101. Afraid to Be Seen? The Hard Truth About Validation and Betrayal

In this episode, titled "Afraid to Be Seen? The Hard Truth About Validation and Betrayal," I tackle the uncomfortable truths that many of us face in the wake of infidelity and betrayal. I dive deep into the insecurities that often lie beneath the surface, those parts of us that crave external validation, fear rejection, and struggle with identity.

I explore how early experiences shape our self-worth, how our identities become tied to how others perceive us, and what happens when those perceptions are shattered by betrayal. If you’ve ever felt like you need to look perfect, act strong, or earn love to feel worthy, this episode is for you. I’ll discuss the crossroads where change becomes possible and how to move forward to reclaim your true self-worth, independent of others’ approval.

Key Takeaways:

The Impact of Early Experiences on Self-Worth:

• How childhood and adolescent experiences shape our beliefs about ourselves.

• The connection between early trauma and the need for external validation.

The Role of Identity and External Validation:

• How societal standards and social media influence our self-image.

• The dangers of tying your worth to appearance, achievements, or others’ approval.

The Crossroads: A Moment of Reflection and Potential Change:

• Recognising when the path you’re on is no longer sustainable.

• Confronting the fears and insecurities that have driven your behaviour.

Moving Forward: The Path to a More Fulfilling Life:

• Shifting from external to internal validation.

• Embracing vulnerability and building genuine connections based on who you truly are.

💬 Reflection Question:

What would it look like for you to build a sense of self-worth that isn’t dependent on external validation?

Connect with Luke:

• Website: www.lifecoachluke.com

• Instagram: @mylifecoachluke

• Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com

Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Episode Transcript:

The After The Affair podcast with me Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Together we'll explore what's required to rebuild trust not only in yourself but also with others. Whether you stay or leave I can help and no matter what your story there will be something here for you.

Let's go. To episode 101 of the After The Affair podcast I'm your host Luke Shillings and today whether you realise it or not many people find themselves in a complicated relationship between self-worth, identity and often the search for validation. This particular episode was inspired by a conversation that I had recently with somebody whose story while unique in its specifics echoes the struggles of so many who grapple with unresolved trauma, insecurities and a deep desire to be seen and to be valued.

I want to explore the ways in which early experiences and societal influences shape our sense of self. I want to learn how we might develop coping mechanisms that can sometimes lead us down unsustainable paths and what it looks like to stand at a crossroads where change is truly possible but often deeply challenging. So let's begin by acknowledging how formative our early experiences are when it comes to our sense of self-worth.

From the moment we're born the environment we grow up in begins to shape our understanding of ourselves and the world around us. Our family dynamics, the behaviours that we witness and the experiences that we have all contribute to the foundation of our identity and self-esteem. For many people childhood and adolescent experiences particularly those involving trauma or somewhat intense emotional experiences leave lasting imprints on how we view ourselves and how we relate to other people.

These early experiences can become the lens through which we see the world. They influence our relationships, our choices and how we cope with the challenges that we face. Take for instance a person who perhaps grew up in a household where love was conditional tied to achievements, appearance or adherence to strict expectations.

This individual might internalise their belief that their worth is contingent on external factors leading them to seek validation outside of themselves. They might come to believe that in order to be loved or valued they must constantly prove themselves whether through academic success, physical appearance or material wealth. Now let's tie this into the context of infidelity and betrayal.

Imagine how these early experiences could influence someone's behaviour in a relationship. If a person believes that their worth is tied to what they can provide or how they appear they might enter a relationship with a more transactional mindset. They might believe that love and affection are things that are to be earned rather than freely given and received and this transactional approach can really set the stage for infidelity in a couple of different ways.

First the person may become overly focused on maintaining their partner's attention and approval possibly to the point of compromising their own needs and values. They might tolerate behaviours or situations that are unhealthy or even damaging all in the hope of securing their partner's validation. On the flip side they might also seek validation outside of the relationship engaging in infidelity or as a way to improve their sense of self-worth.

