it really depends on how the parents handle it. With the right approach, the damage doesn't have to be permanent.

In fact, actually it can be a really good opportunity to show the kids and demonstrate to the children how well two people can communicate even whilst they're going through difficult, challenging times. If you think about, I've come across so many examples, more in my personal life than my professional in many ways, of relationships that have broken down and the communication between the parents has broken down completely and they basically can't be in the same room as each other without or even communicate with each other in any way without really needing a third party involved, which is of course, it's difficult and those things can affect the children of course, but I really do believe that if the parents can put aside their personal differences for the children, and I don't mean stay in the relationship for the children, I definitely don't mean that, but if they are going to go their separate ways and the relationship has broken down, then maybe the very least that would be helpful would be to demonstrate what adults are capable of doing in difficult situations and then their children can pick up from that and start to learn and see it and also to acknowledge that life isn't always, you know, safe and fluffy and perfect, you know, that it does have obstacles and you don't really know what cards are going to be dealt and if you can demonstrate a way of supporting them through that then I think it's actually a really good opportunity, although it's not necessarily one I would advocate as a way to teach your child a lesson, but given the circumstances you can make it a very good opportunity to help build the resilience in your children. Where are we? Okay, so infidelity is always selfish.

Sometimes, you're right, sometimes it is selfish and just selfish, but other times it's driven by deeper personal issues. Maybe that's trauma or even some mental health struggles that actually need further attention. We should judge and ostracise cheaters.

Well, I think this is similar to one of the ones I said earlier, it just kind of cuts off any chance for growth and repair. People do make mistakes and isolating them really doesn't lead to resolving that. Of course, again, I think we've spoken about it maybe in the Red Flags episode, I can't remember now, where, of course, if you're seeing a repeated pattern over time then, okay, maybe you want to enforce your own boundaries and choose a different path, but a one-off occasion of portrayal certainly doesn't mean that it can't be rectified and even in some cases more than one, again dependent on the circumstances, can be overcome and move forward from.

And finally, I've reached the last one on my list, infidelity is more damaging to a woman's reputation than a man's. Interesting. So, I mean, societal expectations do tend to judge women more harshly for cheating than men.

I would agree with that statement in the sense that that is the societal expectation and this can impact their reputations more severely, potentially, but I would also state that it's actually a pretty outdated double standard. Cheating is damaging for everybody, but society tends to judge women more harshly, which, if I'm honest, is actually pretty unfair and it's not right, let's put it that way, it's not right. And there you have it, that is my list of societal expectation statements, if you like, that I have come across more than once in my own practise.

So, what are your thoughts? How many of those were uncomfortable to listen to? How many of those did you believe were objectively true? How many of those do you still believe are objectively true? Were you shouting at me through your earphones as I was talking or were you starting to recognise that maybe this one-size-fits- all or these blanket statements just don't help in this kind of situation? I'd love to hear your thoughts. I am very grateful, as always, for you being here, especially with this slightly longer episode. I appreciate it if you are still listening, thank you ever so much.

As always, if there's anything that you feel you need any additional support with, if there's any one of these examples that I've given today that are impacting you, maybe that is how you see either yourself or your partner in some way, or maybe you're feeling that pressure from society or from your family or friends or work colleagues, then reach out, let's talk. You can contact me directly at luke at lifecoachluke.com, I reply to all my emails personally, likewise with any of my social media channels, Facebook or Instagram. If you want to join the path of many before you in working with me one-to-one to help you work through your situation personally, then visit my website lifecoachluke.com and book a Let's Talk Discovery Call and we can talk through your situation and see what working together might look like.

So thank you ever so much and we'll speak to you all next week.