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He Reached Out, But It Was Never Really About Us: Understanding Mixed Signals After a Breakup

After a breakup, one of the most confusing experiences is when your ex starts showing signs they still care. They text, they ask how you’re doing, they bring up old memories, and suddenly you’re asking, “Do they still want me?” But here’s the twist: missing you and choosing you aren’t the same thing.


Let’s unpack what’s really going on behind those mixed signals after a breakup.


mixed feelings after a breakup texting messages

Missing You is About the Past


When your ex misses you, it usually means they miss the comfort, the laughs, the way things used to be. It's a natural response. You shared a life, routines, and maybe even a few Spotify playlists. Of course there's going to be a tug at their heartstrings.


But missing you doesn’t mean they’re ready to show up differently this time. It’s about emotional nostalgia, not necessarily emotional growth. That’s why your inbox might fill up with “thinking of you” messages at midnight. They’re feeling a void, and your memory fills it.


Still, this is often where you start wondering: "Why is my ex giving me mixed signals?" Because what they feel and what they’re prepared to do about those feelings are two very different things.


Choosing You is About the Present


Choosing you means more than just missing what once was. It means actively stepping back in, not just emotionally, but practically. They don’t just say “I miss you,” they show up consistently. They take responsibility for past mistakes and demonstrate change, not just promises.


Choosing you involves clarity, not confusion. They’re not breadcrumbing you with vague texts or “accidental” run-ins. They communicate their intentions, make space for your needs, and invest in rebuilding trust.


The truth? If someone’s sending mixed signals after a breakup, they’re not fully choosing you. Real love is not a maybe. It’s a yes, with action to back it up.


Your Heart Deserves More Than Maybes & Mixed Signals after a Breakup


If you’re stuck in that limbo of texts, signals, and hope, it’s time to come home to yourself. Mixed signals are exhausting because they keep you emotionally tied to someone who hasn’t made a clear decision.


You deserve a relationship where you're not constantly asking, “What does this mean?” or “Where do I stand?” Your peace matters more than their uncertainty.


When your ex misses you, it’s okay to feel flattered. You’re human. But don’t let a moment of their sadness steal your forward momentum. You’re not a backup plan or a placeholder until they figure things out.


The next time you're tempted to reply to that “I’ve been thinking about you” text, ask yourself: Are they choosing me, or just missing me?


Because missing is about memories. Choosing is about action. And you, my friend, deserve someone who chooses you, without hesitation, without confusion, and with their whole heart.


How to Decode Contact Without Overanalysing

Look at Patterns

How It Makes You Feel

Pause

Are they consistently reaching out, or do they vanish after saying “I miss you”?

Start decoding your reaction to their texts.


Just because your ex reaches out doesn’t mean you owe them a reply.

If the communication feels random, emotionally charged, or one-sided, that’s noise.

If their contact leaves you doubting your worth, it’s not serving your healing.

You don’t have to entertain contact that doesn’t serve you.

Real intent shows in repetition, not one-off moments.

Your feelings are clues.

Pausing gives you power.

When your ex reaches out, it’s easy to go full detective mode, rereading texts, analysing tone, even questioning emoji choices. Sound familiar? Don’t worry, you’re not alone. But let’s be honest: that kind of overthinking only wears you out.


Instead of spinning in circles, let’s simplify the process. Here's how to decode contact without losing your head or your heart.


Look at Patterns, Not Just Messages


One message doesn’t tell the whole story. What matters is the pattern. Are they consistently reaching out, or do they vanish after saying “I miss you”? Real intent shows in repetition, not one-off moments.


If the communication feels random, emotionally charged, or one-sided, that’s not a signal of lasting change. That’s noise. And noise can sound like hope when you're hurting. This is where many people start asking, “What to do when your ex gives mixed signals?”


The answer? Watch for patterns, not promises.


Check In With How It Makes You Feel


Instead of decoding their text, start decoding your reaction to it. Do you feel calm, seen, and respected, or anxious, confused, and stuck?