Someone who has always equated their value with physical appearance might be particularly vulnerable to seeking attention from others especially if they feel that their partner no longer finds them attractive. They might engage in infidelity not necessarily because they want to leave the relationship but because they crave the validation the attention that comes from being desired by somebody else and this behaviour is often less about the physical act of infidelity and simply more about the need to feel valued and seen. Additionally the experience of betrayal itself can further reinforce these deep seated beliefs.

For someone with a fragile sense of self-worth discovering that their partner has been unfaithful can be devastating not just because of the betrayal but because it seems to confirm their worst fears about themselves that they are not good enough, not attractive enough, not worthy of love. This can lead to a vicious cycle of seeking this external validation both within and outside the relationship in an attempt to soothe the wound of rejection. Furthermore the aftermath of infidelity often brings to the surface unresolved childhood traumas or insecurities that were previously suppressed.

If someone was emotionally neglected as a child they might have developed a fear of abandonment that lies dormant until triggered by their partner's betrayal. This can lead to intense feelings of unworthiness and a desperate need to reclaim their partner's attention sometimes at the cost of their own well-being. On the other side of the coin the partner who committed the betrayal might also be acting out of a place of unresolved trauma or insecurity.

If their self-worth has been tied to external achievements or validation they might seek out affairs as a way to feel desire, powerful even, or maybe just to retain some kind of control especially if they feel inadequate or unfulfilled in other areas of their life. This doesn't excuse the behaviour of course but it does begin to provide a lens through which we can understand the underlying dynamics at play. So when we talk about the impact of early experiences on self-worth we're not just discussing these abstract concepts we're talking about the very real ways in which these experiences shape our relationships, our decisions and the paths that we choose.

In the context of betrayal understanding these routes can be crucial for both partners as they navigate the complex emotions and challenges that arise in the wake of an affair. The journey to healing whether as a betrayed or the unfaithful partner often involves unpacking these early experiences and understanding how they've influenced current behaviours and beliefs. It's about recognising the patterns that have been at play acknowledging the wounds that need healing and beginning the work of rebuilding a sense of self-worth that isn't dependent on external validation or transactional relationships.

Of course this process is deeply personal and can be incredibly challenging but it's also a vital step towards creating healthier more fulfilling relationships. Relationships where both partners feel valued for who they are rather than what they can provide or how they appear and that's where the real work begins. Understanding the impacts of the past so that we can make conscious intentional choices and decisions in the present and for the future.

Now identity really does play a central role in how we navigate our relationships and our sense of self. In today's world where social media and societal standards often equate beauty, success and material wealth with worth it's easy to see how someone could become fixated on maintaining a certain image. This can lead to behaviours like excessive attention to appearance, reliance on cosmetic enhancements or obsession with physical fitness.

Not necessarily for health even but purely to meet an external standard. Let's consider how this impacts someone who has experienced betrayal or who has been unfaithful themselves. For many people their sense of identity is closely tied to how others perceive them.

This can be particularly true for those who grew up in environments where external validation whether that was through looks, achievements or social status was emphasised over internal qualities like kindness, empathy or resilience. Imagine a person who throughout their life has been praised primarily for their physical appearance. They've learned to equate their worth with how attractive they are or how much attention they can garner from others.

As they age or as they face challenges in their relationships such as infidelity they might feel an increasing pressure to maintain that standard. They might fear that their value will diminish as their appearance changes or as they perceive their partner's interest waning. This fear can drive them to invest heavily in cosmetic procedures, spend hours in the gym or carefully curate their social media presence to project an image of perfection.

But underneath all of this there's often a deep-seated fear of being seen as less than if they don't measure up to these external expectations. This fear can be exacerbated in the context of betrayal. For someone who has been unfaithful the affair might have been a way to seek validation outside of the relationship as we've spoken about already, a way to reaffirm their desirability or worth especially if they felt it was lacking at home.

On the other hand for the betrayed partner discovering the affair can shatter their sense of self leading them to question their own attractiveness, their own value and even their identity as a partner or as a spouse on the whole. This is where the role of external validation becomes particularly destructive. When your identity is heavily tied to how others see you, any threat to that perception whether it's ageing, a partner's infidelity, a loss of a job, can feel like an existential crisis.

It's not just about losing a partner or a job, it's about losing a part of yourself, the part that you believe makes you worthy of love and respect. So to expand on this further think about someone who prides themselves on their independence and control over their life. They've built an identity around being self-sufficient, strong and in command of their circumstances.

But what happens when they're faced with a situation they can't control, like their partner's infidelity? Suddenly the foundation of the identity is shaken. They might feel a profound sense of failure or shame believing that they should have been able to prevent the betrayal or that they should be able to handle it without showing vulnerability. This can lead to a couple of different outcomes.

On the one hand they might double down on their need for control, becoming more rigid, more isolated and more determined to project an image of strength even as they're crumbling inside. They might avoid talking about the betrayal, refuse to seek help or engage in behaviours that further isolate them from their partner and others. On the other hand they might experience a breakdown in their carefully constructed identity leading to feelings of worthlessness, depression or anxiety.

For the unfaithful partner their actions might have been driven by a similar need for external validation. If they've built their identity around being desirable, successful or powerful they might seek out affairs as a way to affirm that identity. The affair isn't just about the other person, it's about what the affair says about them.

It's about feeling wanted, needed and valuable in a way that perhaps their primary relationship no longer provides. However the fallout from betrayal often forces both partners to confront the fragility of these identities. The betrayed partner might realise that they've placed too much of their self-worth in their partner's hands, while the unfaithful partner might have to face the reality that their need for validation has caused significant harm.

This confrontation with their own vulnerabilities and insecurities can be incredibly painful, but it's also where the real growth can begin. Rebuilding after infidelity therefore often involves re-examining and redefining identity. It's about learning to value yourself for who you are, rather than how you look or what you can achieve or how others perceive you.

This can mean shifting your focus from external validation to internal validation, finding your worth in your own values, beliefs and actions rather than how others respond to you. Someone who has always valued themselves based on their appearance might begin to explore what it means to be valued for their kindness or their intelligence or their abilities to support others. They might start to engage in activities that build their self-worth from the inside out, rather than relying on the external sources.

This could involve developing new hobbies, engaging in self-care practises or seeking therapy to address some of these underlying insecurities. Similarly, someone who has placed our identity in being independent and in control might begin to explore the value of vulnerability and connection. They might learn that it's okay to ask for help, to show weakness and to depend on others without losing their sense of self.

This can be a profound shift and one that opens the door to deeper more authentic relationships. In the context of infidelity, this shift from external to internal validation can be transformative. It can help both partners move beyond the pain and betrayal and to a place where they can rebuild their relationship or, if necessary, build a new life that is more aligned with their true values and desires, be that in the primary relationship or in future relationships.

It's about moving from a place of fear and insecurity to a place of strength and self-acceptance, where your worth isn't determined by what others think of you but instead by how you see yourself. At some point many of us reach what I like to call a crossroads, a moment of clarity where we recognise that the path that we've been on is no longer sustainable and something needs to change. This crossroads might be triggered by a significant life event, like a confrontation with a loved one, a discovery of infidelity, a job loss, an illness or even a personal epiphany that our current way of living is not bringing us the fulfilment or happiness that we seek.

For someone who has built their identity around the external validation that we've spoken about, whether through appearance, achievements or approval from others, this crossroads can feel especially daunting. It's a moment when you're forced to confront the reality that the strategies that you've relied on for so long, strategies that might have worked for a time, are no longer serving you and instead of bringing you the validation or love that you crave, they're leading to feelings of emptiness, dissatisfaction and quite often self-destruction. Let's consider a scenario where someone is confronted by a close friend or partner who points out the emotional detachment and self-centredness that has become a defence mechanism.

The initial reaction might be one of defensiveness, denial or even anger and this is a natural response. After all, it's incredibly difficult to look in the mirror and see the parts of yourself that you don't like, parts that might be hurting others or leading you down a destructive path. This is extremely painful when somebody else sees it, even if you were maybe deeply aware of it yourself.

But over time, if you allow yourself to sit with this discomfort, the confrontation can serve as a catalyst for deeper self-reflection. You might begin to recognise that the behaviours that once felt protective, like avoiding vulnerability, seeking constant validation or maintaining rigid control over your life, are now the very things that are preventing you from forming meaningful connections and truly enjoying your life. This crossroads is a crucial moment because it presents a choice.