If their contact leaves you doubting your worth or spinning with “what ifs,” that’s a sign it’s not serving your healing. Mixed signals after a breakup aren’t always malicious, but they’re rarely helpful when you’re trying to move on.


Your feelings are clues. If talking to them drains you more than it lifts you, it might be time to step back.


Give Yourself Permission to Pause


Just because your ex reaches out doesn’t mean you owe them a reply. Give yourself space to respond rather than react. You don’t have to decode everything instantly or entertain contact that doesn’t serve you.


Pausing gives you power. It allows you to check in with your values, your goals, and your healing journey. Not everything needs an answer, especially if that answer pulls you back into confusion.


When you wonder what to do, sometimes the best move is no move. Let clarity grow in the quiet.


Reclaiming Emotional Clarity and Power


Let’s be honest. Mixed signals after a breakup can leave your head spinning and your heart second-guessing every little thing. One day they’re hot, the next they’re cold, and you’re stuck in the middle trying to make sense of it all.


But here’s the good news: you don’t have to stay stuck. Clarity and power are things you can rebuild, one calm decision at a time.



Build a Future You Trust - Starting With You!


In the complimentary  Discovery Call, we'll spend 30 minutes in a no-pressure conversation, unlocking valuable insights.



Stop Looking for Answers in Their Words


If you're constantly reading between the lines, hoping their next message will finally make sense, you’re not alone. We’ve all been there. But truthfully, clarity doesn’t come from them. It comes from you.


Mixed messages after a breakup can keep you hooked, especially if you’re still holding on to the version of them from happier times. But growth starts when you stop chasing explanations and start trusting your own experience.


When their actions confuse you more than comfort you, it’s a signal. And it’s okay to let that be enough.


Shift the Focus Back to You


Instead of wondering what they want, ask yourself: What do I want? That question changes everything.


Mixed signals after a breakup often pull your attention outward, making you focus on their needs, their behaviour, and their confusion. But your power lives inward. It shows up when you say, “I choose peace over chaos.”


Get back in touch with the things that make you feel strong: your routines, your hobbies, your people. Emotional clarity returns when your life isn’t waiting for their next move.


Set Boundaries That Protect Your Energy


When someone keeps reaching out without real intention, it’s okay to protect your space. That’s not rude, it’s self-respect.


Mixed signals aren’t a sign to keep hanging on. They’re often a cue to set clear boundaries that help you breathe again. Whether it’s muting notifications, asking for space, or saying, “This isn’t helping me move forward,” you’re allowed to take care of yourself.


Boundaries aren’t walls, they’re filters. They let in what’s healthy and keep out what’s harmful. And when your energy isn’t tangled in confusion, your power returns.


Stop Looking for Answers in Their Words


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Shift the Focus Back to You



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Set Boundaries That Protect Your Energy


Final Thought


You don’t have to figure them out. You just need to get clear with yourself. Because your peace, your confidence, and your power aren’t tied to someone else’s uncertainty. They’re yours to reclaim, one decision, one boundary, one breath at a time.


FAQs


1. Is it normal to have mixed feelings after a breakup?

Absolutely! It’s completely normal to have mixed feelings after a breakup. You’re grieving what was, questioning what’s next, and holding bits of hope and hurt all at once. Emotions don’t follow a neat timeline, and feeling conflicted doesn’t mean you’re broken. It just means you’re human, healing, and slowly figuring things out. Be gentle with yourself.

2. What to do when your ex gives you mixed signals?

3. How to know if a breakup was right?

4. Why is he suddenly giving me mixed signals?


 
 
 

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I am Luke Shillings, a Relationship and Infidelity Coach dedicated to guiding individuals through the complexities of infidelity. As a certified coach, I specialise in offering compassionate support and effective strategies for recovery.

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Luke Shillings Life Coaching

Waddington, Lincoln, UK

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