You can continue down the path you've been on, which might feel safer and more familiar, but it's ultimately unsustainable. Or you can choose to take a different path, one that involves letting go of your old defence mechanisms, confronting painful truths and opening yourself up to the possibility of change. For someone whose identity has been built around control, appearance and transactional relationships, the idea of letting go of these defences can be terrifying.

It might feel like stepping into the unknown, where vulnerability could lead to rejection or pain. But it's also where true growth and healing can happen. Change isn't easy and it often requires facing the very fears and insecurities that you've been trying to avoid.

But it's in this process of facing and understanding these fears that you can begin to build a more authentic and fulfilling life. So what does it look like to move forward from this crossroads? For many, the journey begins with small, deliberate steps. Reaching out for support, practising self-compassion or exploring new ways that don't rely on external validation.

Moving forward, individuals might involve shifting the focus from how they look to how they feel, both physically and emotionally. They might begin to engage in activities that bring them joy and fulfilment, rather than those that simply make them look good. This could mean prioritising health over aesthetics, developing hobbies that nurture the mind and soul, or building relationships that are based on mutual respect and emotional connection rather than superficial attraction.

Someone who has built their identity around being independent and in control might begin to explore the value of vulnerability and connection. They might learn that it's okay to ask for help, to show weakness and to depend on others without losing their sense of self. This can be a profound shift, one that opens the door to deeper, more authentic relationships.

It's about recognising the true strength that lies not in shutting others out, but in allowing yourself to be seen, even in your most vulnerable moments. This journey can be particularly transformative for those who have experienced infidelity. For the betrayed partner, moving forward might involve reclaiming their sense of self-worth from the wreckage of the betrayal.

It's about understanding that the affair is not a reflection of their value, but rather a symptom of the issues within the relationship or the unfaithful partner's own insecurities. This realisation can be incredibly empowering as it shifts the narrative from one of victimhood to one of agency and strength. For the unfaithful partner, moving forward might involve taking responsibility for their actions and the harm that they've caused, while also exploring the deeper insecurities or unmet needs that led them to seek validation outside of the relationship.

This process requires a willingness to face uncomfortable truths about themselves, to make amends, and to work towards rebuilding trust if the relationship is to continue. But whether the relationship survives or not, both partners have the opportunity to emerge from this experience with a stronger sense of self and a clearer understanding of what they need and deserve in their relationships moving forward. It's about recognising that your worth isn't determined by what others think of you, but it's much more about how you see yourself.

So as you stand at your own crossroads, ask yourself, what would it look like to build a life where your self-worth isn't dependent on external validation? What would it mean to you to create relationships based on genuine emotional connection, rather than what you gain or how you can be perceived? These are not easy questions, but they are the kinds of questions that can lead to profound personal growth. And remember, you don't have to navigate this journey alone. Whether it's through professional help, support groups, or close friendships, there are people who can help you explore these aspects of yourself in a safe and supportive way.

Moving forward from a crossroads isn't about making a single life-changing decision. It's about the small consistent choices that you make every single day to align your life with your true values and your true desires. It's about letting go of the need for this constant validation.

It's embracing the vulnerability and allowing yourself to grow into the person you are always meant to be. It's a deeply personal journey to confront the parts of ourselves that have been shaped by trauma, societal expectations, and a desire for validation. But it's also an incredibly rewarding one, as it can lead to a more authentic and fulfilling life.

Before we close, I'd like to leave you with a question to reflect on. What would it look like for you to build a sense of self-worth that isn't dependent on external validation? As always, take some time to think about this and if you have found this discussion helpful, then please share it with others who might benefit. This has been the After The Affair with Luke Shillings.

For more resources and support, visit my website at lifecoachluke.com and of course follow the podcast. If you've enjoyed this episode, or any of the other episodes for that matter, please like, share, comment, review, anything you can to help get it in front of more people. It is genuinely appreciated, not just by me, but by those who have come to discover the podcast further down its journey.

Remember, your worth is not something you need to prove, it's something you already possess. So stay strong, and I'll talk to you all next week.